10 reasons Juggalos are better than you

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Nate "Igor" Smith
Life sucks. There is a multitude of reasons why, and no one has come to terms with this inescapable truth better than Juggalos. Zen masters of nihilism and partying, they have become unquestionable experts at finding creative ways to cope with the unrelenting pain of reality.

See also:
The 20 best-dressed Juggalos at the Gathering

Behind the fun-at-any-cost, consequences-be-damned attitude of these clown-painted fiends lies a cache of truly virtuous and respectable traits. You might be unable to comprehend that people who seem so strange might have something profound to teach you, so we've put together this list, outlining just what it is that makes juggalos better than everyone else.

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10. Juggalos Are Direct
Juggalos look you in the eyes when they talk to you. After accidentally brushing up against your oversized backpack while somersaulting away in a hurry, they'll still find the time to stop to earnestly apologize. And if a juggalo is angry at you, he or she will let you know it right away -- probably in the form of a loud chant about how "You fucked up."

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9. Juggalos Are Reckless but Miraculously Competent
You should never fire off a Roman candle in the middle of a crowd. Unless, of course, you've already done it twenty times that night without a single error. One of the more incredible things about going to the Gathering of the Juggalos is the number of times that you stare directly into the face of danger and shrug your shoulders, because, "shit, no one else here seems to be dead yet."

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8. Juggalos Are Generous
These are the sort of people that walk around with giant bottles of vodka, yelling into the sky as they offer free shots to everyone they pass. They hand you food that they're bored of eating. They show you their boobs if you just ask, and randomly give you a dollar to buy a bottle of water if you are thirsty. If you smell weed, you can ask for a hit without hesitation. Or if you happen to find yourself passing out on a grassy field after taking unexpectedly powerful hallucinogens, they just might provide all of the aforementioned things over the course of five minutes.

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7. They Didn't Kill The People From VICE
Hey, they were nice people, don't get me wrong, but they were obviously out of their element. They dressed like German tourists, and we caught them taking selfies at the Gathering -- twice. (Their photographer is from Cleveland, yet doesn't hang out at the greatest bar in the world: Now That's Class.) Plus, they actually used the cell-phone charging station. Thanks to the benevolence of the Juggalo people, they made it out of this psychotic mess of a festival without being disemboweled. So that is pretty cool.

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6. Juggalos Are Brilliant at Chanting
While the most common chants are "Fam-i-ly", "Magic Magic Ninja What," and the aforementioned,"You Fucked Up," we also heard some other choice hollering:
"Mutilated Dick!"
"Cir-cum-sized!"
"Baby-Dick!"
"Suck His Dick!"
"Fuck Jay Leno"
"Fuck Johnny Carson"
"Fuck Jack Paar"
"Fuck Steve Allen"
"Fuck Ed Sullivan"
"Fuck Her Right In The Pussy"
Basically, if a phrase is about dicks or has the word "fuck" in it, juggalos will gather en masse and scream it in unison at the top of their lungs.

Story continues on the next page.


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43 comments
cernst151
cernst151

If your life sucks, you're doing it wrong.  


Sounds to me that most of your reasons that they're "better" is that they're inconsiderate dicks, except when they're passing out alcohol and drugs.  I appreciate people who are generous but "being able" to chant "fuck Ed Sullivan" is hardly a skill, much less one that makes you better than anyone else.  

Tim Williams
Tim Williams

Now Shitty Pages is determining who is better than who...Wow.

Cameron B. Wright
Cameron B. Wright

How many days are you going to post about this Shit. #moveon

Jeffrey Stager
Jeffrey Stager

The only thing I want to hand to a juggalo is a live grenade.

Tasha Rose
Tasha Rose

Can we have enough with the juggalo garbage please? CP you are better than this.

Adam Poorbaugh
Adam Poorbaugh

Strong words, everyone. But I don't think you really know what it means to be down with the clown. Poseurs.

Cecilia Mische
Cecilia Mische

What the hell is a Juggalo? You got they why I should care, but c'mon...you forgot the most important thing.

Paul C. LaManna
Paul C. LaManna

Generosity is a virtue...so is resourcefulness. Hats off to them - we all know some

Jake England
Jake England

Great Article.. If you're not into Juggalo music and disagreed, you've completely missed the point.

Chris Welton
Chris Welton

Giving too much credit to sister/cousin fuckers.

Stefanie Megan Brown
Stefanie Megan Brown

Stop posting all this juggalo shit! It's a community to IGNORE, not to constantly giggle at like a bunch of stupid hipster kids

Daniel LaRose
Daniel LaRose

Most of the music sucks. The fans can be even worse.

Daniel LaRose
Daniel LaRose

Hey sam.. what do juggalos and bowling pins have in common? You hit one and the rest fall down.. Hahahaha You kind of walked into it.

Sam Fenner
Sam Fenner

If I see one more statement or post of somebody saying something bad about Juggalos I swear to god im going to get pissed Be who u want I am a juggalo and I LOVE IT !!!!

J Steve Bergquist
J Steve Bergquist

Pretty bold statement from someone who doesn't know what capital letters or apostrophes are for, Luke Knutson. Everyone, actually read it. It's poignant, funny, and absolutely not written by a juggalo.

eddogg67
eddogg67

Juggalos are worse than the dirt between the treads of my shoes.

Luke Knutson
Luke Knutson

juggalos are white trash cousin fucking inbred's. This music is made by meth heads.. who have a lower IQ then a fetus.

Stuttering John
Stuttering John

Hahaha city pages you should've trolled this in the daytime!!!

Del Bauer
Del Bauer

Seriously. Enough with the juggalo posts. Wow.

Andrew Kuechle
Andrew Kuechle

Obviously, City Pages hired a Juggalo. Sad man. Sad.

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