Ten Stories About Prince that are better than fan fiction

Categories: The Purple One
Shining-Prince.jpg
Another fictional representation of Prince from the January 21, 1981 issue of our old paper, Sweet Potato.
"Oh, you live in Minnesota? You must know Prince." This post is for anyone who has fielded an asinine inquiry like that one at some point. Minneapolis resident Charlie Pauken had heard enough ludicrous questions about his relationship with the Purple One from friends back in his old home of Bowling Green, Ohio. So he decided to do something drastic about it.

Last August he launched Stories About Prince, a 23-chapter-and-counting blog featuring hilarious hand-written accounts of very fictional interactions with the pop impresario. There's a lot of fan fiction on the web. Heck, OneDirectionFanFiction.com has logged over 300 million(!) words of made-up stories about the British boy band. But these stories aren't steamy tour bus fantasies with Carmen Electra. (Read our interview with him here.)

Much like witnessing Glenn Danzig with cat litter, these stories (again, obviously untrue) portray Prince as a normal hip Twin Cities resident who washes the New Power Generation's clothes at the laundromat and eats too much KFC when he's depressed. He still runs into his "arch nemesis" Morris Day in this universe, but it's at Lu's Sandwich in Whittier. Here are our ten favorite Stories About Prince.


10. Prince Goes to the Laundromat

Excerpt:

Prince_Laundromat.jpg

Summary: Picturing the notoriously diminutive Purple Yoda hauling around some big bags of laundry is a great image to start with. The fact that he's helping out both the Revolution and the New Power Generation shows he generous, but in a real-life way. Plus he owns cats. Here is also an instance of a running gag about Prince handing Charlie a dollar and sending him to buy a cheap snack for him -- in this case, a Frosty from Wendy's.

9. Prince Goes to the Butcher Shop

Excerpt:
Prince_Butcher_Shop.jpg

Summary: Kramarczuk's Sausage Company provides the setting, but it's really just a jumping off point for an extended joke about the utilitarian origins of the song "1999." Imagine Prince working in an episode of Party Down, if you wish. Also, the last line has a disorienting Raymond Carver feel to it.

8. Prince Hosts a Taco Bar

Excerpt:
Prince_Taco_Bar.jpg

Summary: In another episode, we discover that Prince has a balcony garden at his brownstone in Stevens Square, but here he's playing host to a last-minute taco party. Instead of a mansion overflowing with guests, however, this is "clearly not a 1999-esque affair." At least Wendy & Lisa showed up. We all know how it is on a school night, after all.

7. Prince Gets Prince's Mail

Excerpt:
Prince_Mail.jpg

Summary: This scenario goes even more meta because it's likely that people like Prince Fielder have to suffer through dumb "Diamonds and Pearls" references as much as anyone. Here, we get a dig at the USPS for mixing up which Prince mail should go to which recipient. Plus, an invite to the Royal Wedding!

6. Prince Buys Tortillas

Excerpt:
Prince_Tortillas.jpg

Summary: In a way, these stories echo the way everyone talks about someone they know that you don't. Immediately the mundane details of said unknown person become fascinating -- to the person telling the story, anyhow. A tortilla run -- not for a taco party, mind you -- turns into a discussion about quitting smoking. No spoilers.

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5 comments
Joe Sherry
Joe Sherry

Folks were waiting in line at 4:30 when we drove by just to see if hitting the show would be plausible.

Ross Levine
Ross Levine

Well that part where you're directed to overflow parking you mentioned? It jsnt happening, parking is a mystery so far...

Chandra Fossen
Chandra Fossen

Haha. My boyfriends dad was the drummer. Ive heard some funny stories.

swmnguy
swmnguy topcommenter

Those stories are fantastic.  They're actually good little stories, but the fact that they're about a fictionalized version of ...Prince...is just the greatest.  

I've worked for Prince; a long time ago.  I spoke with him once or twice.  The weirdest thing that happened was when we were on break at Paisley Park, just lazily shooting baskets in the loading area.  Prince walked by, wearing a purple velvet outfit with the pirate puffy shirt and high-heeled boots.  He wanted to take a few shots, so of course we fed him the ball.  He hit a couple from 12 - 15 feet.  Then he wanted to drive and take a layup, and he wanted somebody to at least pretend to guard him.  I did, and it occurred to me that he might fire me if I blocked his shot, and since he's only like 5'-3" and I'm 6'-0", I'd better watch it.  Then I thought about fouling him--hard--just to show him it's My Lane and if he wants to drive it, he better bring his "A" Game 'cause I'm not fooling around in the lane and I don't care if he's Prince, he better get that weak-ass shit out of the lane.  But I decided against that.  I was broke and in my early 20's.  I've heard every man has his price, and I guess mine at that time was about $625 for a week's worth of running a follow-spot for Prince's tour rehearsals.   

Anyway, I got one of those, "Oh, you're from Minneapolis.  Do you know Prince?" questions from a big black TSA guy at the airport in Charlotte or some damned place, and I told him that story.  The guy just stared at me.  Then he gave me back my boarding pass and ID and said with a dirty smile, "I would have fouled his ass.  I can get a better job.  But when you gonna get another chance to smack Prince?"  I told him, "Well, you have to remember I was really poor at the time and had to make rent."  We laughed and laughed.

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