"The moments the shoes illustrate capture classic, cheeky Beastie behavior: MCA atop the Palladium marquee on one foot; Ad-Rock and Mike D on a bacchanalic spree in another," according to Rolling Stone, which strikes Gimme Noise as roughly as exciting as being stuck on an island with To The 5 Boroughs and no other albums.
Ten percent of sales will go towards socialist film outfit Prop 8 Films; good cause, bros, but ten percent? Isn't that kind of piddly?
Here are nine things you can do while wearing overpriced, old-school genuflecting canvas kicks that will cause ghastly, intense pain to the arches of your feet if you wear them too often and for too long:
9. Re-create the "Days Go By" video, in your rec room, for your grandparents. Because you care. (Alternately: "Breakin'.")
8. Take part, with blithe irony, in the ongoing "Occupy Wall Street [YOUR MUNICIPALITY HERE]" protests, deflecting the suspicions of zeitgeist-attuned hipsters by insisting that your Beastie kicks are nothing more than "sweatshop knockoffs" while vehemently denying that you're "the part of the 1 percent that stands with the 99 percent."
7. Fight for your right to party in a crowded midtown Jamba Juice at lunchtime while wearing nothing more than Beastie Boys-themed Chuck Taylors and black socks.
6. Flip through old issues of long-defunct Grand Royal magazine stashed in Mom's attic.
5. Moonwalk all the way to work. No, well, not right away; some decisions have to be made. Agonize a bit over whether to accessorize with a vintage Adidas tracksuit or the modern equivalent. Dookie gold chain, or a more conservative herringbone? Do The Right Thing boombox or iPod-connected megaphone? Crump or Galapagos parkour, boyeee? Five-Hour Energy or Jolt? Snap-back or trucker's cap? Life is hard.
4. Attend as many legally and illegally-staged punk shows as you can, because that's something that people who wear Chucks tend to do.
3. Kung fu moves that have nothing to do with real kung fu, but only within the context-within-a-context clusterfuck that is the "Sabotage" video.
2. Have your Beastie Boys, No Age, Animal Collective, and Jay-Z themed shoes sort of hang out together in your foyer and pantomime super-awkward some awkward cocktail party chit-chat. If you really want to go crazy, pipe in some Taylor Swift to up the surreality quotient further; then when the joke's gone on about a moment or two longer than it realistically should, roll your Wolf Eyes skateboard through the shoe cluster while screaming like a banshee.
1. Nothing. Lounge. Why would you want to do anything while wearing these fucking shoes? Owning these shoes is kind of like owning a Studebaker; you drive it around the block on Sundays, and that's about it. But that gets me to thinking, and this is probably a valid question, so bear with me: is there a seriously a black market for barely worn limited-edition shoes featuring long-in-the-tooth golden age rappers?