The ten most depressing country Christmas songs

3. Homer & Jethro with June Carter - "Baby It's Cold Outside"

This song is creepy as all hell, even when Homer & Jethro and June Carter sing it. Especially when Homer & Jethro and June Carter sing it. NO MEANS NO. Dagnabbit. Notable lyric: The neighbors might think - But baby, it's bad out there. Say, what's in this here drink? - That ain't sarsparilly there. I wish I knew how - Your eyeballs are poppin' out now. To break this spell - I'll hold your hair, your hat looks swell. I ought to say no, no, no - Mind if we move in closer? Least I'm puttin' up a good fight - My this black eye sure is a sight. But I really can't stay - Oh baby don't hold out.

2. Stompin' Tom Connors - "The Snowmobile Song"

Fuckin' Canadians. Notable lyric: We tip the glass to the northern lass for she won't let ya kneel. She'd rather squeal...on a snowmobile.

1. Dolly Parton - "Hard Candy Christmas"

Bet your mom played this song for you when you were a kid. Bet you thought it was real sweet. Bet you didn't know it was written for a musical about a whorehouse. Notable lyric: Maybe I'll sleep real late. Maybe I'll lose some weight. Maybe I'll clear my junk. Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine. Me, I'll be just fine and dandy. Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas. I'm barely getting through tomorrow, but still I won't let sorrow bring me way down. 

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Tonight is the last night of the 2012 Trashy Little Xmas Show, down at Lee's Liquor Lounge.  We do three sets of Christmas music that rocks, swings and swaggers, including many of the tunes listed here.  This is my invitation to everyone, and especially you, Nikki Miller-Rose, on a silver platter, to come down to Lee's and see Trailer Trash for yourself!  I double dog dare you to let us make a fan out of you!


Stompin' Tom actually made a X-mas album with actual X-mas songs like "Down on Christmas", the somewhat depressing "Orphan's Story" about Santa's visit to the orphanage, and a vocally challenged version of "Gloria (In Excelsis Deo)".

When I think depressing Christmas songs, some tunes come to mind such as "Old Toy Trains" by Roger Miller, "Shut In At Christmas" by Bruce Robison, "Blue Blue Christmas (For This Truck Drivin' Man)" by Red Simpson, "If We Make It Through December" by Merle Haggard, "Lonely Christmas Call" by George Jones, Ferlin Husky's "Christmas Don't Feel Like Christmas", and of course the ever "spirited"
"Merry Christmas From A Bar" by Mike Ireland.

Keep it real.

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