Local indie superhero Mark Mallman tweeted on Monday that his song "Light the Dynamite and Run" (from 2009's Invincible Criminal) would be featured on Thursday night's season finale of Jersey Shore. The song's ultra-intense title (perfect for a patented Jersey Shore slow-motion drama staredown) and anthemic chorus made sense for a season finale that was likely to be filled with meatball cookas, unprotected drunken sex, fighting and... fighting.
It would have made even more sense as an epilogue to the two-episode story arc of The Situation's situation--he had been threatening to leave the cast and was refusing to return to Jersey with them. Unfortunately, the spectacular climax never came. Mallman's song entered the fray about halfway through the episode, on the tail end of a commercial break, as the cast stood around while Vinnie tried on a bra on top of his t-shirt (seriously). Five seconds later, it was over; the energy wasted on a glorified outtake during the most boring Jersey Shore episode of all time.
Oh well, Mallman can rest easy knowing that just over a year ago he was finishing his 78th hour of "Marathon 3" at the Turf Club, which is probably a much bigger accomplishment than being the soundtrack to Snooki throwing wine bottles at The Situation while Deena asks Pauly to "do sex."