CGI Ron Paul can survive a flood and keep talking

Categories: Ron Paul

Just when you thought it was safe, Pennsylvania. Just when you thought we had narrowed the field to three major-party candidates. Ron Paul is back! With a vengeance.

Well, not "Ron Paul," exactly. The Paulbots that stalk the Internet seeking heretic blood have created a golem in the man's image, a cybernetic libertarian warrior, a bizarre animatronic orator. A Paulbot that is almost literal.

Don't take my word for it. Watch this "High Tide" promo, which features a computer generated animation of Paul speaking while hilarity ensues all around him.

Watch it twice. I'm serious. Otherwise, you'll miss the details, like submersible doves swim-flying around the submerged candidate as flood waters abate. Or Ron's avatar traveling through time to meet and blow off the framers of the Constitution. An unseen cheering throng comes into full throat as money flies around Paul.

This is one weird video. There is no getting around it.

Weirdest of all, the real Ron Paul has moved on from the presidential race, choosing to focus on keeping his congressional seat. In his place, we have this technological vision of his backers.

The question is: is this a good trade? As the comments in this thread make clear, I think Ron Paul is a bigot who has shamefully made a political career out of pandering to the worst elements of society. Might we be better off with a mere simalcrum?

Let's consider the points in favor of each candidate: the real Ron Paul and the CGI version.

REAL RON PAUL
ron_paul_photo_4.jpg
"I swear I didn't know about all the racist stuff my campaign did for 40 years."

FIVE POINTS IN REAL RON PAUL'S FAVOR
* Doesn't want to bomb Iran, wants to pull out of Iraq
* Wants online poker to be legal
* Wears an oddly confused expression even when expressing rage, which takes the edge off and makes him appear marginally sane
* Keeps fighting on against unimaginable odds, which makes him kind of like a vampire Don Quixote -- probably utterly impossible to kill
* Has less empty, soulless eyes than CGI Ron Paul


CGI RON PAUL
Picture%201.png
"I'll swallow your soul."

FIVE POINTS IN CGI RON PAUL'S FAVOR
* Can survive a flood and keep talking while water should be filling his mouth
* Meets the Founding Fathers, but more or less ignores them, showing he's his own man (er, animated character)
* Can avoid temptation to "make it rain" while a money whirlwind surrounds him (shows independence)
* Took no money from white supremacist groups, does not have Klan members organizing for him, did not oppose the Civil Rights Movement
* Is not real

The last item is the most desirable trait of them all, one I wish the real Ron Paul shared. One day, this dream of a Ron Paul-free world will be realized. But until then, CGI Ron Paul has my vote.


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