Please keep your heroin out of my club

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Dreamworks LLC

The Door Guy is a veteran of countless clubs around town. People say they've seen it all, but he's seen more. Write to him for everything from live advice to life advice.

Hey Door Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple months now. He's really cool. We met at a club and bonded over our love of EDM and club drugs. Both are about 1000X more fun together than they ever were on my own. The other day, while we were partying, he said that he wanted to try doing something different together and suggested heroin. I've never done H before but I like to party and I like this guy. Can people do smack and go clubbing? What do you think the downsides are here? What's a cool girl with a cool guy to do?

--Cool Kids Cooler with H?

See Also: Top 10 rules of the rave: A guide to underground dance party etiquette

So let me get this straight...

You and your boyfriend like to party and go clubbing and do party drugs and now he wants to do heroin with you, and you're wondering what the downsides are?

So, um, sorry, but have you read this column before? Club drugs? EDM? It's like Sanskrit to this crusty old man. Club drugs are like club music, manufactured and oddly quantized experiences that have no relevance whatsofuckingever to me, because your Molly and EDM was yesterday's X and techno, and frankly, I didn't really give a shit then, either.

That's not to say that I'm judging you or anyone for partying, but in my years of experience club drugs are supposed to be fleeting, supposed to be immediate and gone the next day, like a one night stand, all just part of keeping the party going. Heroin, on the other hand? Heroin is like the earth mother goddess of fucked-up drugs. You don't hook up with heroin, you have a fucking relationship with it. It runs deep and hard and it hurts you whether you're with it or trying to dump it.

I'm sorry to be the big old party pooper, CKCH, but part of my job as a door guy is to keep you from doing all the cool kid club drugs you seem to love, or at least create an air of plausible deniability for my employer via my presence and occasional searching of your purse, your shoes, that locket around your neck, and the inside of the brim of that awful trilby/fedora hat you love that looked stupid when everyone in L.A. wore them four years ago and has aged like foot fungus.

That's why no clubs, rock venues, or even the grossest dive in the Twin Cities has a sign hanging up that says "COME HERE TO DO ALL THE DRUGZ." Because while these places of business understand that people like to party and get fucked up, we don't want to deal with people freaking out or overdosing or getting assaulted or in any other way fucking with the overall smooth running of our business. In other words, we want you to handle your shit or stay home. And speaking in the most general terms, heroin is a stay-home-not-handling-your-shit-in-public kind of drug.


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29 comments
Angela Robinson
Angela Robinson

Dance clubs don't excite heroin addicts, doctor's offices do!

Rick Miller
Rick Miller

If anybody in the year 2014 doesn't know what the downsides to heroin are, they must be stupid enough to use heroin

tim.brackett
tim.brackett

Thankfully, we got the Taliban out of Afghanistan and the heroin started flowing again.

John Bunch
John Bunch

Heroin is dangerous because there is no quality control, because it is illegal. Just like people died from booze in 1925.

Eric Jacobson
Eric Jacobson

The heroin is necessary to endure Minnesota winters.

Adam R. Huesman
Adam R. Huesman

Does that mean uncool, is the new cool? I can't keep up.

David Lamey
David Lamey

H, run fer yer life!! It's a killer!! Warning Warning, Will Robinson!!

Brock OLee
Brock OLee

Do your Molly,eat your moonrock, take your sasharash,but keep that fucking heroin out of our club!

hr612
hr612

It's nice to read something of actual value despite my lack of knowledge with the subject. Maybe it's a little obvious, but who cares. It's one less top ten list.

Joshua Dorrian
Joshua Dorrian

Drugs and clubbing? All the best relationships are built in them.

Rob Peterson
Rob Peterson

Is there a good reason to start doing heroin?

lamadnessmusic
lamadnessmusic

@citypages awesome article. True. Herion never turns out well, ever. It kills you or just fucks your life up. Amazingly terrifying.

Anna Gonzalez
Anna Gonzalez

Is this real? I've never seen some on on heroin raving hard in the middle of the dance floor I've only seen them sitting on the floor at some disgusting house with their eyes rolled back in there head. This girl have obviously done too many drugs has become a burn out because no person in their right mind would do heroin. You do drugs like that to escape real life. Sounds like your bf is a loser whose leaning on you to come with him on his spiral downward

Courtney Hannon
Courtney Hannon

I can't believe I just read an advice article on why you SHOULDN'T do herion with your (probably already a closet junkie) loser boyfriend.

Kathy Drews
Kathy Drews

That you have to get rid of that boyfriend!!!!

Jesse Etzler
Jesse Etzler

After watching countless documentaries about heroin, it is one fucked up drug. It will make you lose everything. I watched a guy who owned an entire business and have millions of dollars lose it all and started living on the street because of heroin. So ya it's defiantly not a party drug and using it just once will ruin your life it looks like. So ya stick to the other drugs... meth and heroin not even once

orangevening1
orangevening1

Life sucks then you die, why not feel good for a little while? Seems like a good reason to do heroin. Some people choose not to choose life.

orangevening1
orangevening1

As someone who has had there quality of life severely reduced by Heroin I have to disagree on a few points. Your right, one does develop a relationship with it. And its nearly impossible to stop and messes up lives bad. At the same time if US drug were different and allowed people to be on a matienence dose of Heroin like Switzerland or made it easier for people to be on Suboxone or Methadone lots of individual and social problems would be highly reduced. Nicotine is more addictive, has killed WAY more people, but we don't demonize it like we do with Heroin.

lamadnessmusic
lamadnessmusic

@citypages Herion if not confronted will explode more than it has, where so you think all the cotton users go after? To the Mainline.

lamadnessmusic
lamadnessmusic

@citypages Making a comeback after all the oxy abuse, it needs to talked about more. Its so dark, noone wants to. Doing so will save lives.

lamadnessmusic
lamadnessmusic

@citypages a newer song called "Escape" we look to record on our next album/EP is about that entirely. Its a brutal thing to behold.

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