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10 reasons you're too old for Coachella

Categories: Festivals
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Chris Victorio/OC Weekly
You tell 'em, Grandpa!

Age, of course, is a state of mind. But it's easy to feel like you've aged 30 years after three busy days at Coachella. Whether you've gone to the festival since the first year in 1999 or just started going a few years ago, the festival can feel a bit, well, different than when you were in your teens and 20s. If so, you might want to check and see if you just might be getting too old for this shit.

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10. You Need A Magnifying Glass to Read the Damn Lineup Poster
Okay, is it just your or does the last few lines of the lineup keep getting more and more impossible to read? No, it must just be your browser, right?
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9. Who The Hell Are These People?
When you're finally able to decipher the bands billed in smaller font in the line up, you find yourself saying, "Who??" more than usual. There was a day when you were a huge fan of even the itty bitty bands billed on the last line (see: the Killers circa 2004, the Locust circa 2005, the Avett Brothers circa 2007, Deadmau5 circa 2008). Now, the acts you're most excited for could easily be seen on VH1 Classic. What's a STRFKR, anyway?


8. Strollerchella
Once upon a time, the only person you were forced to babysit at Coachella was your friend who decided to take acid and ecstasy at once. But these days you're busy taking care of that tiny human you made smooshing your crotches with the good-looking kid you met at the Do Lab a few years prior.

7. You Now Pregame With a Cold-Pressed Organic Juice and Bowl of Quinoa
Coachella can take a lot out of you: the dry, desert heat, the walking, and the curmudgeonly judgements can all be exhausting. When you first started going to music festivals, you took hits of various illicit uppers, downers and stabilizers out of the little brown bottle in your shaving kit to get you through whatever the weekend brought your way. These days, it's all about a healthy balance of an organic diet, morning yoga and PMA to get you through the day.

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24 comments
Sam Brown
Sam Brown

How about the 135 bands performing in #winonaMN APR 23-26 as part of Mid West Music Fest (MWMF)...

Sam Brown
Sam Brown

we welcome all ages at Mid West Music Fest (MWMF)... in Winona, MN

Whitney Joan
Whitney Joan

You're too old to enjoy live music? I don't think that happens....Ageism is an annoying thing in our culture.

kriskowalski
kriskowalski

This writer probably wasn't even born when the best outdoor Festivals happened. 1# sign your too young to know a good festival: When you start writing articles about how great Coachella is when it's just rehashed shit that's been done a million times before

Kris Kowalski
Kris Kowalski

Top reason you're too young to know what good music festival: # 1 when you start writing articles about how cool Coachella is when in reality it's just rehash thats been done a million times before you were born

Kendall Lynn
Kendall Lynn

CP, you need to get over your fascination with Coachella. There are so many festivals much more worthy of attention, that have better music too. I'm 55 and still go to festivals. No regrets if it's the right one.

John Bunch
John Bunch

The old are the only group you can openly discriminate against in modern America.

Brandy Folden
Brandy Folden

We were just talking about this April Bartoletti!!!! No!!! I'll never be too old...

Lauren Schmidt
Lauren Schmidt

Also, typo in #10. It says your instead of you in the first sentence

Lauren Schmidt
Lauren Schmidt

Why do you keep posting about coachella CP? There's more to the world than cali and colorado, you know.

Bob Alberti
Bob Alberti

11. You have no idea what Coachella is or how to pronounce it.

Michael Paulson
Michael Paulson

As long as you can control yourself from pummeling hipsters your never to old!

apologist
apologist

When you're actually too old for it, you don't think about it, care about it, or write articles about being too old for it. Feels pretty good.

jreal411
jreal411

This is the dumbest shit I've ever seen. Who gives a fuck how old you are? Are you saying live music is only for young people? I bet you listen to EDM. You're a fucking hack.


DaveTheDopeFiend
DaveTheDopeFiend

@jreal411 I hate piling on, but 100% agree. Got as far a point #9 and gave up. Not even bad, just painfully boring. Also: timely much? Wouldn't this have been better had it been published, I don't know, a week or so ago? Coachella is over this weekend -- it's old news.

Now -- cue Reed to come to the defense of crap writing in 5...4...3...2...

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