R. Kelly's top 5 most ridiculous lyrics

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If somehow you're not familiar with R&B superstar R. Kelly, here's the basic rundown: 1) He has one of the most beautiful tenors in all of pop music, and 2) He's a sex addict. Probably. At the very least, Kelly has an unabashed fascination with erotic encounters of the freakiest variety, and he uses his stunning voice to relay every filthy detail to us.  The problem with this is that, after being in the business for 20 years, he's running out of different kinds of sex to have and different ways to tell us how awesome he was at it.  But, hey, we all win in any case, because this has resulted in a collection of song lyrics that have gotten increasingly ridiculous, disturbing, and awesome. 

To commemorate Kels stopping by Epic on May 8th for Mother's Day (of course), it's high time to take a close look at five of his best lyrical moments.

5. From Lloyd ft. R. Kelly & Young Jeezy - "Lay It Down" (Remix)

When you lay your hand on my pillow
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I know girl this is gonna get scary like Thriller
You gonna feel this monster get bigger
And I ain't got no rhyme for the next part
And I ain't got no rhyme for the next part
But that's OK because this is the remix

When I was a kid, Thriller scared the shit out of me.  I'll admit it.  When Michael Jackson turns into that werewolf-thing, the part of my brain that processes fear blew a fuse. Totally horrifying.  If sex with R. Kelly is truly like Thriller and comes with the possibility of an undead zombie erection (or choreographed dance), it surpasses merely "freaky" and goes straight to "nightmare-inducing." On top of that, Kels can't even be bothered to finish the verse.  And you know that he doesn't care, mostly because he comes right out and tells you so.  He goes from sexually frightening to I-don't-give-a-damn in just one line, which has to be some kind of world record.


4.  From Fat Joe ft. R. Kelly, Lil Wayne, TI, Baby, Rick Ross and Ace Mack - "Make It Rain" (Remix)

I be drillin' these chicks like Major Payne
When I make it rain, they be like "Kels, do it again"
...
Y'see I order one bottle then I fuck with one model
Then I order more bottles so I got more models

Robert Kelly is so versed in the art of having sex that he can do it in the style of a really terrible mid-90's Damon Wayans vehicle, which is incredible, because I'm not even sure how that works. Maybe he wears one of those drill instructor hats.  Later on in the track, Kels displays a scientific acumen that borders on Nobel-winning when he cracks the relationship between the number of bottles you have and the number of models hounding you for sweet liquor and thrown money in the VIP section, which is now considered a universal physical law. Sir Isaac Newton was never this much of a pimp.

In the middle of darkness
Girl relax and just flow
I'm about to tickle it and touch your soul
Once I enter your black hole

This just proves that Kels' scientific interests aren't just limited to human behavior--he's an astronomer, too.  He's truly a man of many talents.  You've probably underestimated him, thinking that he'd go for the lowest common denominator when it comes to euphemisms and space talk, but you'd be...

Girl I promise this will be painless
We'll take a trip to planet Uranus

Oh holy shit. Nevermind.


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2 comments
jim webb
jim webb

 People don't write good lyrics because they don't have †o. People buy it anyway. The dumb have inherited the earth.

jim webb
jim webb

 People don't write good lyrics because they don't have to. People buy it regardless. The dumb have inherited the earth

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