Nicki Minaj will paint your fingernails to chaos

By Ray Cummings Tue., Oct. 25 2011 at 8:34 AM

Categories: An Affront to Post-TMZ Cultural Nihilism

When you think of rapper/singer/walking-psychologist's-desk-reference Nicki Minaj, the notion of getting your nails did probably doesn't spring to mind. Now you don't have much choice, because in January the Cash Money/Young Money queen is partnering with OPI to release six nail polishes named after songs from Pink Friday, her well-received debut album.

As part of Gimme Noise's ongoing salute to post-pop marketing and general embrace of the "360 deal" concept, we've drawn up a list of things that wearing Pink Friday nail polish may inspire you to do.

1. People may look at you differently, as if you've just escaped from a mental asylum and are in fact wearing the straitjacket you wore as an inmate, but the more astute and fashion-conscious among them will note that it's a vintage Giorgio Armani straitjacket.

2. You may find yourself unconsciously adopting a rabid, ersatz Cockney accent.

3. You may experience a sudden drop in sexual arousal, except for when you're applying silvery pixie-dust foundation, watching yourself in one of several dozen fun house mirrors you've installed in your penthouse because you're certifiably crackers.

4. Even worse, you could find yourself convinced that you're a man trapped in a woman's body, or even Kool Keith trapped in Nicki Minaj's body, which is all kinds of fucked up.

5. Suddenly, totally out of the blue, you just know where Lil Wayne's super-duper top secret, warehouse-sized emergency cache of Willy Wonka candy is, and you know that one of the guards is named Smithers.

6. Making funny bug-eyed faces at random moments becomes just the phattest thing ever.

7. Just like that, your life is like Once Upon A Time, only it's a Once Upon A Time set on a psycho-sexual post-Xanadu Mars where pastels are thought to possess mystical properties and Lady Gaga plays the wicked witch.

8. All of a sudden you're bosom buddies with Britney Spears, sharing barrettes, roach clips, and thongs.

9. You may become unhealthily obsessed with Alice in Wonderland in general, interpretations of the Queen of Hearts' costumes in particular.

10. You may, against your better judgment, begin to fantasize about pouring molasses all over Drake, licking it off, having someone snap some Polaroids of you licking it off, and mailing those Polaroids to Lil Kim, postage due.