Kanye West has never been one to let a big, zeitgeist-y moment pass without seizing and babbling narcisistically through it. So it comes as something of a shock that at the Occupy Wall Street protests the other day, he let hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons do all of his talking for him, which in rap terms is sort of like President Obama showing up there and letting Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton serve as his mouthpiece.
Have you seen the video of this quasi-historic moment? You should; it's kind of awkward, like if Kanye was 10 and got sent home from school for fighting and then came back with his dad, and his dad apologized to the teacher and the principal and the other kid for him or something. Weird.
Anyway, here are 7 things Kanye could have said out there:
7. "Man, a lot of people sure turned out for my appearance on this particular street at this particular time with little to no notice; Twitter's amazing."
6. "Does anybody have an MPC, a working microphone, and a phalanx of lithe dancers wearing nothing but glitter we can borrow?"
5."Those guys in the drum circle totally bit my percussion production from the 'Diamons Are Forever' remix."
4. "Wait, this isn't a VIP lounge."
3. "Bandannas are back in a big way."
2. "I notice a lot of references to Guy Dubord on the placards people are waving, which is odd; he's a good man, favors Givency, handles my fashion affairs over in Paris."
1. "Honestly, for real? Russell and I had been up late the other night, partying with plutocrats and heiresses and new-money scions, and so but we were hungry and looking for some gourmet waffles, and then somehow we wound up here. And some dudes in bandanna were all 'Hey, it's Kanye and Russell,' and we were all 'Where can we get some waffles,' and they were all this is 'Occupy Wall Street, Yeezy, don't you read the papers?' Media's for suckers, never have, never will. And then some fool shoved a camera in our faces and I let Russell do the talking because, like, nobody at Occupy Wall Street needed to hear me freestyling about how I'd shoot and filet and serve up everybody protesting at that moment to Wall Street sharks like pigs on a spit in exchange for a heaping platter of gourmet waffles."