10 reasons why I love the Pedal Pub

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All illustrations by Dave Watt

The Door Guy is a veteran of countless clubs around town. People say they've seen it all, but he's seen more. Write to him for everything from live advice to life advice.

Dear Door Guy:
I bet you totally HATE the pedal pub, right? I mean, I've read your columns and I can't wait to read what you have to say about a bunch of drunks on a gigantic mobile bicycle-bar now that they're rolling on the streets again.

Signed, Diss the Pedal Pub

I'm sorry, DTPP, was there a question? I mean, no offense, I appreciate you taking the time to write and all. It's great that you, as one of my six avid fans, has really dug in and grabbed a hold of the meta-subtext that I try to incorporate into all my columns. You are wondering nothing, but just want me to spew about why Pedal Pubs suck.

But you know something? I'm not playing into your game. You want a column about the Pedal Pub? Here's The Door Guy's top 10 reasons why I TOTALLY FRICKIN' LOVE THE PEDAL PUB.


10. Pedal Pubs Provide Exercise for Busy People
Exercise is very important to mental health, and in today's world people simply don't have the time. Ergo, we must multi-task. Have you ever been in the skyway in downtown and witnessed people in business formal power-walking in sneakers? Do you think they know, or care, how ridiculous they look? Hell no, my friend, they are owning life. Pedal Pubs give those same people the opportunity to get their healthy sweat on while engaging in the divinely relaxing pursuit of the conspicuous consumption of alcohol.

9. Pedal Pubs = Good Weather
Spring is in the air and it's the season of outdoor drinking, and we should all be outside celebrating because we only have a couple months before the weather gets totally stupid again. We sprawl across bar patios, back yards, front stoops, and secret hideouts under railroad bridges trying to cram every last second of fresh air, vitamin D, and sweet sweet booze we possibly can. With that in mind, a bunch of friends piling on an awkward contraption that allows for all three of those things is a perfect summation of the relief we all collectively feel after a long frustrating winter. Are you a winter-lover, DTPP? ARE YOU?

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8. Pedal Pubs Promote Diversity
Pedal pubs encourage us all to embrace diversity and embrace the wealth of collective knowledge. By bringing people to bars they normally would never be caught dead in, we turn your standard stuck-in-a-rut bar full of regulars into a positively exciting melting pot, where new ideas and attitudes collide with old for 10 or 15 beautiful minutes until it's time to hit the road to the next stop. Don't sell those moments short. Like butterflies somewhere in Asia, they cause ripples that create hurricanes of new understanding elsewhere. Think big, DTPP. The rifts created by the pedal pub might just cure cancer halfway across the world.


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7 comments
leevs
leevs

Oh I can't wait for all the hater comments.  Can't you people just let pedal pubbers have their fun? 

Lorie Haddad
Lorie Haddad

Totally agree!! He's the contrarian's contrarian!

PattMeterson
PattMeterson

10. Pedal Pubs Provide Exercise for Busy People : Yeah! Just ask the people sitting on the back bench, the people who aren't actually pedaling, or the people waiting behind them in traffic!

 
9. Pedal Pubs = Good Weather : Yeah! Just ask the folks who are trying to enjoy their day and a Pedal Pub drives by!


8. Pedal Pubs Promote Diversity : Yeah! Just ask their all white staff!

 
7. Pedal Pubs Aren't Too Cool : Yeah! Start riding before it is! That isn't a hipster trend at all!


6. Pedal Pubs Are For Everyone (Who Has $40,000 to Spare) : Yeah! This makes any sense at all!


5. Pedal Pubs Are Wholesome : Yeah! Just ask the pedal pube that puked on the Mayslacks patron's lunch after doing too many shots!


4. Pedal Pubs Are Safer Than Getting Behind the Wheel : Yeah! Because after you are wasted, the Pedal Pub TOTALLY makes sure you don't drive home!


3. Pedal Pubs Promote Good Manners : Yeah! No one has EVER reported hearing chants of "CUNT CUNT CUNT" from a Pedal Pub before!


2. Pedal Pubs Accept Sober Riders : Yeah! They'll take your money weather you are drinking or not. It's not like they aren't providing booze OR EVEN WATER!


1. Pedal Pubs Create New Bonds : Yeah! Don't have 10-15 friends, learn how to dwindle that number even more.

тнeresa presтon
тнeresa presтon

He's only likening them to piss us off. He feels the same way as we all do.

Christen Winsor
Christen Winsor

I love that they can obstruct traffic and drink on the road, but I can't buy a growler to bring home on Sunday -_-

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