Wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger

Kris Kristofferson, Jesus Was A Capricorn

TCB reminded me that in addition to being an authority on hillbilly music, the world's greatest dogfish fisherman, and a part-time dentist, I'm also a big fan of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, especially around Christmas time.

But don't worry, I'm not here to tell you how God made the Grand Canyon the same way a child digs a mote around a sand castle. No, my perspective on Jesus tends toward the reality of it all. I like fresh, offbeat perspectives on our Lord and Savior, and there are many of those in everyday life, if you care to look, and are not the psychotic Attorney General of a Western democracy.

One of my favorite investigations into the mystery of human frailty, faith, and love, is the 1971 album, Jesus Was A Capricorn, by the West Point graduate, Rhodes Scholar, and country songwriting legend, Kris Kristofferson. If you ever feel like blowing up an abortion clinic, handing out leaflets on the Gospel as folks leave their synagogue, or just plain ol' going door to door to save everyone from an eternal damnation to hellfire, just sit back and listen to this a little first, it might calm the fires in your heart:

Jesus was a Capricorn
He ate organic foods
He believed in love and peace
And never wore no shoes
Long hair, beard and sandals
And a funky bunch of friends
Reckon they'd just nail him up
If he come down again

`Cause everybody's gotta have somebody
To look down on
Who they can feel better than
Anytime they please
Someone doin' somethin' dirty
Decent folks can frown on
If you can't find nobody else
Then help yourself to me

I bought that CD around my junior year in college. Since then, whenver someone asks me what I think of Jesus, I sing that to them. It's just religious enough, and just heathen enough, to confuse them and make them walk away.

But, for those of you who really like to get down and dirty with The Son of Man on his birthday, there's nothing like the magazine, Popular Mechanics. Yep, right in between a hydraulic floor-lift schematic for your two-car garage and an irrigation system for your tomato plants, lies the Light and the Resurrection. Last year there was a great article in the mag about a group of forensic anthropologists who set out to build a "Real Face of Jesus" based on the archaelogical evidence available about semitic men in the 1st Century of what is now Israel.

From an analysis of skeletal remains, archeologists had firmly established that the average build of a Semite male at the time of Jesus was 5 ft. 1 in., with an average weight of about 110 pounds. Since Jesus worked outdoors as a carpenter until he was about 30 years old, it is reasonable to assume he was more muscular and physically fit than westernized portraits suggest.

It's okay to admit that there probably weren't any assembled weapons of mass destruction, that Lee Harvey Oswald probably wasn't the only shooter, and that the Lamb of God, who took away the sins of the world, was closer in appearance and stature to U of M All-American 125 pounder Leroy Vega than anything at Jesus of the Week.

I find a strange sort of comfort in the thought that Jesus was nothing like all the knuckle-headed, tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed propapaganda foisted on us by all manner of dogmatic institutions. It makes the whole story more interesting, and ultimately, more believable. If someone who looked like Sebastian Bach in a beard went parading around Copernicum 2000 years ago, he woulda got whacked for being a carpet-bagging trouble maker. Jesus got as far as he did because he HAD to look like everybody else. The message was different, but it sank in with his road crew because he was one of them. Also, I don't think it's any coincidence that Leroy Vega is one of the more rock solid, moral men I've ever met and had the honor to call friend.

At the end of the day, we all have our belief systems, I guess, so I'm not here to say mine is infallible or right. But, there's a lot of Jesus in country music, and some of it is even good. So, while you're looking for him in the lakes, trees, fields of flowers, and your bowl of mashed potatoes at the Old Country Buffet, don't forget to take a gander at the used record bin too.

Here's a smattering of a playlist I did on the show last Easter, if ya care:

The Gourds/Jesus Christ with Signs Following, Jack Ingram/Pete, Jesus, and Me, Johnny Cash/Personal Jesus, Hungry Horse/Dashboard Jesus, Slobberbone/Trust Jesus, Larry Gatlin w/ Kris Kristofferson/Help Me, Bobby Bare/Drop Kick Me Jesus, Hank Williams/I Saw the Light, Uncle Tupelo/Satan, Your Kingdom Must Come Down, Drag The River/Back to God, Drive By Truckers/Too Much Sex (Too Little Jesus)