Liveblogging RNC day 3: The pitbull with lipstick is ready for her close-up
By Ben Westhoff, Photos by Nick Vlcek
As I prepare to live blog tonight, the Republican convention is electrified in anticipation of Sarah Palin’s speech. What will she say? Will she talk about the thrills of making love on a snowmobile? Will she call for greater oversight at Alaskan condom factories? At the end of her speech, will she release the nets filled with balloons in the rafters with her AK-47? Who knows? But first, other people will have to talk.
8:27 pm The formerly obese governor of a small backwards state takes the stage. His best friend, a former fictional Texas ranger, lurks in the shadows, mumbling about the time he sued Burger King because they wouldn’t serve him a Whopper wrapped in barbed wire, which was “his way.”
8:41 Hawaii governor Linda Lingle takes the stage. She says “aloha” but never manages to say “Maui Wowie.”
8:55 Lingle talks about how the state of Alaska is a lot bigger than the state of Delaware. Fifteen heads in the audience explode.
9:01 Rudy Guliani goes on. He mocks Obama for working as a community organizer, adding: “He is the least experienced candidate running for president in at least the last 100 years.” Apparently his speechwriter is not familiar with the fact-checking powers of Google.
9:12 “No one can look at John McCain and say he’s not ready to be commander in chief,” Guliani says. He adds: “And no one can look at Bristol Palin without getting a funny feeling downstairs.”
9:17 Trying his hardest not to say, “9/11,” Guiliani uses phrases like “attacks of 2001,” “terrorist activities” and “all that crazy stuff that happened about six years and three hundred and fifty seven days ago.”
9:21 The crowd is psyched, but not super psyched. In desperation, Guliani considers stealing Palin’s thunder by talking about his favorite mooseburger recipes.
9:22 The backdrop behind Guliani, which previously showed an American flag and a glacier, shows the Mississippi River. Plans to show an oversized rat gnawing on a piece of New York City pizza were apparently scrapped.
9:27 “We’re the party that believes in giving workers the right to work,” he says, neglecting to mention Stalin and Pol Pot’s parties’ equal success in this regard.
9:29 Sarah Palin comes to the stage, looking saucy in glasses, glittery earrings, and a black skirt. Man I wish she had been my librarian when I was twelve.
9:31 She accepts the fucking nomination! This changes everything!
9:32 She calls him “John S. McCain.” The ‘S’ stands for “Skin cancer free.”
9:33 She uses the word “caliber” without referring to turkey hunting.
9:36 She gives a shout-out to her kids Bristol, Willow and Piper, Track, and baby Tryg. She talks about how nice it will be for her forthcoming grandchild to be potty-trained alongside its uncle.
9:40 Palin introduces her parents, who look barely older than she is. She then introduces her parents’ grandparents and her grandparents’ grandparents, the latter of whom are 82-year-old salmon fisherman.
9:42 “You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick,” Palin says, before applying a fresh coat of Max Factor shade 320 and lifting her leg to pee on the side of the stage.
9:46 “Here’s a little newsflash to the [media],” she goes on. “I’m not going to Washington to seek their good opinion. I’m going to Washington to serve the people of this great country.” I take this as a personal affront and cancel my Amazon.com Goodnight Moon order for her grandfetus.
9:50 Talks about taking on the oil lobby in Alaska, including her sponsoring of legislation that would have required oil tycoons to personally give lube jobs to every citizen of Anchorage.
9:53 Almost a half hour into her speech, Palin has yet to use the words “unplanned pregnancy” or “shotgun wedding,” although she does wink while uttering the phrase, “lay more pipelines.”
9:57 Speaks eloquently about manufacturing more energy, but is suspiciously silent on the issue of manufacturing more energy bars.
9:59 “Accidentally” walks above a grate on the stage, which blows up her skirt while she smiles coquettishly.
10:06 While talking about McCain’s Vietnamese incarceration she tears up. Then, while discussing the cancellation of that show based on those Geico caveman commercials, she starts bawling.
10:08 Palin signs off, but not before imploring the crowd to vote for “Nader/Gonzales. Oops! I mean McCain/Palin,” she corrects herself.
10:09 Her family comes on stage, whereupon Palin castigates her husband for forgetting to shave.
10:10 John McCain makes his “surprise” entrance. Rush Limbaugh suddenly remembers he has to poop.
10:11 McCain runs through a long list of his favorite Monty Python gags (complete with songs and funny accents) before being told that Michael Palin isn’t actually on the ticket.