7 types of drunks to avoid at the club

newcomposite-drunk560.jpg
Artwork by Dave Watt

The Door Guy is a veteran of countless clubs around town. People say they've seen it all, but he's seen more. Write to him for everything from live advice to life advice.

Dear Door Guy:

Okay, I have a problem. Well, it's not my problem, it's my buddy. Every time we go out, he gets really drunk. Like, really drunk. We're at the bar, having a good time, and I turn my head for a second, and he's totally wasted and ruining my fun. It's a complete pain in my ass.

I'm sick of it, because it gets in the way of my good time. I just want him to go away. When is it okay to ditch a drunk friend?

--Just Wants To Hang

See also:
10 things the Door Guy hates about you

Dear JWTH:
What you describe is a tough spot, but you didn't go into a lot of detail. Drunk friends come in all shapes and sizes, it's not a one-size-fits-all sort of thing.

Over the years, I've seen (and known) many a bad drunk, and there's a plethora of categories that they fit in. I bet you a nice shot of booze that your friend fits into one or more of those categories. Here's a few of my all-time (not at all) favorites -- read on and see if you recognize your friend:

lifeparty-drunk560.jpg
Artwork by Dave Watt

The "Life of the Party" Drunk: Give this person three drinks, and they know exactly how to have a good time. He or she'll get up on a table. They'll approach random strangers and decide they're best friends. They'll yell "SHOTS!" at the top of their lungs like built-in SONAR (and who knows, maybe it's the only way they can navigate the room). They will happily remove articles of clothing. The rare LOTP is as charming as the booze makes him think he is, but 99 percent of them stick out like a sore thumb and make everyone around them uncomfortable. Why, you ask? Because whatever party world they're in, it's one of their own making, and usually has nothing to do with the actual fun times going on around them. For worker bees like myself, this person makes the job a lot like caring for a needy 5-year-old at a day care center. They demand lots of attention, frequent reminders to keep their pants on, and the occasional time-out.



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14 comments
Jillian Neimeyer
Jillian Neimeyer

You're either an alcoholic or you're not. Clearly this list should be called "How to tell if you're an alcoholic".

Joe Duggan
Joe Duggan

understanding humans comes through stereotypes, I think

Steve Nathe
Steve Nathe

Then again, you could just avoid the club. ;)

Ryan Nosbush
Ryan Nosbush

How bout just avoid the club completely?

Tahsha LePage
Tahsha LePage

wait..where is the high-pitched squealing girl drunk? You know, cuz it's been like 5 minutes since she's seen her girlfriend, and OMG, she is here! *gag*

Tim T Praxaya
Tim T Praxaya

You forgot the drunk who talks shit about the other drunks in the list!?!

Dave Hauser
Dave Hauser

Brian, I fall into all those categories! What next?

eddogg67
eddogg67

Very sound advice at the end. Just keep an extra $20 and the can company on speed dial.

Matthew Anderson
Matthew Anderson

Can't you solve this problem by simply avoiding the club altogether?

dspppp
dspppp

The worst are the "Toughest Fucker on the Planet" drunks, after two beers they want to take on the whole bar...AT THE SAME TIME! Pain in the ass.

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