Goats for Obama and other political animals
While my friend and New Hampshire denizen Jonah Keri was researching his new college basketball column for Deadspin, he and his wife happened upon an interesting photo opportunity. Turns out, there's an election going on, and it's got nothing to do with Duke or North Carolina.
The column shows off the following awesome photo by his brilliant bride: Binx the Goat endorses Obama! I already trust Binx more than the equally cute Punxsutawney Phil.
Hunter Thompson famously compared Nixon to a badger. If today's top Republican candidates were to be endorsed by a group of animals, here's how I think it would break down (in alphabetical order).
Rudy Giuliani: Hyenas.
The hyenas are opportunistic feeders, and so they appreciate Rudy's invocation of 9/11 at every turn -- he's a kindred spirit, feeding off the dead and all. Plus, the historian Clement of Alexandria noted that the hyena was "quite obsessed with sexual intercourse." It's almost too perfect given the thrice-married Giuliani's forcing NYC taxpayers to foot the bill for his affair. Finally, there's the laughing. "Their haunting laughter-like calls inspired the idea in local cultures that they could imitate human voices." Look at Rudy in this video! He's so lifelike it's uncanny.
Mike Huckabee: Bears.
What's unpredictable, carnivorous, and undergoes massive swings in body weight? A kindred spirit with the noble bear, Mike Huckabee can look graceful (as when delivering pre-scripted homilies) or vicious (as when threatening to quarantine AIDS patients). And no, when we say he's a bear, we don't mean "hairy gay dude" type of bear. But we're not ruling it out, either. How wide is that stance, Mike?
John McCain: Galapagos tortoise.
The venerable creatures see themselves in McCain. He's venerable, slow-moving and capable of some serious crankiness when provoked. Due to his anointment by both mainstream media sources and various Republican constituencies, McCain is nigh indestructible. The tortoise is dignified in appearance and carriage, but ultimately ineffectual, plodding through multiple eras.
Barking moonbat Hypnotized Great White Shark
The barking moonbat is a metaphorical, not real, animal, or else it would get the nod here. No, Paul's constituency includes menacing elements (he's the chosen candidate of the white supremacist Storm Front organization), so the choice of the toothsome beast seems appropriate. Hypnosis has to be involved, too, if so many ostensible progressives are willing to vote contrary to their interests in supporting a conspiracy-touting right wing nutjob. The Great White is also the lone surviving member of its genus, which makes it a relic, a holdover from a bygone age. Kind of like, say, the John Birch Society.
The weasels appreciate how the once pro-choice, once pro-stem cell research Mitt Romney has turned into Pat Robertson's near equal in brimstone rhetoric. "As is typical of small carnivores," writes Wikipedia, "weasels have a reputation for cleverness and guile." Romney seems to have hoarded a lot of "food" into his weaselly burrow, too.