I chaperoned a middle-school Valentine's Day dance

Categories: Serrano Time
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Photo by Jose Kevo via Flickr

Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rap Coloring and Activity Book, and writes this weekly column about his life and times.

3:20 p.m.: Today I am chaperoning our school's Valentine's Day dance. A line of about 100 kids is already waiting to get into the cafeteria, which is where we hold all of our school's dances. In the movies there's always, like, a decorations committee or whatever worrying that everything's not going to be finished in time for the dance and will be ruined. That's not how it works in real life.

You know who the decorating committee is at a middle school in real life? Four janitors. Do you know how they decorate? They move all of the tables out of the way. Malibooyah. The dance is ready, and the kids go goddamn nuts for it. That's a little thing called being efficient.

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Some kid's roller skating rink birthday party: A music timeline

Categories: Serrano Time
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Flickr/Great Beyond and screengrab courtesy of Grammy.com
Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rap Coloring and Activity Book. In his column, he writes about his life and times.

Among many other things, my twin six-year-olds sons think I am Manu Ginobili when the Spurs play basketball on TV; the model for the Georges St-Pierre action figure, which we gave my wife for Christmas one year; Paco from Bloodsport; and the guy inside the blue Power Ranger costume. They think all of these things because I told them all of these things, because when you're a dad you can just lie about shit and your kids will believe you.

With tiny humans whose brains are nearly empty living in your house, you can be whomever you want. Did you know that I once got into a fistfight with Thor? Or that I taught the Pope how to pray? That I have the muscle density of a gorilla? Or did you know that I invented cars, and also lightning? Fact, fact, fact, fact and fact.

You know what the trade off is, though? Motherfucking birthday parties.

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Why Pitbull and Ke$ha's "Timber" video is the pits

Categories: Serrano Time

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Shea
Editor's Note: Shea Serrano is an award-winning music writer and goofball whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book. In his new column, he writes about his life and times.

Right now, Pitbull's "Timber," featuring Ke$ha, is number two on Billboard and number one on my GTFOH chart. I don't remember the first time I heard -- it seems like I've heard it every day since I was 12-years-old -- but I do remember when I decided I hated it (the first time I heard it).

Perhaps I was being too dismissive, given that the video has more than 50,000,000 views, though I have to assume many were watched sarcastically and with hatred in the watcher's heart. Nonetheless, I decided to watch it, hoping that it would change how I felt about the song, or at least make it less likely that when it came on the radio I'd drive my car off a cliff.

Alas, that did not happen:

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A letter to 2013 and some thoughts for 2014

Categories: Serrano Time
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Shea

Note: in his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.

Dear 2013,

Oh, man. So you're officially over. That's kind of sad. You were mostly a very dope year -- at least for me, anyway, and truth be told, that's all I really care about because I am selfish and I guess I'm sorry about that. I'll try to be more empathetic in 2014. (The 2014 Empathy Campaign will be largely unsuccessful, of this I am sure.)

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Take the ultimate Kanye West illustrated quiz

Categories: Serrano Time
All illustrations by me. I'm Shea.
[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

This game is very simple: Look at the pictures and guess what Kanye West song each one represents. Boom. That's it. That's all. You're done. That's a little thing called respecting your time. That's a little thing called sometimes Christopher Nolan works a little too hard. I'm saying, because I watched Inception on TNT the other day and I had no idea what was going on. I spent the whole movie making the same face that you make when you can't remember your email password.

Click the link underneath each picture to get the answer to this, the ultimate Kanye West quiz.


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One Direction's "Story of My Life": Why this song sucks

Categories: Serrano Time
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Courtesy of Columbia/Syco
Zayn and the crew
[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

Song: One Direction's "Story Of My Life"

History: A long time ago there were barber shop quartets and then after that the New Kids On The Block, and more recently five U.K. dudes were like, "We're One Direction" and they were a hit.

Atmospherics: Like the boys are suddenly really into Mumford & Sons. Or like they're starting their own nondenominational church.

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Katy Perry's "Roar": Why this song sucks

Categories: Serrano Time
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katyperry.com

[Editor's Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning writer and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]

History: Katy Perry was born in 1984, except back then people called her "Katy Hudson" because that's her real name. In 2001, she was like, "You know what? I'm gonna release a Christian album," so that's what she did. It flopped.

Then she was like, "You know what? God can't take me to the top, bro, but I know what can," and so she changed her name to Katy Perry and swapped out our Lord and Savior for a bra that squirts out whipped cream. She's since sold approximately 10 million albums. "Roar" comes from her new album, Prism. It's not that great, but since she's not talking about Jesus Christ it was able to top the charts. Pretty cool world. Here's why it sucks:

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A brief rundown of the bonkers TLC movie

Categories: Serrano Time
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TLC/Courtesy of VH1

[Editor's Note: In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times. Better put on your shoes because your socks are about to be blown off.]

On Monday night I watched the movie about TLC, the most important all-girl rap group of all-time. It came on VH1. I was excited.

TLC was all over radios when I was growing up. They helped, in part, to shape my existence. Surely the most player thing I ever did was sing "Red Light Special" to a girl while sitting at my family's kitchen table on the house phone hoping no one else in the family would hear me. That's a little thing called being in love.

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movie, TLC
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