Sufjan Stevens's Lost Minnesota Album: A Tracklist

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
flickr/Matthew Stinar
This is not a Sufjan Stevens album cover.

The first Sufjan Stevens album in four years is on the way. Titled Carrie & Lowell after Stevens's parents, the March release is a return to Stevens's folk roots, but it has nothing to do with what was once considered the most ambitious album cycle in indie rock: the 50 States Project.

Following Michigan and Illinois-based albums, Stevens admitted the project was "such a joke" and scrapped the whole endeavor. But this hasn't kept the Gopher State from holding out hope that the visionary singer-songwriter would once again turn his pen to the Midwest.

While Stevens distances himself from that reality with each record, Gimme Noise has assembled a hail mary of a tracklist in hopes of resurrecting the project at least one more time. Here is how Sufjan Stevens Invites You, Lumberjacks!, to Minnesota* *Land of 10,000 Lakes! could play out.

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Super Punk Mattress from Genuine Punk House for Sale on eBay

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
Sorry, the "0" from the house's address has already been sold.

Look at this mattress. As you can plainly see, it is very punk. It is spray-painted and dirty, and it has a negative but in-your-face attitude. Do you want to buy it? Of course you do.

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Comment of the Day: Crabby Hipsters

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)

Who needs a hug after the emotionally charged comments that unfolded regarding the Hard Rock Cafe's new location in the Mall of America post?

Amid several violent, tumultuous exchanges -- probably what most HRC diners experience in their stomachs during the 20 minutes after they stand up -- reader Tyler Jorenby made a pointed observation that might be accurate about the City Pages staff...

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Six Ways to Avoid Getting Robbed on Tour

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
All illustrations by Dave Watt

Although musicians are infamous for walking out on bar tabs, trashing hotel rooms, and hijacking chuckwagon sandwiches from gas stations, there is one thing they deserve: the ability to torture society with their particular brand of art. Sadly, it happens all too often that bands' tours are derailed or canceled altogether as a result of the actions of opportunistic criminals. Bands' vans are broken into all the time on tour. And while it's likely artists will continue to be the targets of such a devastating crime, we've come up with a few helpful suggestions to prevent bands from being robbed on tour.

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Cause goes sports bar: 10 best comments

BTW, this is NOT the signage that the Iron Door will be using for the old Cause space.

Yesterday, Cause Spirits & Soundbar's fate was revealed. In September, it'll be outfitted with more TVs and craft beers and fewer walls and local music vending machines as it becomes a sports bar called the Iron Door.

This news did not go by without stirring up some commentary from our readers. Over 180 folks left messages ranging in tone from "There goes the neighborhood," to "Shut up, hipsters," to "OMG I h8 sports bars." Here are our 10 favorite comments regarding Cause's sporty future.

See also:
Cause Spirits & Soundbar is becoming a sports bar

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The best Rap Shirts for White People

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
Whole-Foods Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with!

What do you get when you mix Stuff White People Like sensibilities with hip-hop? The answer comes in the form of a hilarious new clothing line! Rap Shirts for White People puts a twist on famous lyrics while having fun at the expense of the world of whiteness. Can we all really picture Method Man's raspy voice declaring "Cats Rule Everything Around Me?" or Biggie saying, "It was all a dream, I used to read Highlights magazine?" (Although we'd say the Kelis spoof "My Self-Respect Brings All the Boys to the Yard," is a rap shirt for all women, not just whites).

Proceeds from satirical shirts started by Tim Blount go to related charities. They've caught the eye of The Source and HipHopDX. The Whole-Foods Clan shirts are already out of order! But the sampling below lists just a few that are still game.

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Six rules for sharing a practice space

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)

Mixing business with pleasure is a dirty game, isn't it? While necessary, practice spaces exemplify the tension that comes with sharing a small area with a number of personal friends and acquaintances. It's like living in a tiny house with eight other unbalanced roommates. Between paying rent, keeping the space clean and organized, and having to occasionally text a friend and ask them if you can use a guitar strap, there are a multitude of dicey situations you can find yourself in.

To help alleviate some common headaches associated with sharing a space, we've compiled a short guide to help you navigate through some potentially tenuous and troublesome situations with your fellow musicians.

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Jeremy Messersmith gets his own donut

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
Original photo by Nick Vlcek; Hot Messersmith courtesy of Instagram
The chefs at Glam Doll Donuts have concocted a new fried-dough confection dedicated to Jeremy Messersmith. Pictured above in a publicity shot that's completely not faked by us, it's called the "Hot Messersmith." (Not actual size.)

See also:
How to host a Jeremy Messersmith concert at your house

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Six reasons people want to have sex with musicians

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
Publicity photo
Tom Petty's skin looks like a fondue pot was poured over a haunted-house prop. If not for music, he'd be a very lonely man.

Recently, Business Insider published the results of a study that purports to prove why women want to enter the bone zone with musicians. The article summarizes research from the University of Sussex, and there are a few glaring omissions that make it useless to the general population. Aside from basically stating that it's "some sort of biological thing," the article fails to take into account some of the obvious reasons why creative individuals and other attention vacuums are attractive as short-term sex partners.

The study also sucks because it leaves dudes completely out of the equation. Maybe its authors think it's a given that guys want to screw anyone who's marginally cool or interesting. (Or horrible and boring.)

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Six reasons I won't dance at your wedding

Categories: Funny (Ha Ha)
All illustrations by Dave Watt

The wedding invitations are coming in fast now, and although we typically don't enjoy sitting in a church and staring at comb-overs, there are two things provided at weddings we can all agree on: food and alcohol. I can live like the lord of the event center, alternating between sips of coffee and bites of three or four varieties of cupcakes I have chosen. Things are as perfect as they can be for a greedy sinner like myself, until I am dethroned by one simple request:

I'm asked to get up and dance.

There are a lot of people like me out there -- the joy-killers, the social alienators, the beings that will occupy chairs for eternity. We are those who do not dance. As a favor to all the nervous loners who sit at desolate tables in the corner, I'm going to tell you precisely why you won't find people like me tearing up the dance floor with the "Electric Slide."

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