Please keep your heroin out of my club

Dreamworks LLC

The Door Guy is a veteran of countless clubs around town. People say they've seen it all, but he's seen more. Write to him for everything from live advice to life advice.

Hey Door Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple months now. He's really cool. We met at a club and bonded over our love of EDM and club drugs. Both are about 1000X more fun together than they ever were on my own. The other day, while we were partying, he said that he wanted to try doing something different together and suggested heroin. I've never done H before but I like to party and I like this guy. Can people do smack and go clubbing? What do you think the downsides are here? What's a cool girl with a cool guy to do?

--Cool Kids Cooler with H?

See Also: Top 10 rules of the rave: A guide to underground dance party etiquette

So let me get this straight...

You and your boyfriend like to party and go clubbing and do party drugs and now he wants to do heroin with you, and you're wondering what the downsides are?

So, um, sorry, but have you read this column before? Club drugs? EDM? It's like Sanskrit to this crusty old man. Club drugs are like club music, manufactured and oddly quantized experiences that have no relevance whatsofuckingever to me, because your Molly and EDM was yesterday's X and techno, and frankly, I didn't really give a shit then, either.

That's not to say that I'm judging you or anyone for partying, but in my years of experience club drugs are supposed to be fleeting, supposed to be immediate and gone the next day, like a one night stand, all just part of keeping the party going. Heroin, on the other hand? Heroin is like the earth mother goddess of fucked-up drugs. You don't hook up with heroin, you have a fucking relationship with it. It runs deep and hard and it hurts you whether you're with it or trying to dump it.

I'm sorry to be the big old party pooper, CKCH, but part of my job as a door guy is to keep you from doing all the cool kid club drugs you seem to love, or at least create an air of plausible deniability for my employer via my presence and occasional searching of your purse, your shoes, that locket around your neck, and the inside of the brim of that awful trilby/fedora hat you love that looked stupid when everyone in L.A. wore them four years ago and has aged like foot fungus.

That's why no clubs, rock venues, or even the grossest dive in the Twin Cities has a sign hanging up that says "COME HERE TO DO ALL THE DRUGZ." Because while these places of business understand that people like to party and get fucked up, we don't want to deal with people freaking out or overdosing or getting assaulted or in any other way fucking with the overall smooth running of our business. In other words, we want you to handle your shit or stay home. And speaking in the most general terms, heroin is a stay-home-not-handling-your-shit-in-public kind of drug.

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