You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision
Feliz Navidad, Joyeaux Noel, Heilige Weinachten, and:
Sent : Wednesday, December 22, 2004 4:51 PM
To : firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject : Comments on The "F" Word
Jack - Having just seen your pitiful Nov 11 diatribe about the CMA Awards, replete with countless repetition of the "F" word, my comment obviously is "Go Fuck Yourself." Yes you can consider that a "tip" too.
By the way jackass, none of the performers lip-synched. Better do some tune up on your TIVO.
For those of you who haven't been following this, let's just reprint one other Pilgrim's thoughts as well:
Sent : Sunday, November 14, 2004 10:19 PM
To : email@example.com
Subject : Your cma comments
If you hate all of our music so much, maybe you should get hired on to review live monkey fuckings at the zoo. You might understand that. Nah, probably not, but you could at least hang out with creatures at the same inteligence level as you. Most of your technical comments about technical issues were wrong, indicating that you are a total dumbass or just pretty uneducated.
--Buddy Cannon (Chesney's producer) He was singing live. I know. You are full of shit.
Just in case you aren't sure who Ed Benson is:
CMA Executive Director Ed Benson has participated in more than 100 Board of Directors meetings on three continents, in multiple time zones. He�s presided over countless award presentations, tributes and honors. Benson is a member of The Recording Academy, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, the National Academy of Popular Music, Copyright Society of the South, the American Society of Association Executives and Who�s Who Worldwide, and is an alumnus of both Leadership Nashville and Leadership Music.
"When I look back on the last 25 years, I see fundamental changes that represent cycles that have been in Country Music for a long time," Benson said. "It�s been 25 years of comings and goings and ups and downs, and all the while becoming better and better."
Let's recap shall we? A blog that maybe gets 250 readers a day, written by a part-time DJ who broadcasts on a 5,000 watt signal on the Eastern edge of the nation's 16th largest radio market, posts a drunken diatribe about the sorry state of the CMA Awards and garbage Mainstream Country music. The TV show in question probably had somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 million viewers. The blog post in question has had to date, less than 4,000 readers. [4,000 / 25 mill = .00016 x 100 = .016%]
Following said TV show and blog post, one of the biggest producers of garbage Mainstream Country music, and one of the biggest people period in Mainstream Country music, have told me to go watch monkeys fuck in the zoo and fuck myself, respectively.
For those of you scoring at home, the numbers all add up and the jokes write themselves. If you're going to editorialize on something like this, you need to examine the facts.
A. It wasn't that big of a deal to me when I did it. I was actually copying something that Bill Simmons does all the time in his column, "The Sports Guy" on ESPN.com Page2, a running diary of some program I either like, hate, or have been looking forward to. No big whup, and most importantly, nothing I hadn't done before. Sure there was Beechwood Aging, sure there were cuss words, but, I'm a hillbilly, and sometimes those things go hand in hand.
B. It looked like a number of people were lip-synching, so I said it. A few blogs later, I corrected myself with the help of a source I trust. According to that source, one person lip-synched; if I had to guess--and I will--it was Shania. But who cares? The point is, they're really sore about being accused of lip-synching. To paraphrase Hamlet, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks..."
C. Two really bigshot bigwigs in Nashville, millionaires, felt the need to respond to a pissant DJ with a pissant blog in a market where there's only one country radio station that moves in lockstep time with whatever they shovel at them to play. Am I a threat, or are they just squashin' a bug? Who cares? It's hilarious, these are respected business men.
If Santa Claus himself had slid down the chimney of my house and personally plopped an Evil Knievel doll with motorcycle, chopper, Snake River Canyon rocket cycle, RV, trailer, and windup device in my lap, I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas present than this. I have a friend who works at one of the big time radio stations here in town; he reinforced and reiterated for me one night the longstanding radio rule that you NEVER respond to your competition when you're the top-dog. In fact, you don't even acknowledge their existence. You take the high road, and leave them to their accusations, conspiracies, recriminations, and pranks.
Benson really got his hooks into the CMA starting in 1979. Alabama released their first album in 1980. Right around that time, both the country recording industry and country radio realized that the format could be used to deliver a solid block female 25-45 demographic, and recording and airtime were focused on doing just that, to the exclusion of any kinds of musical innovations. So there was one more thing I was WRONG about in my rambling screed:
Jim Foglesong. It's his fault. He signed Garth Brooks and they're putting him in the Hall of Fame. I always wondered whose fault it was. I'm going to make a Jim Foglesong Sucks t-shirt, I just wonder if anyone will get it.
Nope, that's not right. Let's all swallow the red pill:
Under Benson�s leadership, the Association successfully moved Fan Fair® from the fairgrounds to Downtown Nashville � increasing attendance and evolving the festival into a world-class music event: CMA Music Festival. Benson also lead the initiative that landed the festival on network television as a concert special, �CMA Music Festival: Country Music�s Biggest Party� on the CBS Television Network in July. Under his watchful eye, the CMA Awards moved to the highly competitive November sweeps period where it has been a ratings success for CBS and a sales windfall for the music industry.
Part of his job is also accepting that there will be detractors, Benson said.
"Some people who don�t know CMA have the perception that there are a bunch of guys in a smoke-filled room making decisions. But that smoke-filled room, that clique, that country club, just doesn�t exist. I hope that when people see me, they see me as a huge supporter of Country Music, and the Executive Director of an organization that makes strategic decisions in the hopes of improving things and making them better for our industry as a whole," Benson said.
A "friend" of mine likes to call me the Michael Moore of Country Music in long, drawn-out emails about how petty, dumb, and self-centered I am. But that's the wrong movie. I'm really the Neo of Country Music, and I have finally found The Architect. This is our guy folks, we've finally smoked him out. I'm going to make myself an "Ed Benson Sucks" t-shirt. I only wonder if anyone will get it.
I've been a country music fan my entire life, the love instilled in me by my Texan mother. For the last 25 years, and for the last 14 especially, Ed, Country Music hasn't gotten "better and better," it has gotten more profitable and profitable. You know it, I know it, and Johnny Cash, rest his soul, knows it, sitting up there with the Good Lord, "hear[in'] the train a-comin', it's comin' round the bend..." If quantity equals quality to you, then God Bless, and look yourself dead in the chicken eye each morning as you shave.
I heartily applaud Cannon and Benson for writing, and look forward to future correspondence from my newfound, 615 friends. Since it's Christmas, I won't tell you to fuck yourselves back. Happy Holidays fellas.