Six terrible songs with enticing intros

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Some people just know how to hook you, right? Say you're browsing an online dating profile and someone catches your eye. Witty one-liners, cute smirks, maybe something cryptic like a tattoo of Josef Stalin eating a hot dog. Their linked Tumblr page shows they have an active interest in occult medicine and deep-sea creatures. Whatever weird, dumb thing you're into, they've got it. They've seemingly got the total package.

So you go and meet them at your favorite gastropub, and as you're sipping a glass of some crap with fernet in it, it dawns on you: This person doesn't seem that cool. How can this be? How could you have been snowed so easily based on a first impression?

It's the same, sometimes, with music. The following songs all have brilliant introductions but quickly go on to suck out loud. Listen and wince as the pangs of regret throb in your ears.


6. Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Under the Bridge"

The Red Hot Chili Peppers, who should've been forgotten and filed away as a Big Boys rip-off in their early years, managed to spawn one gem in their entire catalog of terribleness: the first 28 seconds of this song. Then, the appearance of Anthony Kiedis' hairless body marks the end of one of the most beautiful introductions in modern music and the beginning of one of the most horrendous, boring, saccharine songs ever written, re-enforcing the fact that Generation X is comprised of clueless twits.

If "Under the Bridge" was a one-night stand, you would never call it back after it obsessively texted you to retrieve the poetry "accidentally" left under your bed. Curiously, all of the produce in your refrigerator would start growing soul patches.

5. Arctic Monkeys - "A Certain Romance"

The more I write, the less I read the comments on my articles. And although it's probably a mistake to admit this, I'll say I was affected by two of them. The first was on my article about bigoted musicians where it was theorized that I was an apologist relative of legendary Fox News dickhead Roger Ailes (sorry, no relation). The second comment stated that I was obviously a huge fan of Arctic Monkeys. To be certain the latter was dead wrong, I listened to them. And it was bad. The good thing that came out of it, however, was that I was inspired to compile this list.

If you clicked the link, then you've noticed the song completely pukes all over itself right as things start to get hot and heavy. However, like me, you were probably fooled into giving it a chance by the alluring pound of the drums and repetitive guitar as it builds to a loud, dirty riff.

If you think this is an isolated incident, think again. Arctic Monkeys nose-dive into a pit of steaming garbage over and over again. The cringe-worthily titled "I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor" and "The View From the Afternoon" also both begin with decent, striking intros before deteriorating into watered-down, flimsy tripe. Pathetic.


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39 comments
Alirox
Alirox

How about 'Fire' by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown:

I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE AND I BRING YOU fire doot-do-doo-doo-doo fire doot-do-doo-doo-doo....

Doug Mulville
Doug Mulville

"Sweet child" has a great intro? really? It barely made the appetite record and was written as FILLER. The band HATEDthe riff and song and were forced to put it on the record. As for the Chil Peppers, this jackass writer might be as pathetic a critic as Bream at the Strib. Get a freaking clue!

Taylor Limbeck
Taylor Limbeck

This article is complete trash. City Pages...yawn.

Evan Landon
Evan Landon

City Pages should stop paying assholes who get their opinions from surveying drunk 21 year-olds who just heard a song over the radio after their first beer - if they want to be taken seriously, and not publish this wanna-be journalist/dipshit. Go back to your job assistant managing at Mall of America, Duhr-who, and let intelligent people do the writing. Editors, please note: read these comments. I'm not the only one who doesn't want to read this bullshit!

Evan Landon
Evan Landon

I stopped reading after he bashed the first song. I bet this prick lives in Uptown and drinks nothing but craft beer. Hipsters = Dipshit Assholes, like this douchebag. Congrats on even getting published, Derheww!

Charles Saeger
Charles Saeger

All RHCP is awful. "Sweet Child of Mine," however, is not.

rasputin1
rasputin1

Since when was "Sweet Child of Mine" awful?

Luke Torgerson
Luke Torgerson

Richard William, this babbling fool has insulted sweet child of mine, i wish for you to take him down a peg... Go!

Joshua Lauer
Joshua Lauer

I expect an author to follow through on the claims of the headlines. You didn't. Regardless of whether or not I liked your article, it's clear that it sums you up very well, "you were probably fooled into giving it a chance by the alluring" headline... and waste of time.

MNjoe
MNjoe topcommenter

Yes, we're ALL Devo!

Drew Ailes
Drew Ailes

This article is brilliant and the author is the Henry Rollins of Minneapolis

Drew Ailes
Drew Ailes

You expect ART to be reviewed OBJECTIVELY?

Drew Ailes
Drew Ailes

Austin, if youd read the fucking article maybe you'd understand all of them

Christian Johnson
Christian Johnson

RHCP have sucked since whatever they released after Uplift. And Gut Feeling is awesome throughout.

Eric Christofferson
Eric Christofferson

Well there's five minutes of my life I just wasted while reading this.

Joshua Lauer
Joshua Lauer

I'm not saying the article shouldn't be subjective, but it should be thought out more than dribble. What makes the songs terrible? What makes the intros good? Neither of these questions get answered. It would have been nice to have an explanation.

David Kay
David Kay

It's like most lists, these days. It lacks context and cultural empathy. However, if you're writing for Mad Magazine, proceed Guv'na.

Brandon Nelson
Brandon Nelson

Yeah whatever floats your boat man. I know you're a columnist at what is arguably a paper, but this doesn't make your opinion fact or worth caring about. If you want to be taken seriously as a journalist of any variety you should follow the advice of previous commenters and back up your opinion with some kind of argument.

Melissa Mj
Melissa Mj

This list is missing the entry "Every single song U2 has 'made' since 1993."

Chad R. Caruthers
Chad R. Caruthers

Thanks, you've inspired me to write, "Six Terrible Columns with Enticing Headlines," with this one at the top of the list.

Jennifer Denardo Bridgeman
Jennifer Denardo Bridgeman

Dear Drew Ailes- Thank you for allowing me to laugh at another human being without feeling guilty afterwards. Emily is correct. Fix your life. (Thanks Emily)

tim.brackett
tim.brackett

Does this guy think he's the Stephen Colbert of music criticism?  If so, your satirical skills need work.  If not, resorting to trolling (i.e. entire RHCP entry) might bump up page views for a while but will ruin your credibility as a critic in the long run.  


Erik Seavey
Erik Seavey

Should have read the list backward. Then i would have known. Because anyone who so rabidly worships Devo can't have good taste in music.

Christo Collins
Christo Collins

yeahhhhh...sweet child of mine is basically one of the greatest songs ever...

Charlie Milkey
Charlie Milkey

The takeaway here is that I'm going to start using the phrase "fix your life" more

Jim McFarlane
Jim McFarlane

You expected something with the title "Six terrible songs with enticing intros" to be anything but subjective?

Kara Nesvig
Kara Nesvig

I'm sorry WHAT sweet child of mine for REAL

Grant Nelson
Grant Nelson

Calling Under The Bridge a terrible song is just ridiculous. It is a super personal song to Anthony and it has amazing lyrics. Boo to Drew Ailes.

Joshua Lauer
Joshua Lauer

This writing is subjective bullshit that doesn't even attempt to back its claims. Why are these songs bad despite their intros? Because the author doesn't like them. That's not good enough. We expect authors to share opinions, but we want seemingly objective logic behind those opinions. This author sounds like a spoiled single child who never learned what the word share means.

Emily Nicole
Emily Nicole

Who the hell talks shit about the Chili Peppers? Fix your life.

cooljoekeith
cooljoekeith

Well, since you clearly represent the 18-35 year old male demographic, it's completely safe to say that your opinion simply does not matter...

funny, tho...

MNjoe
MNjoe topcommenter

Of course you care or you wouldn't be reading and commenting.

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