August 2003

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"music" television

Filed under: Imported

The question I have is, would Mama Cass and Janis Joplin have gotten recording contracts, let alone been as popular as they were then, now? It's really amazing. I mean, you're sitting around a bar at 2am in the dead of some January night and someone says, "what people really want in music these days is for Brittney, Madonna, and Christina to come out on stage AND make out while they're singing, preferrably naked," but then when it actually happens, well...

What will be interesting is to see what the marketing people come up with to top this.

Oh yeah, the three sang some songs during this too...

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 29, 2003 4:22 PM

 

Cyprinus carpio

Filed under: Imported

From ESPN.com:

Carp have a reputation that puts them down to the lowest levels an angler can regard a fish. That is too bad, because during the summer months when warm waters have all the angling in a fishless frenzy, these fish can be the saviors of the day.

And, from the Star Tribune:

Two species of nonnative carp have been jumping into boats, injuring occupants and damaging the watercraft.

"The sound of a propeller under water makes these fish go crazy," Todd said. "The fish don't jump if you're sitting there without the motor on, but the higher the RPMs, the greater the noise, the higher these fish jump."

When normally sane sportfisherman are recommending throwing in the towel, and flying carp are actually injuring the banjo picking residents of Missouri, you have to scratch your head, chin, or ass, and ask if there isn't something greater going on in the world and you just haven't caught up to it yet. If you were as familiar with Missouri river fishermen as I, you would know that the tales of injury and mayhem caused by these fish will only freshen the blood of many hearty souls down there; soon there will be a "technique" to catching these fish that will involve some kind of homemade machine (which will look suspiciously like a converted lawnmower) and a small leaky boat with a child's badminton net stretched from "bow to stern."

The first story contains a reference to a World Carp Fishing Championship held in Romania. For some reason, this thought crossed my mind last night at Grumpy's Nordeast at about 1 (one) AM. The handful of us bellied up to Tim's pulpit then launched into a discussion of what makes the best carp bait. In my own experience, you typically don't catch carp unless you're fishing for something else up here, but, they seem to like crawlers the best. As far as "Tales of Carp Madness," my own childhood only contains one distinct incident.

My Grandparents owned a cabin on the Katy Lake outside of Moran, Kansas. My brother Gus and I would go down below the spillway and fish for crappie and channel cats. We had a buddy named Chuck who lived in a cabin nearby, and he would go with us. Gus and Chuck were close in age, and they were always involved in some "project" down at the lake. One afternoon, when we were down below the dam, they got a huge carp about 6 feet from the shore and it spit the hook out and winked at them. Needless to say, they were pissed, so they tried all afternoon to get "him" back on the line. When we returned to the cabin that night, we were sitting outside, telling all the old men about the one that got away. They were blowing raspberries and calling us lying little bastards. I guess Grandpa got a little angry at this, so he went inside. When we joined him later, he stopped us in the kitchen and told us to sit at the table. He got out a box of Wheaties, a rolling pin, a used plastic butter dish, and tore off a sheet of wax paper.

He had Gus roll the Wheaties into almost powder in between the folded wax paper. Then he poured it into the butter dish and mixed it with a little water until it was a nice dough bait. "Put that in the fridgerator Boo," he told Gus. The next day, Gus and Chuck tossed two treble hooks (legal in Kansas) full of the stuff out into the water among the turtles, snakes, channel cat and whatnot. After about a half hour wait, Gus's line took off like a rifle shot. They reeled in a ten pound carp, the biggest damn thing I had ever seen in my young life. We brought it back up to the cabin and Grandpa began to shout in his big booming voice, so that all the surrounding cabins could hear, "Well, you lying little bastards, let's cleaned this big goddamned carp over on the picnic table...That's the biggest goddamned carp I've ever seen...To think that MY little lying bastard grandsons caught this big goddamned carp!!!" A crowd gathered and Grandpa crowed incessantly while cleaning it. To that point, I didn't even know people cleaned carp. When he was done, he said, "Let's take this in now boys and let Graggoo cook it for us." When we got inside, he took it from us and threw it in the trash. He winked at Gus and said, "My grandson ain't no goddamned liar."

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 28, 2003 4:40 PM

 

The list that has a life of its own...

Filed under: Imported

Jack's Chisago County Dogfight Top Twenty:

McClellan told authorities that neither of the dogs fighting was his but that he had allowed people to bring dogs on his property to fight, according to the complaint.

About 50 people attended the dogfight, some as young as 13 years old, Chisago County Attorney Katherine Johnson said Tuesday. She said investigators are still trying to determine whether other organized dogfights have been held at McClellan's.

1. Decoration Day, Drive By Truckers
2. Rainy Day Music, The Jayhawks
3. Cow Fish Fowl or Pig, The Gourds
4. Guitar Pickin' Martyrs, Luther Wright & The Wrongs
5. Terroir Blues, Jay Farrar
6. Wave on Wave, Pat Green
7. Live, Alison Krauss & Union Station
8. Balin, Fred Eaglesmith & the Flathead Noodlers
9. Swing Time, Wayne "The Train" Hancock
10. American IV: The Man Comes Around, Johnny Cash
11. Blacklisted, Neko Case
12. One Step Ahead, Rhonda Vincent
13. ring, Big Ditch Road
14. ...the size of planets, Haley Bonar
15. Freedom's Child, Billy Joe Shaver
16. The Lawless, Kevin Deal
17. Under the Table & Above the Sun, Reckless Kelly
18. Streets of Sin, Joe Ely
19. Railings, Frog Holler
20. Bona Fide, The Gibson Brothers
20(a). Temporarily Disconnected, BR549

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 27, 2003 3:48 PM

 

BR549...a hillbilly institution...

Filed under: Imported

I finally dragged down and beat to death somebody in BR549's inner circle long enough to secure a copy of their latest work, a 5 (five) song EP called Temporarily Disconnected. The group has gone through some major changes in the last year or so, and the EP is designed to give everyone a taste of the current incarnation. Gone are Gary Bennett and Smilin Jay, and in are Geoff Firebaugh on bass and Chris Scruggs on vocals and guitars.

Much like their very first record, Live at Robert's, this disc is only a snapshot of what's probably going on on the road, where BR549 is best. A lot of us who are diehard fans of the group feel that the absolutely fantastic energy, showmanship, and musical abilities of the group have never really been captured well in the studio. This disc actually offers up 3 (three) new studio tunes and 2 (two) live recordings from the Star Bar in Atlanta, GA, a famous haunt for the chromosomally challenged. The three studio songs are straight ahead neo-traditional ditties that anyone with a pulse can tap their feet and dance to and enjoy. But, like Live at Robert's, the diamonds on this disc are the live recordings...

Song 3, "Onie's Bop"
As Chuck Mead of the group explains in a short intro, Onie Wheeler was a performer who has the singular distinction of being the only singer ever to drop dead on the stage of the Grand Ol' Opry. The band then launches into a tight and hopping version of Onie's bop, Mead's walkin'-the-dog style on his Gretsch guitar leading the whole mess.

Song 4, "Charming Betsy"

Rich girl uses vaseline
Poor girl uses lard
My gal uses axle grease
'Cause she takes it twice as hard

The other thing the boys have always done is grab, learn, play, and sometimes record the real nuggets of old country. Here, they snapped up the old Lulubelle and Scotty (From WLS in Chicago's old Barn Dance show) tune, "Charming Betsy." Needless to say, it's all centered around "my gal Betsy," who is neither rich nor poor, but I lover 'er just the same. The final chorus elicits a roar from the typically loud Star Bar crowd, as well it should.

BR549 performs with The Reverend Horton Heat and The Blasters at First Avenue in the Mainroom on Wednesday, September 17th.

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 26, 2003 2:20 PM

 

Not even if she had a chance, to win...

Filed under: Imported

From Tuesday's Minneapolis StarTribune:

At least 35 people were issued misdemeanor citations for being spectators at a dogfight. Sampson would not speculate on whether they paid to enter or were betting on the dogs, but he said many spectators were carrying large amounts of cash. Many of those arrested came from Minneapolis or Brooklyn Park, and neighbors "had no idea what was going on," Sampson said.

Dogfighters seem to fall into three categories, Pacelle said: professional trainers who compete nationally; those who study the bloodlines and characteristics and compete only sparingly in word-of-mouth regional contests; and street fighters in random urban battles most commonly associated with drug dealers or gangs.

The newest Other Side of Country liner quote:

Wilder than a Chisago County dogfight...the OTHER Side of Country, Sundays from 1 to 3pm on AM 1220, the Mighty 1220, WMGT...

When I was a little kid, my Uncle Joe, the Tiger Woods of American cockfighting, owned a pit bull named Jim Beam. Jim Beam regularly tried to chew through everything that was erected, detected, and inspected to restrain him. One time while we were visiting Uncle Joe, ol' Jim got out of the backyard, ran down the street, and locked up with another dog he'd been wanting to get his teeth into for weeks. It took 3 (three) grown men with 3 (three) broom and/or mop handles to get ol' Jim off the poor thing. I don't know what kind of fighter he was, but neighbor dogs didn't have a chance if he got out.

What I want to know is, since most of Saturday's "participants" were city boys, was this a word-of-mouth, regional contest, or a random urban battle? And, did any of the fights count for points toward dog of the year honors?

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 26, 2003 8:17 AM

 

Quick Post, Swift Justice

Filed under: Imported

Last week's Stillwater Courier News reports that a resident of Sunnyside in Oak Park Heights had 28 "irreplaceable" Jim Reeves LP's stolen that were in a metal box in her garage. I'm just guessing, not having hound dogged this story to the source, but they're probably in good to excellent condition. If some shady lookin' pipe-smokin' character comes knocking at your place of bidness looking to unload his dear Aunt Edna's 28 Jim Reeves records, you should call the cops. I'm not the biggest Jim Reeves fan in the world, but if someone likes music enough to collect a certain artist's work and keep it locked up and in good condition, it shouldn't become part of the local crystal meth economy. This has been your weekly Police Report from The Other Side of Country.

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 25, 2003 12:35 PM

 

ghosts of 1985...

Filed under: Imported

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 23, 2003 8:54 PM

 

Just Lovely...

Filed under: Imported

Eleni Mandell delicately finger picked her way right into my heart last night at the 7th Street Entry. The mostly female crowd and I were hypnotized by Miss Mandell's strange voice, which seems full yet breathless. Not being completely familiar with her work, I really went there for one song, "It's Raining," from her latest disk, Country For True Lovers. It really is a perfect example to me of how it used to feel to sit on the screened in porch at my Grandparents' cabin in Moran, Kansas, during a summer rain. There was a really big crowd for an Entry show, and I didn't want to goober up to the front and shout my request out in some kind of prehistoric hillbilly squeal, so I just hung back and hoped. It was worth the wait. She really likes to rock, a la gassed up acoustic style, but an album or EP's worth of lullabys by Mandell would be worth every penny. I smiled a soft smile at all the people swaying back and forth to her singing, and then chuckled as I looked down to notice I got roped into it, too, somehow. And that's the thing, Eleni Mandell ropes you in.

Jack K. Sparks has a doofus hipster sausage party radio show, every Sunday from 1 to 3pm, on the Mighty 1220, WMGT. He feels threatened by beautiful and talented women.

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 22, 2003 11:21 AM

 

Don't read this blog

Filed under: Imported

Jack's Doofus Hipster Sausage Party Top Twenty

1. Decoration Day, Drive By Truckers
2. Rainy Day Music, The Jayhawks
3. Cow Fish Fowl or Pig, The Gourds
4. Terroir Blues, Jay Farrar
5. Guitar Pickin' Martyrs, Luther Wright & The Wrongs
6. Wave on Wave, Pat Green
7. Live, Alison Krauss & Union Station
8. Balin, Fred Eaglesmith & the Flathead Noodlers
9. Swing Time, Wayne "The Train" Hancock
10. American IV: The Man Comes Around, Johnny Cash
11. Blacklisted, Neko Case
12. One Step Ahead, Rhonda Vincent
13. ring, Big Ditch Road
14. ...the size of planets, Haley Bonar
15. Freedom's Child, Billy Joe Shaver
16. Bona Fide, The Gibson Brothers
17. The Lawless, Kevin Deal
18. Under the Table & Above the Sun, Reckless Kelly
19. Streets of Sin, Joe Ely
20. Railings, Frog Holler

As always, you can hear me self importantly play songs from these albums on my doofus hipster sausage party radio show, Sunday at 1pm. We'll examine hard-hitting questions like, is the term "sausage party" obscene and vulgar? And, wasn't Brothers of Liberty a bookstore and "lifestyle" shop in Uptown? Join us, won't you?

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 20, 2003 3:29 PM

 

Honest Jack's Mailbag...

Filed under: Imported

Let's open a little reader mail, shall we?

Jack,

Don't forget, tonight is Shania's one hour live concert at 7pm on NBC. I may describe it tomorrow as Saving My Life.

I know you are intimidated by beautiful, talented women, and would rather hang out at a sausage party with hipster doofuses at places like the 400 (do any women ever even go to places like that?) where the air is thick with self-regard and musical correctness, but give Shania a chance.

No roots rock weirdos. No self-important wankers who are in bands with no following and no gigs and who put out the most amateurish demos I've ever heard (I've referring specifically to Big Dirt Road there--somebody needs to tell them that every song can't start with a strummed acoustic!).

Btw, the Drive By Truckers are a ROCK band. There's nothing country about them (someone who actually likes country music would know that). I think they are a great band and saw them on the Southern Rock Opera tour a few years ago--great show. BUT, how does that relate to Nashville sucking?

I'd really like to get beyond this whole Nashville sucks, but alt country is brilliant thing. It's just garbage.

--Jay Doughty

Jay Doughty writes as JBDoubtless on a blogsite called Fraters Libertas (which may or may not be a "sausage party," we're still checking). You can send him an email to react to his email if you wish. I'm just doing my part to present the "other side" of things. Honest Jack K., that's what they call me...

---

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 19, 2003 12:51 PM

 

Gonna get sued for sure...

Filed under: Imported

Here's the latest news from Lake Wobestay, where the women have Class A licenses, and the men fish with their hands:

The town is just getting back to normal after last weekend's near-catastrophic blackout. City Councilwoman, and wife of Mayor, Volunteer Fire Chief, and mailman Buzz Teuton, Belle Teuton, has been named by the council as lead investigator into the cause of the power loss. While several accusations, insinuations, and recriminations flew early and often, officials in town and from the Energy Company are still unsure as to the root of the problem. Several folks gathered at the barber shop on Sunday to listen to the ballgame on barber Henry Jensen's hand crank radio. After preliminary deliberations, suspicions fell on the distinct smell of 10 or 20 barbecued cats, and the close proximity of the widow Beatrice "Cat Lady" Gordon's place to the power grid substation. "Luckily it didn't happen at the end of deer season," said Jensen. "All that sausage and jerky, gone to waste."

Officials of the Single A Wobestay Warthogs of the Northern Independent League were dismayed to find that the City Council voted against them using the multi-purpose stadium at the High School during the final weeks of their season in September. Several games conflict with the Wobestay War Eagles Friday night football schedule, and, seeing as how the War Eagle baseball team beat the Warthogs 3 out of 5 in "exhibition matches" in late May, no one saw much point to giving them priority. The Warthogs will have to move their games to Mud Falls, whose team being 0-9 last year, were only too happy to accomodate "professional" baseball. The Mighty 1220's Jack K. Sparks stated there would be no conflict on radio coverage for the two hometown teams. "Go War Eagles," he said.

The brother of the late Gambino crime boss John Gotti was indicted Monday on federal charges of conspiring to murder mob turncoat "Sammy the Bull" Gravano. Local Italian, Sven Ardito didn't have any comment on the situation, having never been more than 100 miles in any direction outside Wobestay since his birth in 1968, but he was happy to see a bad man getting what he probably deserved.

Oldest Baither Boy, Buck Baither, was 5 signatures short of the required 50 he needed to formally pose a recall of Mayor, Volunteer Fire Chief, and mailman, Buzz Teuton, at 4pm Friday sitting at local watering hole, Icey Pints. Even after doing a lap around Pints and getting the Happy Hour signatures of some "strangers, who may or may not have lived within the town limits," Baither was still only at 45 by the deadine. By 4:15pm, his clipboard, which he got at the Super Target on sale, had been nailed up next to the dart machines to be used as a waiting list for that night's tournament. By 5pm, Baither himself was seen at the "early seating" for chicken fried steak night at Laverne's Diner.

Tonight on local cable access Channel 42, former Double Deuce Bar "dancer" and local girl made good, Lania Twixt will be performing songs from her latest "self-released" CD "High!" at 7pm. "Being the only record I've ever made, it's also the most ambitious one," said Twixt. Husband and producer, "Strange" Mutter Roberts-Johnson, wrote most of the tunes on the disk, and hasn't let Lania walk around downtown too much since he made her stop dancing at the Double Deuce. "Seen 'em? They could draw her tits from memory," said Roberts-Johnson (copyright David Mamet).

Finally, Sheriff Ulf Hiller is asking the public's help in apprehending the serial street lamp breaker that has been plaguing town. As the perpetrator generally strikes at night, there are few details and even fewer eyewitnesses to the carnage. Several smooth stones from the River have been recovered at the scenes of the crimes and placed in plastic bags with rubber gloves borrowed from Doc Wilson, but the lab has yet to find conclusive evidence to point to a definite suspect. Once again, locals gathered at Jensen's barber shop remarked on the strange coincidence of the lamp-breakings and Henry Dutcher's recent 13th birthday, at which he received a brand new slingshot.

And that's the news from Lake Wobestay, where the women crochet pot holders, and the men hold their pot near their crotches...

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 19, 2003 12:06 AM

 

New music for the obscene and vulgar...

Filed under: Imported

...it's not easy
bangin your head against
some mad bugger's wall...

When we last left our heroes, they were finishing up tearing down the wall and wearing out four steel belteds, criss-crossing this great continent of ours. For those of you with your finger up your butt and your mind in Arkansas, Luther Wright & The Wrongs are the well-oiled machine that completely re-recorded Pink Floyd's "The Wall" as a Country album. It was a brilliantly executed piece of music, and remains one of my favorite late-night, after-bar listens. Chainsaws, farm animals, some "reinterpreted dialogue," (a trailer park Tammy in semi-inbred drawl, "You oughta take a bath...") all reinforced the effort and showed just how flexible and ingenious "The Wall" is as a piece of music.

So where do we go from there?

Well we've got all these guitars and all these guitar pickers
a table and four chairs and a bottle of hard liquor
a bag of p.o.t. will get this party started
play a song with me one of the brokenhearted
I think it starts in three but it don't make no difference
It happens randomly about as much as I might make sense
smoking p.o.t. can damn well be cathartic it helps to bring
relief from the pain of the broken hearted guitar pickin' martyrs

LW & The Wrongs have served up what I think is another concept album about the duality of a broken heart. The first half of the album is kind of an angry young man lashing out at the girl who done him wrong, a handful of upbeat bravado, accusation, and parody; and the second half is the same young man, more mature, realizing it takes two to tango, that he probably isn't innocent in the broken heart process, and that he's kind of bringing some of the pain on himself.

Or, as always, I could be completely full of #$%&. As Luther himself says in the first song, "Wish Me Well:"

..my rants have become rambles
My whole world's in shambles

At any rate, they haven't missed a beat from "Rebuild the Wall" to "Guitar Pickin' Martyrs," so go lay an Andrew Jackson on your favorite retailer and walk away with some new hillbilly madness.

The Wrongs will be at The Cedar Cultural Centre on September 7th, with The Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash. If you go, it will be like you're stealing money from the Cedar as both these bands are worth every penny in your pocket book to see live.

---

P.S.--This album contains obscenities and vulgarities, so, if you just came ashore from the Mayflower, are a son of Ward and June Cleaver, or sincerely believe that cussing automatically makes you a liberal (for those of you scoring at home: cussing = liberal), you probably don't want to buy this record. (Further, for all of you that are REALLY keeping score, I think the two party system in this country is broken. Republicans and Democrats can equally get #$%& in my book. You're both running this country into the ground, and honest, hard-working people like me, who pay our taxes, and like to get a little crazy in a small club, listening to wild eyed hillbillies choke their guitars, are sick and tired of you doing us from both ends. No matter who wins the lottery to run against Bush in 2004, the American people will be the losers after the election, because none of you give one goddamn about us anymore (gasp! another obscenity!). So get your little editorial pundit robots to help you get elected, then pick an end, because I'm too tired to fight it anymore...p.s.s.--I've voted in every election since I was 18 (eighteen) years old, so yes, I've been #$%&ing myself for 17 years...)

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 18, 2003 3:02 PM

 

Hooks and Bait are for the rich...

Filed under: Imported

From ESPN/Bassmasters' Website:

BELLE CHASSE, La. � A man accused of shooting at the second-place finisher at the CITGO Bassmaster Classic tournament was arrested on Thursday, authorities said.
Dale J. Silbergnagel, 45, of Venice, La., was accused of shooting at Gary Klein on Aug. 3.
Klein told authorities on the final afternoon of the three-day tourney that a shirtless man fired what looked like a shotgun at his boat as he passed about 60 or 70 yards from a dock near the Camp Canal in Venice.
Silbergnagel was charged with two counts of aggravated assault and illegal discharge of a firearm, said Maj. John Marie, a spokesman for the Plaquemines Parish Sheriff's Office.
Silbergnagel was arrested at a downtown motel. Silbergnagel was taking classes to get a captain's license, Marie said.
"It's an isolated incident," Klein, 45, of Weatherford, Texas, told reporters on the day of the shooting. "It's the first time in my career that I've ever had that happen, and I have never heard of anyone else ever having that happen."
Plaquemines officials have speculated that Silbergnagel shot over Klein's boat after the pro angler opened up the engine on his boat and sped off down the canal.

---

It's inevitable in a sport where militaristic radar equipment and 200+ horsepower engines are used that gunplay would become a factor sooner or later. There are people in this country who still view the great outdoors as "theirs," so when you come ripping across the water at 60 miles per hour into what they feel is their own personal space, it's not outside the realm of reality that you might have to duck a little buckshot. While most of us who pause our remote controls on televised bass fishing ARE sympathetic to the "need for speed" while looking for Johnny Hogg (that thing is as big as a goddamned baby--Robert Earl Keen), we also understand the direct proportionality between a man's asshole quotient and the horsepower of his outboard.

Now that the downstairs TV is finally fixed, it was time to get caught up on my DVD watching. After suffering through 9 (nine) excruciating innings of a Twins' blowout of the Royals where our ("our" being my hometown boys in Royal Blue) rookie couldn't get his Uncle Charlie over the dish due to the extreme Missouri humidity, me and Ole slapped on "Okie Noodling: No Hooks, No Bait, No Fear." I'd received the thing in the mail earlier in the week from my secret operative in Austin, Texas, Hyman Flossman, so I was anxious to investigate this phenomenon. Needless to say, about 200 greasy flatheads, several snakebites, and 5 or 10 various configurations of teeth later, I was VERY impressed with this film. I called my 90 (ninety) year old grandma to find out more about my own family's history with this gentleman's pursuit and she told me grandpa only went once and never caught anything. "A friend of his went up under a stump in that creek once, though, and found one; he petted it a bit so it bit his hand, then he yanked it out. There was a big snake sitting on that stump, so the men told us to be real still in the boat or we'd upset it. Those people were crazy," she said. I can't wait to watch this movie at about 2:05am on a weekend night...

...until then, my favorite 2:05am movie is "The Accountant," an Oscar winning short from Holly Hunter's "bona fide fiancee" in "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou," Ray McKinnon. If you grew up on a farm, have farmers in your family, own a farm now, have a passing interest in the farming industry, or simply own the box set DVD of every season of the "Andy Griffith Show," you should git yerself a copy of this movie. Aside from the "death of the family farm," which is the central motif of the film, there's a REALLY nice jab at Nashville and "Country" music. While watching it last night, after "Okie Noodling," it made me think of a new motto for the Radio Show:

"If the callout research says this is what Country music folks want to listen to, you're callin' the wrong goddamned people"

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 16, 2003 12:11 PM

 

Daddy! Bubba's meddlin' agin...

Filed under: Imported

Jack's Latest Top Twenty...Now roll up your windur, and stop hittin' yer sister or I'll turn this car around...

1. Decoration Day, Drive By Truckers
2. Rainy Day Music, The Jayhawks
3. American IV: The Man Comes Around, Johnny Cash
4. Cow Fish Fowl or Pig, The Gourds
5. Terroir Blues, Jay Farrar
6. Wave on Wave, Pat Green
7. Swing Time, Wayne "The Train" Hancock
8. Balin, Fred Eaglesmith & the Flathead Noodlers
9. Live, Alison Krauss & Union Station
10. Blacklisted, Neko Case
11. One Step Ahead, Rhonda Vincent
12. ring, Big Ditch Road
13. ...the size of planets, Haley Bonar
14. Freedom's Child, Billy Joe Shaver
15. Bona Fide, The Gibson Brothers
16. The Lawless, Kevin Deal
17. Under the Table & Above the Sun, Reckless Kelly
18. Hollerin' At a Woodpecker, Ben Weaver
19. Streets of Sin, Joe Ely
20. Railings, Frog Holler

You could email your local "Country" station and ask them to play some of these CD's or add them to their playlists, but chances are, their Morning Zoo Wake Up and Be Phony show is using them for coasters. So turn off your radio and listen to these CD's in the car instead.

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 14, 2003 2:46 PM

 

A Trailerhome Companion...or a Fistful of Bowfin....

Filed under: Imported

"Don Ramon Rojo, I hear you're looking for men. Well, I might just be the kinda man you're looking for. But I gotta warn you Don Ramon, I don't work cheap."

--Clint Eastwood as The Man With No Name in Fistful of Dollars

---

While I was at the Knight Cap meat raffle last night, a friend of mine told me they were looking for a writer for Garrison Keillor's A Prairie Home Companion. I learned today that they may have already stopped taking submissions for the job. Tsk tsk tsk...look what they missed...

---

Here's the latest news from Lake Wobestay, where the women dip snuff and the men shower at least once a week:

Now that the local Catalogue Company has shut its doors for good, unemployment in town has reached almost 90 per cent. But in some ways, a little idle time is good for a small town. Television aerials in some parts of town have received badly needed maintenance and repair work, some getting as much as 30 feet added to their height. The Swensons of White Tail Trail were commenting very loudly at the Diner about how they can get the news from the Twin Cities' stations with their new equipment and no longer have to settle for the hack stations in St. Cloud.

Local seed reps, the Baither Boys, having a few days off, were up and drunk at the crack of dawn this past Tuesday, off to the lake with their 16 foot fishing boat, riding tandem on their ATV. Being the most drunk and the oldest of the two Baither Boys, big brother Buck was, of course, driving and must have had a sharp flashback from the acid he dropped at the Thief River Music Festival (featuring Ted "Theodocious Atrocious" Nugent and The Allman Brothers, no less) in '74, because he drove the whole rig right into the water approximately 15 feet before he realized what had happened. Luckily, having stuck to beer all morning and not yet into the Jaegermeister, little brother Buddy shook Buck back to reality, and the two of them pushed the whole thing out of the Lake and backed her in there properly. Details are still sketchy on what they caught that day, but word at the Diner was that the armed members of the Department of Natural Resources had seized their day's "catch" in their outdoor standalone freezer and several boxes of unregistered dynamite in a predawn raid the next day. When they stormed the house, the Baither boys invited them in for a hearty breakfast of Old Style, Eggs and Toast and submitted to the warrant peacefully.

Speaking of fish, Sunday afternoon radio personality and part time sandwich artist, Jack Sparks, has yet to accomplish his feat of catching the State Record Dogfish. To date, he's caught a 5 pound largemouth bass, several bait size sunnies, a sheepshead, bullheads too numerous to mention, and not a single bowfin. Not one to back down from a fight, word has it that he's been conducting "experiments" in his garage aimed at creating the perfect bait for the non-elusive fish. Knowing that they'll eat anything that doesn't eat them first, Sparks is apparently concentrating his efforts on baits that will only attract the "really big" ones. Officials of the State Mental Hospital are said to have a "Go" team on the ready for the moment his family finally breaks down and signs the papers.

Finally, the Fire Department will have BOTH trucks on hand when the Trailer Trash Two Steppin' Moonshine Jug Band and Cowboy Singers take the stage at the Midtown Dancehall and Beer Emporium this Saturday night. For everyone who was too drunk last time to remember, last month when the Band took the stage, several small fires were started, both in the hall and outside in the parking lot. Two wives, 3 girlfriends, and a prize coonhound had to be rescued from the Ladies' room because the smoke was too thick to permit proper egress. However, all fires were quickly put out and the joint was saved. Volunteer Fire Chief and local mailman Buzz Teuton listed all but one fire as accidental on his report, the exception having something to do with sucking lighter fluid and trying to breathe fire on a picture of town founder, Lars "Mudcat" Olson.

And that's this week's news from Lake Wobestay, where the women work the 3rd shift, and the men are up by noon...

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 13, 2003 4:17 PM

 

Good Guys 12, Bad Guys 9

Filed under: Imported

People who don't know anything about sports, and particularly those who don't know anything about baseball regularly call the Yankees "America's Team." They aren't my team. They never have been. I sincerely hope that tonight's loss was the first in a consecutive losing streak that stretches to the end of the regular season. What Tony Pena has done in this one season is an astoundingly larger accomplishment than ANYTHING Joe Torre has ever done with the keys of the Cadillac that was handed to him. Everytime his team of overpriced LOSERS doesn't win the World Series, his megalomaniacal boss goes out and buys the two highest priced free agents on the market. What a colossal ship of fools. They have SEVERAL PLAYERS whose PERSONAL SALARY is larger than that of the Royals' ENTIRE TEAM. And yet, the spunky boys in Blue slap hit them into submission tonight, scoring an embarassing 12 runs on Hell's Own Team. #$%& you George Steinbrenner, #$%& you pinstriped devils, and, as always, #$%& you too Chris Chambliss, wherever you are...

---

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 11, 2003 11:09 PM

 

All of Today's Best Country....

Filed under: Imported

Now I get it.

A reader actually sent out some emails to some Radio Bozos per my plea of August 5th. He forwarded one or two to me; and while, none of them really surprised me, one actually made a little light go off in my head, and caused me to add one more little building block to my theory of ruination of Country Music and Country Radio.

The Knuckleheads at KRTY Radio in San Jose had someone in the Marketing Department reply to the reader's email for some reason. When answering questions posed by the "Neo Traditionalist" crowd, these stations have stock answers that delicately say, "Because we're impersonal corporate entities focused solely on making money despite our ever-shrinking audiences, we're focused on delivering one demographic to our advertisers and thus support only music floated to us by 4 or 5 labels in Nashville that will help us in that quest. We sprinkle traditional sounding music into our playlists between midnight and 3am on Wednesdays and Sunday mornings at 8am, you should listen then." So this Knucklehead says that in so many words, then the little turd gets snotty and delivers this gem:

As far as the artists listed in your last paragraph, never heard of them, never seen them on a soundscan, can't imagine why we would play them. You were making very good comments until you went there.

And that's when the light went off in my pea-brain. First off, the artists to which he is referring are Neko Case, The Drive By Truckers, and Fred Eaglesmith. He shows what a shit-for-brains he really is with that statement, but let's really examine what he said, because the nuts and bolts of his statement reveal the most alarming thing of all.

"...never seen them on a soundscan..."

Nielsen SoundScan is actually a useful service to some extent, geared toward helping the recording industry track sales and airplay information. The problem, if there is one with it, is that if you aren't in it, you aren't in it. That is to say, dumbies like the guy at KRTY use it as a crutch in place of real work and real interest in music. Pencil pushers substitute SoundScan reporting for club-hopping, specialty shows, and listener requests.

But, even THAT isn't the most alarming thing about what he wrote. SoundScan is the list and the List is SoundScan. Think about that. What we and people like us have been bemoaning has really been going on for about 15 years now. For THAT reason, Alt-Country/Americana/Roots Music will NEVER penetrate the playlists of Shitty Mainstream Country stations. By now, everyone who listens to these stations thinks and believes that this awful music IS country music and that which we defend is not. And, what's worse, is that the people who work at these stations are for the most part, radio robots, so they think the same thing. They don't care if it's good music, they just want to know if it's good radio. We don't fit. And we won't ever fit. We've been kicked out.

Just look around, there are NO stations with Classic, Mainstream, and Americana evenly distributed in the playlist. There are ALL classic stations and ALL Mainstream stations, BUT THERE ARE NO COUNTRY STATIONS.

I'll list the radio stations and contacts again if you have feelings about this one way or the other, but the best thing you can do from now on is simply turn them off. They don't care about you, so you should stop caring about them.

---

The Contacts

1. New York--None

2. LA--KZLA-FM
Tonya Campos
Replacement: Eleni Mandell

3. Chicago--WUSN-FM
Programming
Replacement: Anything on Bloodshot Records

4. San Francisco--KRTY-FM
Website Form
Replacement: Red Meat

5. Dallas/Ft. Worth--KPLX-FM
Cody Alan
Replacement: There are plenty of good Texas acts, why would you waste time on this no-talent?

6. Philadelphia--WXTU-FM
Cadillac Jack
Replacement: Frog Holler

7. Houston/Galveston--KTHT-FM (oldies, invest), KILT-FM
Michael Cruise
Replacement: See No. 5 above

8. Washington, D.C.--WMZQ-FM
Shelley Rose
Replacement: The Hangdogs

9. Boston--WKLB-FM
Website Form
Replacement: The Coming Grass

10. Detroit--WYCD-FM
Ron Chatman
Replacement: The Wrenfields

11. Atlanta--WKHX-FM
Website Form
Replacement: The Drive By Truckers

12. Miami/Ft. Lauderdale--WKIS-FM
Bob Barnett
Replacement: The Drive By Truckers

13. Puerto Rico--None

14. Seattle/Tacoma--KMPS-FM
Programming
Replacement: Richmond Fontaine

15. Phoenix--KNIX-FM
Programming
Replacement: Roger Clyne & the Peace Makers

16. Minneapolis--KEEY-FM
Gregg Swedberg
Replacement: Consult The Other Side of Country for all of the great local artists you're ignoring.

17. San Diego--KSON-FM
Greg Frey
Replacement: The Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash

18. Nassau-Suffolk, NY--WWYZ-FM
Annie Sandor
Replacement: The Demolition String Band

19. St. Louis--WIL-FM
Greg Mozingo--Website Form
Replacement: If you aren't already, start working the Uncle Tupelo re-releases in.

20. Baltimore--WPOC-FM
Michael J.
Replacement: Frog Holler

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 11, 2003 4:30 PM

 

Trophies for hunting dogs...the soup's still bad

Filed under: Imported

Over in the corner, a gigantic, four-tiered purple trophy commemorated a hunt that their dog Cadillac had won in 1994, in what was then the largest open event in history. "I need to get rid of a bunch of those," Beck said, following my gaze. "I have boxes and boxes of plaques in storage."
Brent nodded on his way to the bedroom. "You can't eat trophies," he said. "You can boil 'em three days and the soup's still bad."

--From Noodling for Flatheads: Moonshine, Monster Catfish and Other Southern Comforts, by Burkhard Bilger

---

You can spend a lot of money on a well bred hunting dog, but if you fire a gun over its head and it cowers, your money has gone down the toilet. Sure, you can walk one around the ring on the USA network and win a trophy, but hunting dogs were bred to tree coons, drag down deer, and 'rassle badgers. There are always those that will strut around like peacocks, well groomed, and bark as if they're made from the right stock. But these are the same ones that will follow a cold trail for miles, and then expect you to carry them back to the truck, too tired to make the trip themselves.

According to all the massive wisdom on the internet, these are this week's hunting dogs with trophies:
1. Alan Jackson And Jimmy Buffett, It's Five O'Clock Somewhere
2. Brooks & Dunn, Red Dirt Road
3. Kenny Chesney, No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems
4. Brad Paisley, Celebrity
5. Shania Twain, Forever And For Always
6. Dierks Bentley, What Was I Thinkin'?
7. Tim McGraw, Real Good Man
8. Brian McComas, 99.9% Sure
9. Trace Adkins, Then They Do
10. Buddy Jewell, Help Pour Out The Rain (Lacey's Song)
I'm not sure I'd want any of them in the woods with me, and I'll leave you with one particularly cruel story that's been told to me several times since my childhood. My wild-eyed grandfather, Little Marty, raised coonhounds. He used to brush their coats with motor oil, and feed them raw meat to make them mean. On more than one occassion, when one backed down from a coon in the field, he put a bullet in its head and left it there. "That one's no good anymore," he'd say.

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 10, 2003 10:05 PM

 

the peoples loves them lists...

Filed under: Imported

Just released..."Swing Time," by Wayne "The Train" Hancock

Wayne The Train's new disk, "Swing Time," is a fine example of everything that Alt/Americana/Roots music has over its bland and insipid cousin, Nashville Pop. Recorded live at the Continental Club in Austin, Texas this past March, it features Wayne's band and friends whoopin' it up, hootin' and hollerin' and doing all the things that should be done at a Train show. There's a stunning version of "Thunderstorms & Neon Signs," which I immediately added to my show. It really brings out Hancock's road-worn authenticity and gritty realism. Live disks can be a real crapshoot sometimes because of sound quality and the inability to capture live performance in what are often two dimensional recordings. This disk is well done, without losing its rawness, and you can feel the sweat, without losing the coziness.

---

Jack's Latest Top Twenty, get 'em while they're hot...

1. Decoration Day, Drive By Truckers
2. Rainy Day Music, The Jayhawks
3. American IV: The Man Comes Around, Johnny Cash
4. Terroir Blues, Jay Farrar
5. Wave on Wave, Pat Green
6. Balin, Fred Eaglesmith & the Flathead Noodlers
7. Live, Alison Krauss & Union Station
8. Blacklisted, Neko Case
9. Under the Table & Above the Sun, Reckless Kelly
10. ring, Big Ditch Road
11. ...the size of planets, Haley Bonar
12. Freedom's Child, Billy Joe Shaver
13. Bona Fide, The Gibson Brothers
14. The Lawless, Kevin Deal
15. Wallace '48, The Hangdogs
16. Cow Fish Fowl or Pig, The Gourds
17. Hollerin' At a Woodpecker, Ben Weaver
18. One Step Ahead, Rhonda Vincent
19. Swing Time, Wayne "The Train" Hancock
20. Cockledoodledon't, The Legendary Shack Shakers

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 7, 2003 12:09 PM

 

We got ears at home...

Filed under: Imported

Where tattoos stare at golfers, who are starin' at the bozo ring hippies, who are prayin' they'll get out of here alive. I've just spent the last 3 hours of my life at The 400 Bar, watching the Drive By Truckers reaffirm everything I've been writing TO you for the past umpteen months. I mean, I literally just got flipped like a 12 inch pancake. If you like, listen to, support, buy, or even glance at anything that has to do with Garth, Shania, Faith, Tim, or Kenny, you're a fucking dope. You're dumber than nine chickens. You're dumber than a bag of hammers. You're so fucking far gone in the corporate machinery of fluffy image over gritty substance that I don't ever want you to read this blog again. Go away. Go far fucking away. Live your stupid fucking life with your stupid fucking jerkoff sensibility about what is right and what is wrong. If you ever want proof that there is a God who is angry and is punishing the wicked, then make sure you amble down to whatever local club is hosting a Drive By Truckers show in your town. Patterson Hood saved my life tonight, and I didn't even ask him to do it. To all you people in Nashville...one more time...fuck off, because you're the rock bottom, soulless, lifeless, fucking machine that has destroyed the music that so many people once loved. If you're lucky, maybe somebody will "bury yer body in the ol' sinkhole, bury yer body in the ol' sinkhole, bury yer body in the ol' sinkhole..." I've got no time to be even-handed anymore....

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 7, 2003 1:45 AM

 

D'ya see how far we blowed 'er?

Filed under: Imported

Holyoak had promised to give me a frog before I left the hatchery, but when the time came, he said the North American Raniculture Research Center was locked. Instead he drove me out to a pond and pointed a high-powered rifle out the truck window. In the evening's whiskey-colored light, I could see a bullfrog's eyes floating on the surface like soap bubbles, mesmerized by passing clouds. Then suddenly he was cartwheeling across the water, belly flashing like a green-and-yellow whirligig, trailing a ragged red streamer as if in an excess of joy. "D'ya see how far that bullet blowed 'im?" Holyoak chuckled beside me. "I ain't got nothin' but hollow-points in here for shootin' hogs."

--From Noodling for Flatheads: Moonshine, Monster Catfish and Other Southern Comforts, by Burkhard Bilger

---

"So why not stir up some trouble?" I thought.

A central theory to my clouded radio and internet existence is that Mainstream Country recording and radio are a complete mess of overly slick production, pretty people, and petty pulp. The response to that theory is always, "the call out research says we're giving the people what they want." And the response to THAT bit of bullshit is that when the only people you're calling are Tammy at 2 o'clock right after "Days of Our Lives" and just before "Oprah," of course you're gonna get a lot of thumbs ups for Faith, Kenny, Tim, Garth, and Shania.

A second central theory to my myopic Georgia pond of musical purity is that acts like Shania are big ol' bullfrogs treading in that pond, their eyes floating on the surface, never moving, always growing, filling the air with their interminable croaks. It got even worse when David Cantwell and Bill Friskics-Warren published the greatest Country music history treatise in the last Century, "Heartaches by the Number: Country Music's 500 Greatest Singles," and included Twain at Number 358, for "Any Man of Mine:"

What does [break new ground], though, is her [Twain's] other new message--one that serves notice to the men who run her record label and, by implication, the rest of the Music Row's boys club, that she's taken control of her career.

Just as a minor point, she didn't take control of anything. She's a talentless, modulated, mic'ed up robot in tight pants showing off her belly button, doing EVERYTHING her husband tells her to do. But, I digress...

Even here, in Minneapolis, where there are no Country Music Radio stations, a few of the local signals insist on including her in their playlists. I do a lot of ranting and raving about that not being Country and this being Country, and blah blah blah, but it's all pretty unfocused. I think I've made a small dent in this town with my little show, but there are millions of folks out there who simply aren't in tune to the fact that there are alternatives to the over-processed steaming piles of turds that are shovelled to them on a daily basis by the unholy Gods of Nashville. Additionally, the knuckleheads who make music decisions at big Mainstream Country Stations figure that if they lie to us and ignore us, maybe we Alt Country/American/Roots/Insurgent types will just go away.

"So why not stir up some trouble?" I says to myself.

Below, you'll find a form letter, the Top Twenty Radio Markets in America, the Top (alleged)Country Stations in those markets, the Contact Info for that station, and an alternative artist from their town or area for them to play instead of Shania. You can copy, paste, and alter this letter into an email from yourself to one, some, or all of these stations. Naturally, my letter is a little harsh, I want her off the air, she serves no purpose, and OUR opinions should start counting. But, hey, have fun with it if you want. Maybe Shania stole your boyfriend, made one of your plants die, or caused your wiener dog to run away; you'll want to include those personal instances of pain and woe. The thing is, if we can remove her from the Top Twenty Radio Markets in the Country, maybe it will trickle down, and she'll be forced to rust into oblivion in the box her evil husband keeps her locked in, in their spacious castle in Switzerland.

---

The Letter

Greetings,

I've been a Country Music Fan all of my life. Through my friends, relatives, and acquaintances, I came to love the music of Hank Williams, Loretta Lynn, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, EmmyLou Harris, Merle Haggard, Buck Owens, and many others. The music represents an artistic achievement to me; it's cultural, deep, and sometimes personal. I hear my own struggles and joys in the authentic and gritty performances of the singer/songwriters that are so typical and central to this genre of music.

However, the last twenty years of Country Music and Country Radio have caused distress in both my heart and ears. Stations like yours have chosen to play artists like Shania Twain ad nauseam under the thinly rooted explanation that she is what WE want. I am writing to tell you that as a Country Music fan, I believe 3 things about Ms. Twain: 1) She and her music are not Country, 2) She and her husband are solely focused on creating some kind of Pop Music crossover monstrosity, the artistic and economic implications of which are going to be disastrous for Country Music in the long run, and 3) She in no way, shape or form represents what I want.

After reading a few things, I was encouraged to do this by a wild-eyed hillbilly DJ from Minneapolis who promises to encourage me to do other things as long as she remains a part of your playlist. He and I agree that you're alienating the core Country Music audience in favor of a shallow demographic report that is as heretical and biased as it is phoney. As Mark Twain once said, "There are 3 kinds of falsehoods in this world, Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics."

Thank you for your time, and please remove this soulless automaton from the music I love immediately, and replace her with a real country act like Neko Case, The Drive By Truckers, or Fred Eaglesmith & the Flathead Noodlers. Stop relegating this music to niche shows and godforsaken hours of the night; put it into your regular rotation. WE are a very committed part of the Country music audience, and if you continue to ignore us, it will come back to haunt you.

Sincerely
INSERT YOUR NAME HERE

---

The Contacts

1. New York--None

2. LA--KZLA-FM
Tonya Campos
Replacement: Eleni Mandell

3. Chicago--WUSN-FM
Programming
Replacement: Anything on Bloodshot Records

4. San Francisco--KRTY-FM
Website Form
Replacement: Red Meat

5. Dallas/Ft. Worth--KPLX-FM
Cody Alan
Replacement: There are plenty of good Texas acts, why would you waste time on this no-talent?

6. Philadelphia--WXTU-FM
Cadillac Jack
Replacement: Frog Holler

7. Houston/Galveston--KTHT-FM (oldies, invest), KILT-FM
Michael Cruise
Replacement: See No. 5 above

8. Washington, D.C.--WMZQ-FM
Shelley Rose
Replacement: The Hangdogs

9. Boston--WKLB-FM
Website Form
Replacement: The Coming Grass

10. Detroit--WYCD-FM
Ron Chatman
Replacement: The Wrenfields

11. Atlanta--WKHX-FM
Website Form
Replacement: The Drive By Truckers

12. Miami/Ft. Lauderdale--WKIS-FM
Bob Barnett
Replacement: The Drive By Truckers

13. Puerto Rico--None

14. Seattle/Tacoma--KMPS-FM
Programming
Replacement: Richmond Fontaine

15. Phoenix--KNIX-FM
Programming
Replacement: Roger Clyne & the Peace Makers

16. Minneapolis--KEEY-FM
Travis Moon
Replacement: Consult The Other Side of Country for all of the great local artists you're ignoring.

17. San Diego--KSON-FM
Greg Frey
Replacement: The Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash

18. Nassau-Suffolk, NY--WWYZ-FM
Annie Sandor
Replacement: The Demolition String Band

19. St. Louis--WIL-FM
Greg Mozingo--Website Form
Replacement: If you aren't already, start working the Uncle Tupelo re-releases in.

20. Baltimore--WPOC-FM
Michael J.
Replacement: Frog Holler

Let's croak this bloated frog together...

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 5, 2003 6:04 PM

 

Willie, Waylon, and Me...

Filed under: Imported

The little radio station that could, AM1220, changed its call letters today. It used to be WEZU, which may have had something to do with the EZ-listening music that's on the station during the non-live times; or, it could have had something to do with some play on the word, "wheeze," but that joke of mine always made the boss frown and chuckle at the same time. At any rate, you can now hear The Other Side of Country on WMGT, The Mighty 1220, from 1 to 3 on Sundays, etc etc etc. With Bob Yates, Ruth Koscielak, Bill O'Reilly, The Great Polka Revolution, and Me on the same station, it's more of a Mighty little station that can, rather than a WEZU (read wheeze-ooo). You can still call me during the show on the same local (651-275-1220) and toll free (877-646-1220) pigwhistles to hear the best and ONLY alternative country in the State of Minnesota.

"Tampa to Tulsa," on the Jayhawks' latest disk, "Rainy Day Music," is one of my favorite songs right now. I like the whole disk, as the previous blog notes in very longwinded fashion; but, I keep coming back to that tune over and over again.

I've been trying to organize a list of blogs to write so I kind of stay on point and don't get bogged down in wild-eyed rants, inconsistent asides, and obtuse evidence of my ever-increasing insanity. One of them will definitely be a savage piece about why The Gourds are the best Country band in the world right now, but that one needs time to gel so that I say everything I want to say, just the way I want to say it. If you have thoughts on the matter, or have an opinion on who the best Country band in America is right now, please email me. Lonestar won't make the list. Oh and, #$%& you Shania.

Until my writing brain reboots and I have something coherent to write, I'll leave you with a quotation attributed to Waylon Jennings by Sherwin Linton, as told to me last Wednesday night at The Cabooze by Andy of the White Iron Band:

"Garth Brooks did for Country Music what pantyhose did for finger f#$%ing."

Res Ipsa Loquitur.

Posted by Jack Sparks at August 4, 2003 6:02 PM

 

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