I Hate CDs

flickr/ Brian Teutsch
It's over.

As a teenager, I spent whole paychecks earned from working drive thrus and shipping fax machine parts in three places: Root Cellar Records in St. Paul, Nightfall Records in Minneapolis, and with whatever local idiot in Bloomington was selling pot at that time.

At the height of the dopey youthful experience, I had hundreds of rare European import CDs piled up and displayed by some sort of giant lava lamp rack. They're all gone now, save for a few jewel cases that are sitting in a burlap sack in my bathroom for some reason. I sold them so I could buy more weed. I don't miss them, either.

Because I hate CDs.

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Six reasons bands should play 20 minutes or less

Tom Coates/Flickr

Imagine you're on a date and you're telling a story. It's a long one, but you know it's a winner. Everyone always loves this story. Three quarters of the way to the punchline, you notice a shift in your date's behavior. She's glancing at the door, bouncing her leg or messing with her hair. Does she want a cigarette? Does she need another drink to quell the anxiety? Has she been hit with a bout of explosive diarrhea?

Moments like these separate perceptive and considerate people from torturous, self-indulgent-asshole ones. The first will recognize the proper social cues and say something like, "Hey, let's grab another drink, and I'll finish this in a minute." The latter, however, will continue endlessly flapping their tight red gums, concentrating on themselves and their immediate needs.

See also:
7 types of drunks to avoid at the club

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The Snoopify app: A disaster that's only getting worse

Categories: Fail
Snoopify screencap
Since launching in May, Snoop Dogg's Snoopify app has transformed millions of otherwise boring Instagram photos into virtual g-thangs, with the help of digital "stickers": blunts, cash money and chicken n' waffles.

According to a recent press release from its promoters, it boasts three million downloads and averages 100,000 user-posted photos daily.

Though the app is free, the "stickers" aren't: 99 cent "packs" include the 7 Days of Funk (headphones, keytar, metallic sunglasses), the Riff Raff (gold bars, a neon wristwatch, snake pendant) and the Sticky Icky (40 oz., hair net, stripper, eye drops.) 

The really insane one... More »



Do the Twin Cities really need a new Hard Rock Cafe?

Categories: Fail

For a good while now, the Hard Rock Cafe has been a dinosaur that isn't aware that it's already extinct. This summer, the international eatery chain will open a new location at the Mall of America, but the news was rightfully overshadowed by the 400 Bar moving there with the promise of actual rock on the menu. 

After the Hard Rock Cafe closed in the failing Block E development in 2011, it seemed to already be a bad fit in this area. Maybe it was just the location downtown, where it stuck out like a sore thumb with its gaudy neon guitar that jutted out across the street from First Avenue. The juxtaposition as you approached the club was almost comical: Overblown, oversized glossy neon against the matte black monolith. Sure, it will look less out of place in the mall, but what's the point of this place?

See Also: 400 Bar to open venue in Mall of America

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Project Parrothead: A failed experiment in Jimmy Buffett extremism

Photo by Tony Nelson
Some actual Parrotheads at this week's Jimmy Buffett show.

Beginning the night of December 2, 2013, I embarked upon a foolhardy and ill-fated mission to spend 24 hours straight converting myself into the biggest Jimmy Buffett fan in the Twin Cities metro area.

For the uninitiated, Jimmy Buffett is the undisputed champion of wearing Hawaiian shirts and celebrating drunk, bacchanalian behavior, and his tribe is known as the Parrotheads. For more on his musical exploits, read my review of Tuesday's show at the Xcel. As a pop culture figure, he sits on a throne of golden calamari, and his Margaritaville brand produces clothing, frozen food, and alcoholic beverages.

See Also: Jimmy Buffett at Xcel Energy Center, 12/3/13

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L.A. Nik's apartment flooded after downtown water main break

Categories: Fail
Early on Sunday morning, around 4 a.m., a water main burst at 7th Street South and Portland Avenue, flooding a stretch of downtown. On the front lines of the damage: L.A. Nik's 4,000-sq. ft., three-story condo.

Nik, the self-styled downtown personality and sometime-musician, lives in the Sexton Lofts, a building smack at the intersection of the water main break. "There's nothing like being woken at 4 in the morning to the sound of 40 degree rushing water, flooding your home, just beneath your bed," Nik wrote Sunday on his blog.

See Also: The 16 best pieces of advice from L.A. Nik's new self-help book

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Danny Brown's Triple Rock show sparks unseemly oral sex controversy

Photo by Erik Hess
Danny Brown at Triple Rock Social Club on Friday

Live performance is an incredibly intimate bond between artists and fans, but that intimacy got busted worse than Danny Brown's front tooth during Friday's show on Minneapolis's West Bank. At minimum, the Detroit rapper led several fans at the sold-out Triple Rock Social Club to believe, and many to proclaim on Twitter, that they saw a female concert-goer in the front row performing oral sex on him.

At max, the 18-and-up crowd witnessed something that put Brown's evening alongside Jim Morrison's "Miami Incident." Either way, this is one of the most unfun blogs about Brown ever. There are some pretty graphic, NSFW stories that follow, so proceed with caution.

See Also: Danny Brown at Triple Rock Social Club, 4/26/13

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Journey's Neal Schon sues former Waseca mayor Judy Kozan

Categories: Fail
Photo by Tony Nelson
In a tale ripped straight from the clutches of TMZ, Journey guitarist Neal Schon is involved in a legal battle with Judy Kozan, who used to be the mayor of the southern Minnesota town of Waseca -- and also used to be his mother-in-law.

The rocker, who assured his place in the annals of gossip blog fodder forever with his brashly public relationship with Real Housewives of D.C.'s Michaele Salahi, accuses Kozan of writing libelous blog posts about his inability to support his 33-year-old ex-wife, Amber Schon, and their two young children.

See Also:
Review: Journey, Pat Benatar and Loverboy at the Minnesota State Fair, 9/1/12
Slideshow: Journey and Loverboy at the State Fair, 9/1/12

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Those Darlins burglarized after show at the Cedar [PHOTOS]

Photo by Erik Hess
Nikki Darlin playing the white Richmond guitar hours before it was stolen from their van.
See Also:
Best Coast, JEFF the Brotherhood, and Those Darlins at the Cedar, 7/28/12

Some thieving lowlife swiped a pair of guitars from Those Darlins' tour van just hours after they performed with Best Coast and JEFF the Brotherhood at the Cedar Cultural Center in Minneapolis Saturday.

Earlier in the day, the Tennessee cowpoke rockers' social networks were lit up with excitement about the petite Jessi Darlin celebrating her birthday -- but by Sunday a.m., the tone had shifted to disappointment. "MINNEAPOLIS - OUR VAN WAS ROBBED. HELP!" they tweeted. The two instruments in question are a red Fender Jaguar bass, and a white Richmond electric guitar.
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Jihadi pop: offensive to the ears

Categories: Fail

Sami Yusuf this shit is not.

Ostensibly intended as a recruitment tool, these misguided attempts at accessible propaganda are so uniformly awful, unlistenable, and terrifying that you can't help but laugh, or be left in shivers. Sporting eerie appropriations of gangster rap tropes (gunshots-as-ambience, violent braggadocio), footage of marches and infamous mujahadeen, and a truly bush-league Auto-tune, I'm left with the image of the sad sacks sitting solitary, whispering lyrics into a janky Packard Bell, tweaking levels, uploading to Youtube. Gauche.

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Jihad, Youtube