A cheap shot at a good writer...

A quick counterpoint to Jon Bream's best live country acts piece on StarTribune.com. His comments, followed by my reactions in bold.

1. Kenny Chesney: With his energy, attitude and athleticism, he throws a party like no other current country star, even if his songs don't measure up to country's finest.

His songs don't measure up to country's worst. To say he sucks ass is an insult to ass everywhere. I'm really lost on why this guy doesn't get savaged more regularly. "...even if his songs don't measure up to country's finest," is the national music writer's code for "we all think he sucks, but we have to write drivel like this because the production companies buy huge ads in our newspapers." Let's all drop the pretense, if Kenny Chesney never recorded another fucking note, none of us in the Country Music biz would be the worst for it.

2. Big & Rich. Genre-blending originality, commanding stage presence and a sense of fun (and humor) have meant that Big Kenny Alphin and John Rich's motto should be "Save a Genre (Take Some Chances)." Thursday at We Fest.

There's nothing original about these guys. Their stage performance is derivative of everything Kid Rock's been doing for many years now. Take some chances? "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" has been a FUCKING BUMPER STICKER for decades! Let's all drop the pretense, these edgy guys who happen to record for the equally edgy independent little shop called WARNER BROTHERS FUCKING RECORDS are an attempt to tap into--albeit about a decade later than they should have--the suburban, white, hip hop market, Wal-Mart Hip Hop.

3. Toby Keith. Part Hulk Hogan and part Hank Williams Jr., this blustery, hard-partying patriot is country's over-the-top success. Thursday at We Fest.

Finally, something to latch onto. It's Part Hulk Hogan part Hank Jr. because today's mainstream country is more like Pro Wrestling than Country Music.

4. Brooks & Dunn. This long-lasting duo has a convincing balance of sentimental songs, sanitized redneck rowdiness and calculated showmanship.

It took all of Bream's strength to say these guys should hang it up. Their act is so tired that they don't even measure up to the 10 bands that are exact duplicates/weird offshoots of them (see Big & Rich).

5. Rascal Flatts. Country's boy band pulls it off with youthful energy, harmony-happy romantic songs and cool hairdos, especially frontman Gary LeVox's (above). Sept. 1 at State Fair.

If Bream wanted Gary LeVox to ask him to the prom, all he had to do was call him. FUCKING BOY BANDS DON'T BELONG IN COUNTRY!!!! I'm calling right now state-wide for anyone who's got tickets for this gig to eat a sweet corn, save your cob, and launch it at the stage in unison when this disaster comes out to play.

6. Sawyer Brown. This veteran group doesn't try to impress with a fancy production. Instead, it lets the uptempo tunes and frontman Mark Miller's dazzling dancing carry the show. Friday at We Fest and Aug. 27 at State Fair.

Two words: Star Search. How long oh lord? How long?

7. Alison Krauss & Union Station. No one can argue with her beautiful voice and the group's awesome instrumental prowess, but it's Krauss' off-the-wall humor that makes the performances delightfully unpredictable.

Finally, someone worth seeing.

8. Keith Urban. This fast-rising Aussie heartthrob injects spirituality, romanticism and guitar heroics into his hook-filled country-rock. Sept. 24 at Xcel Center.

The Sean Cassidy of country. I'm going to tell you what happened with this guy, even though I wasn't there. Some night at some club in Nashville, he was on a bill with 3 other guys who sang and played guitar just as well, if not better than he does. The fat fuck in the audience with the big office at the record company--on his 5th Jack and Coke--signed the good looking guy. That's it, that's what separates him, his looks.

9. Gretchen Wilson. This raw, rough-around-the-edges newcomer's honesty, passion and humor shine through on her forward-thinking but traditional mix of heartache and honky-tonk. Saturday at We Fest.

I'm still warming up to Gretchen. Too bad she's part of the Ass Clown Posse, or whatever they call themselves.

10. Trick Pony. A spunky, fun-loving and fun-generating trio that understands how to create a (contrived) good time. Saturday at We Fest.

Why did he put "contrived" in parentheses? Almost everyone on this list is contrived. In fact, mainstream country music should be changed to Countrived Music.

11. Terri Clark. She rocks! She can be a sensitive balladeer or a sweaty rocker. And she always champions girl power. Sept. 4 at Kick'n Up Kountry Music Festival in Hallock, Minn.

I actually have sympathy for Terri Clark. She starved herself into hotness when she came down out of Canada and that fat fuck with the office at the record company thought he had a chick act he could throw out there and make some dough off of, even if she had a two note voice and a two song act. They tried to make her the "Redneck Woman" thing, but it just didn't ring true, maybe further evidence of Wilson's authenticity, I'm not sure. The thing is, now that Wilson hit it big, they've twisted Clark's bit all around and tried to shove her into the mold. It will be interesting to see where all the chicks go now. We've already seen the desperately God-awful Faith Hill try to refashion herself into a hillbilly queen after selling out mercilessly for so long. What a fucking joke.

12. Dwight Yoakam. Long a Nashville outsider, this Hollywood cowboy is a scrumptious sonic throwback with a deep melting pot of superior tunes and a sly, witty stage style that drives women wild.

I've heard some good things about Dwight's gigs recently. I'm kind of crossing my fingers on his split with his long-time producer.

13. Tim McGraw. He drives women wild, too, not with his statue-like moves but with his hunky body, winning songs and big-budget production. Saturday at We Fest.

Sigh. In another words, he stands out there like a puppet and voice-boxes some song somebody else wrote while hookers and fireworks dance around in the background so the chumps who got duped out of $200 a head down front are distracted from his master's strings? Is that about right Jon?

14. Wynonna Judd. Long one of the strongest female voices in Nashville, she has finally found her comfort zone on stage with a spirited, liberating, humorous journey through her life via her favorite rock and R&B covers along with her own hits. Aug. 26 at Grand Casino Hinckley.

He's right, Wynona has a powerful voice. She also weighs about 2 1/2 bills, which made the fat fuck with the big office in Nashville jump off her ship like a scared rat. Do you see what I'm talking about? Loads of talent, but she likes moon-pies, so we think we'll pass. Nashville sucks.

15. Montgomery Gentry. Coming on like WWE tag-team champions, this duo is rambunctious and rockin' with a couple of ballads to balance the bluster. Aug. 26 at Jackpot Junction Casino in Morton, Minn.

See Pro Wrestling reference above. All of these duo acts in Nashville are just twangy copies of Wham! You do the jitterbug (snap snap snap)...