Top 10 worst Minnesota songs

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For all of the impressive songsmiths penning grand lyrics and melodies inspired by our fair Minnesota, there are nearly as many embarrassing clunkers doing our state no justice whatsoever. Maybe Michelle Bachmann likes 'em, but we sure don't. Here are the ten most atrocious songs ever concocted about Minnesota. --Reed Fischer




10. "Wasting Time" - Kid Rock

This rap-country nightmare unfolding to the tune of (no joke) Guns 'N Roses' "Paradise City" is more disturbing than a Dario Argento film. The lyrics here -- like most of his songs, really -- paint Kid Rock to be a drunken, drug-addled pimp who's leading a life of supposed leisure, sleeping in dumpsters and getting high with kings, or something like that. At one point, Mr. Rock proclaims "But I got more time than Morris Day" -- a ham-fisted reference to one of the hardest-working men to ever grace a stage. Everyone has the same 24 hours to work with, dude. A better use of Rock's extra time on his hands would've been to improve this song far beyond the gargantuan suckfest that it is. --Pat O'Brien



9. "It Can't Happen Here" - The Mothers of Invention

Otherwise known as, "The Muppets Do Free Jazz," this song from Frank Zappa's debut album sounds just a little more than dated, now 45 years removed from its release. Of course, the reference to our fair state -- "Who could imagine that they would freak out in Minnesota?" -- clearly singles us out for the perceived mundanity of the Midwest. This is perhaps understandable given all of our deeply suppressed murderous tendencies. (Then again, the Manson murders happened just a few years after "It Can't Happen Here" was released, so there's that too.) But what's worst about this song is that its artiness comes off like a '50s B-movie, an ample reminder of who Zappa's core constituency has always been, "Joe's Garage" and all: jam band fans who know they really ought to like Captain Beefheart, but can't commit. --Jeff Gage



8. "The Fans" - Alabama

When bands start to wane, many of them enter an incessant pandering phase and essentially rewrite the same song ad nauseum in an attempt to keep the life support from getting unplugged. For the most part, Alabama can be commended for not doing that. Until "The Fans." The comical disconnect between the lyrics about places they've visited over the years and the crawling tempo, ideal for making out with your better half, is jarring at best, creepily unsettling at worst. "Played the fair in Minnesota, I wish we could have played one more, " sings Randy Owen. Odd, since it seems like they play the Grandstand every year. With material this bad, we're not sure anyone cares if they just roll on through our state without so much as tapping the brakes. --Pat O'Brien



7. "Outta Town Shit" - Ghostface Killah

Ghostface Killah is one of the greatest storytellers in hip-hop history. From the tear-jerker childhood poverty recollections of "All That I Got Is You" to the post-traumatic shellshock of "Walk Around." So it's not his fault that More Fish standout "Outta Town Shit" takes a turn for the goofy at the end. In fact, his verse about a run of dice-game good luck interrupted by guns-drawn mayhem is another example of his "did you just see that" intensity pulling you collar-first into the story with him. But then the tacked-on fake newscast at the end shoves you right back out: Ghost placed that verse in the general confines of Minnesota, but the anchor helpfully clarifies exactly where the confrontation happened: downtown Minnesota. Oh yeah, that neighborhood -- one of the toughest in the entire state of Minneapolis. --Nate Patrin

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