Six Ways to Avoid Getting Robbed on Tour

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
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All illustrations by Dave Watt

Although musicians are infamous for walking out on bar tabs, trashing hotel rooms, and hijacking chuckwagon sandwiches from gas stations, there is one thing they deserve: the ability to torture society with their particular brand of art. Sadly, it happens all too often that bands' tours are derailed or canceled altogether as a result of the actions of opportunistic criminals. Bands' vans are broken into all the time on tour. And while it's likely artists will continue to be the targets of such a devastating crime, we've come up with a few helpful suggestions to prevent bands from being robbed on tour.

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Cause goes sports bar: 10 best comments

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BTW, this is NOT the signage that the Iron Door will be using for the old Cause space.

Yesterday, Cause Spirits & Soundbar's fate was revealed. In September, it'll be outfitted with more TVs and craft beers and fewer walls and local music vending machines as it becomes a sports bar called the Iron Door.

This news did not go by without stirring up some commentary from our readers. Over 180 folks left messages ranging in tone from "There goes the neighborhood," to "Shut up, hipsters," to "OMG I h8 sports bars." Here are our 10 favorite comments regarding Cause's sporty future.

See also:
Cause Spirits & Soundbar is becoming a sports bar

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The best Rap Shirts for White People

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
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Whole-Foods Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with!

What do you get when you mix Stuff White People Like sensibilities with hip-hop? The answer comes in the form of a hilarious new clothing line! Rap Shirts for White People puts a twist on famous lyrics while having fun at the expense of the world of whiteness. Can we all really picture Method Man's raspy voice declaring "Cats Rule Everything Around Me?" or Biggie saying, "It was all a dream, I used to read Highlights magazine?" (Although we'd say the Kelis spoof "My Self-Respect Brings All the Boys to the Yard," is a rap shirt for all women, not just whites).

Proceeds from satirical shirts started by Tim Blount go to related charities. They've caught the eye of The Source and HipHopDX. The Whole-Foods Clan shirts are already out of order! But the sampling below lists just a few that are still game.

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Six rules for sharing a practice space

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
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Flickr/eyeliam

Mixing business with pleasure is a dirty game, isn't it? While necessary, practice spaces exemplify the tension that comes with sharing a small area with a number of personal friends and acquaintances. It's like living in a tiny house with eight other unbalanced roommates. Between paying rent, keeping the space clean and organized, and having to occasionally text a friend and ask them if you can use a guitar strap, there are a multitude of dicey situations you can find yourself in.

To help alleviate some common headaches associated with sharing a space, we've compiled a short guide to help you navigate through some potentially tenuous and troublesome situations with your fellow musicians.

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Jeremy Messersmith gets his own donut

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
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Original photo by Nick Vlcek; Hot Messersmith courtesy of Instagram
The chefs at Glam Doll Donuts have concocted a new fried-dough confection dedicated to Jeremy Messersmith. Pictured above in a publicity shot that's completely not faked by us, it's called the "Hot Messersmith." (Not actual size.)

See also:
How to host a Jeremy Messersmith concert at your house

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Six reasons people want to have sex with musicians

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
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Publicity photo
Tom Petty's skin looks like a fondue pot was poured over a haunted-house prop. If not for music, he'd be a very lonely man.

Recently, Business Insider published the results of a study that purports to prove why women want to enter the bone zone with musicians. The article summarizes research from the University of Sussex, and there are a few glaring omissions that make it useless to the general population. Aside from basically stating that it's "some sort of biological thing," the article fails to take into account some of the obvious reasons why creative individuals and other attention vacuums are attractive as short-term sex partners.

The study also sucks because it leaves dudes completely out of the equation. Maybe its authors think it's a given that guys want to screw anyone who's marginally cool or interesting. (Or horrible and boring.)

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Six reasons I won't dance at your wedding

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
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All illustrations by Dave Watt

The wedding invitations are coming in fast now, and although we typically don't enjoy sitting in a church and staring at comb-overs, there are two things provided at weddings we can all agree on: food and alcohol. I can live like the lord of the event center, alternating between sips of coffee and bites of three or four varieties of cupcakes I have chosen. Things are as perfect as they can be for a greedy sinner like myself, until I am dethroned by one simple request:

I'm asked to get up and dance.

There are a lot of people like me out there -- the joy-killers, the social alienators, the beings that will occupy chairs for eternity. We are those who do not dance. As a favor to all the nervous loners who sit at desolate tables in the corner, I'm going to tell you precisely why you won't find people like me tearing up the dance floor with the "Electric Slide."

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Wedding

Prof and John Stamos just duked it out on Twitter

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Photos via Flickr/hyku; Flickr/sachab; CP/Erik Hess
You can't make this stuff up, can you? Minneapolis troublemaker rapper Prof and John Stamos recently had it out on Twitter, apparently. It seems they've had a love/hate relationship for a while now. Really, what other type of relationship can you have with Prof? (Remember his ribald Valentine's Day cards?)

Uncle Jesse from Full House took issue with the cesspool of come-ons and braggadoccio that is the @ProfGampo Twitter feed when the rapper reportedly called him a pedophile a few months back. The Rhymesayers signee told the Star Tribune that he was probably drunk and doesn't remember the tweet, but Thursday he was hit with a barrage from @JohnStamos.

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Craigslist: Arctic Monkeys fan offers Endless Love date night swap for tickets

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
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Publicity photo

It feels like the Arctic Monkeys' Friday show at First Avenue has been sold out forever. (Ever since the last time Minneapolis didn't feel like the Arctic, even.) Now as the sweaty, intimate night with Alex Turner's pompadoured presence on Valentine's Day approaches, some folks are getting worried about getting left out in the cold. And others are trying to make a killing.

With prices on Craigslist reported as high as $200 for a single ticket, one fan decided to get a little creative with an offer aimed at rom-com devotees.

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Tim Heidecker's "leaked" Super Bowl halftime show song anthology

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Tim Heidecker
Tim Heidecker's take on a Pepsi-sponsored Bob Dylan

Ten years ago, comedy innovators Tim Heidecker and Eric Weirheim first broke national with their adult swim show Tom Goes to the Mayor. Ever since, they've delighted us in several mediums and formats, but we have developed a special fondness for Tim Heidecker's "leaked" Super Bowl songs.

For the past four years, the eve of the Super Bowl has seen Heidecker (who successfully trolled the industry as the "new editor" of Rolling Stone a few years back) release the (alleged) "new song" that will be performed by that year's halftime act. As both a critique of commercialism and a celebration of the downright catchy, what better way to prepare for a weekend of pigskin tossing than looking back at Tim Heidecker's Super Bowl halftime classics.

See Also: Watch Bob Dylan, Prince, Bruno Mars, and a bear on Super Bowl Sunday

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