18.2 reasons why Blink-182 is the greatest band of all time
|Photo by Jeff Bender|
Blink-182 might release their seventh album this year. Please try to contain your excitement. I'll be the first to admit that Blink-182's last album was a steaming pile of overproduced shit, but I love the dudes. In fact, they're the best band in history.
They provided the soundtrack to millions of us during our dorky, pajama pants-wearing preteen years. They were comforting when relationships fell through due to my inappropriate sense of humor. You may be enraged by what follows, but hear me out. Here are 18.2 reasons why Blink-182 is the greatest band of all time.See also:
I honestly tried to like Imagine Dragons
1. I am a '90s child
2. I don't consider myself a music critic
3. I still laugh at poop jokes
18. Because they wore baggy Dickies and pulled their tube socks high
Absolutepunk.net user Derrenk182 recently wrote: "how does blink 182 get there dickie shorts so baggy do they get bigger waste sizes or what. cuz one u buy normal dickie shorts there not even that baggy?" Good question, Derrenk! You probably need bigger pants. Take a hint from Mark Hoppus -- there's enough room in his Dickies for the two of us to climb inside and stay forever.
17. Because Travis Barker is actually a pretty good drummer
I admittedly know very little about drumming, but Barker sounds good and people say he's good, so he's probably good. That's how these things work, right? Barker gets additional cool points on my still-existing preteen rating system for his mohawk, scalp tattoos, and collaborations with RZA, Raekwon, and Yelawolf. He loses a few for Meet the Barkers.
I gave myself this tattoo at 19-years-old.
15. Because they inspire really stupid tattoos
16. Because nudity
The nudity in "What's My Age Again" is cool and everything, but nothing beats the Travis Barker pics that surfaced on MediaTakeOut in 2012. Barker sent a cease and desist letter to the site, claiming that the pictures were over five years old and weren't meant to be seen by the public. Too late. Though the pictures were removed from the website, you can still find them with a quick Google search. "All the Small Things" jokes do not apply.
14. Because they still make poop/fart/dick jokes
When sorting through friendship applications, I'm primarily looking for one qualification: If I make a poop joke, you must laugh. If you don't, our friendship will go nowhere. We'll sit in awkward silence after my first diarrhea joke of the day, like two friends after breaking their "We probably shouldn't sleep together" promise. Whenever I lose a friendship over my incessant need to make inappropriate comments about bodily functions, I haul up in my man cave blasting The Mark, Tom, and Travis Show (Blink's live album) on repeat and allow the belches, farts, and dick jokes to overtake me.
13. Because sometimes they sometimes involve their grandparents in said poop/fart/dick jokes
Youngins, avert your eyes. These are the lyrics to "Grandpa Song:" "When you fucked grandpa did he tell you that he loved you? Did he hold you till the sun did rise, and did he look into your eyes and ask you to felate him and stick a finger or two in his ass?"