Six ways to ruin everyone's lives with karaoke

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Image by Tatiana Craine

It's the holidays! Time for you and your dopey friends from high school to reunite and tear up the town. What'll it be this evening? Getting trashed and picking a fight with the bully who became the bouncer at whatever bar that Denny's restaurant turned into?

Or maybe you could do something really wild, like go out and sing some karaoke! Sure, none of you ever have any intention to sing with any sort of rhythm, feeling, nuance, or tone accuracy. Microphone placement? WTF is that? It'll be a blast! For only you guys!


While you're out, make sure you ruin everyone else's chances of enjoying ourselves by obeying these six rules for screwing up karaoke for the rest of us.

6. Sing "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond

Why would you put this song on? Is karaoke some sort of formulaic game to you? Do you also yell out "Free Bird" at concerts and start clapping when someone drops their tray in the cafeteria at work? Or are you just a big fan of the Boston Red Sox? Or the movie Beautiful Girls with Matt Dillon? Please, just sit down. Forever.

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Justin Seabrook-Rocha, Flickr

5. Have Four of You Sing at Once (and all suck)

It's the same every time you do it. There's the shy one who got dragged up there with no intention of ever actually singing. There's a woman dancing so hard she can't even hold the microphone in front of her face. And the superstar with the constipated face, focusing too hard on actually singing something no one cares about. But who could forget the real crowd-pleaser -- the awkward wallflower who doesn't know the song but makes noises and adds commentary. Brilliant.

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8 comments
Matthew Martin
Matthew Martin

At any karaoke bar during a night. You'll hear at least: one Journey song, one by Bon Jovi (Living on a Prayer, Dead or Alive), Creep by Radiohead or Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. And the ladies favorite, Girls just wanna have fun. Count on it.

Megan Vaughan
Megan Vaughan

Journey is awesome. Period. #4 Robin Youngman .

Rug Peterskid
Rug Peterskid

Id like to see a story called 5000 ways to ruin someone's life with karate

Alex Anderson
Alex Anderson

I can't believe people like to admit to actually liking Journey. So Karaoke Journey is even worse.

CRZ.
CRZ.

I dunno...I liked this a lot better when I read it last week on the Dallas Observer's DC9 at Night blog.  (Or was it the Village Voice blog?)

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