Drop the baby and maybe I'll vote for you

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Drop the baby and maybe I'll vote for you

Filed under: Media

I love babies. There, I said it.

But I don't give one shit-soaked diaper whether or not a presidential candidate looks comfortable - caring even - with a limp and brand new miracle-of-life in her or his arms.

Apparently, I am alone. There are a host of photo galleries posted to the webernet that attempt (sometimes, I admit, with humorous results) to gauge the worth of a candidate by their ability to appear gracious and and at ease whenever somebody shoves some crying kid into their arms in the midst of the most exhausting, excruciating time of their political lives.

All the same, there has to be a winner.

I've studied Darren Garnick's Slate photo project he calls "The Baby Primary" where he put his 5-month-old daughter Dahlia into the arms of as many presidential candidates as possible (and Chuck Norris) at the height of the New Hampshire primary frenzy.

It's a tie. But that's boring. So I'm gonna sort of invent a winner:

HILLARY NORRIS

Here's why: Hillary has the hold down, man. She's got the neck and butt just right (and though Garnick admits later to passing a damp baby her way, Hillary says nothing). With that hold, you get the sense that some worthless asshole with an "Iron my Shirt!" sign could check her from behind and little Dahlia would be fine.

The Norris win is just as easy: When he takes Dahlia, he's got a smile wide as Huckabee's study bible.

A good hold and a good smile. That's a candidate I might be able to get behind.

Shit, I've been tricked.

Look, before I had a kid of my own, I held babies like I was the worst president ever. And this baby thing - a joke to some, I know - is too much of the personality obsession Americans seem to have at race time. You show me somebody who can get the job done and I don't care if they drool and crap their pants like the babies they can't hold, I'll back 'em.