16 stupid hats musicians love to wear

LEADHAT.jpg
Flickr/Joel Dinda
Straw hat left off this list because obviously it sucks. You don't need my help with that.

Recently, my enemies have been accusing me of having a problem with hats. Maybe it's because I am (predictably) a bald, pale music critic, and wearing a hat makes me look like a Nosferatu vampire-creature. But personally, I think someone's choice of headwear can tell a lot about a person -- usually how they suck.

As I am fully aware that most people are not as gifted as I am when it comes to deciphering the inner-character of a human being based solely upon their appearance, I've created an exceptionally important guide. When I die, I will be remembered for my gift to the world: a list of stupid hats musicians wear and what they mean.


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Flickr/Tatu43

16. Trucker Hat
If you are over the age of 40 and wear a trucker hat, you are in a cover band. Or you think you are Johnny Knoxville or some bullshit.

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Flickr/hkarau

15. Fedora Hat
No one has told you that a hat will not make up for your patchy facial hair. No one has told you that Dave Navarro also has his nipples pierced and should not be relied upon for fashion tips. If you are a girl wearing a fedora, you should know that you do not look like a sexy Indiana Jones.

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Flickr/Craig Hatfield

14. Bowler Hat
You look like you're about to eat a bunch of food or design a website for a business that is never going to pay you. Or you're too into A Clockwork Orange, meaning you have the sex appeal of a giant bass guitar covered in penis skin.

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Flickr/gorriti

13. Cabbie Hat
If you have hair and you wear this hat, everyone will assume you are bald in the exact spot that the hat is covering up. It is also affectionately called a "fat guy hat", because it looks good on fat guys for some reason. This hat is also frequently worn by fans of Celtic punk, which is a genre of music that should have started and ended with the Pogues.

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21 comments
Jay Miller
Jay Miller

This article could have literally been called "Silly Hats I Thought Of".

Brian Hoffmann
Brian Hoffmann

City Pages is really starting to sound a lot like an angsty, friendless, teenager. No one cares what you think about our hats, asshole.

Jeremy Dowd
Jeremy Dowd

So this douche writer only likes cowboy hats/stetsons and nothing else?

Kaia Rubin
Kaia Rubin

Shut your whore mouth about the captains hat .

tootsie
tootsie

This is just a list of hats and the negative stereotypical personalities you assign them. & has very little to do with musicians. Why's CP all about the pessimistic lists lately? For shame.

Joshua Flatla
Joshua Flatla

You could have cut the list in half, purely because you got lazy in the descriptions near the end and it showed.

Stefanie Megan Brown
Stefanie Megan Brown

Dude .........if the music you listen to involves all these dumb hats then maybe you should stop listening to goofy novelty bullshit.......... ijs

Shawn Spence
Shawn Spence

Just didn't know what was even left as options per this article. Cowboy hat and a sports related helmet are what I came up with.

Joshua Michael Erickson
Joshua Michael Erickson

yeah basically you leave us with cowboy hats and medieval knight helmets. stupid article, you basically rule out every hat. I'm a musician and I wear stocking caps and beanies. sue me lol.

Alex Anderson
Alex Anderson

Aaron Rupar has really dumbed down City Pages as a whole, though I have a feeling this is just another article stolen from Village Voice, or LA Weekly, or one of the other Voice Media counterparts.

Charlie Milkey
Charlie Milkey

I'm surprised a fedora isn't 1-16. It should be. Stop doing it.

Travis William Kath
Travis William Kath

I would like to see an article about the three eating utensils that musicians love to use. You use a spoon? Asshole with a guitar. You eat with fork? Acoustic asshole. Going with the knife tonight? Hippie drummer on acid. Feel free to use this.

Andrew Johnson
Andrew Johnson

You are so much better than this Buzzfeed type stuff.

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