The funniest email I've received in a few weeks came from PC:
Musical Content Labeling
Similar to nutritional content labeling
Force record companies to disclose what really goes into their products. Must be in large, easy to read print on the outside of the package. For example:
Third-party writing content: 100%
Third-party instrumental content: 80%
Third-party vocal content: 30%
Vocal sweetening: 100%
Contains 30% recycled material
Band member talent: <1%
WARNING: Contains no original concepts
WARNING: Band members shown on cover made no musical contribution whatsoever and were only taught to dance through the exhaustive use of cattle prods
This has the look and feel of something that's been passed around the internet for a while, so I'll admit it if I'm way behind on it. But it came during a particularly "gray cloud" moment in my day, so it burnt those suckers off and let the sun shine through. If PC cooked it up himself, he should be given a medal.
Speaking of sun, Sunday is Football day, and Banjo Picks have been severely delinquent, to say the least.
Washington + 2 1/2 at New York Football Giants
Everybody but Tampa is a road dog this week. Joe Gibbs is like a classic country artist from the 70's: showing up in Casinos and flooring the blue hairs who just fell off the climate controlled, floating whorehouse of a bus outside the front door. I'm not sure what I think of all this Eli Manning business, but what he did to Denver last week was cruel and mean spirited and basically made Mike Shanahan cry. If Washington's defense disrupts him early, maybe they win; but, you'd have to think that Toby Keith is a genuine outlaw classic country honkytonker to put your money behind a Skins upset here. (P.S.--Rest in peace, Wellington Mara)
Green Bay +9 at Cincinnati
His dad died, his wife has cancer, his childhood home was destroyed by a hurricane, his team is 1-5, and everybody on that team is hurt; no one is picking Brett Favre, and when I say Brett Favre, I mean the Packers, because if they have a shot at all, he has to be perfect. This is one of those games where Vegas is going to take a bath. He's going to pull something out of his ass down in Cincinnati and leave everyone shaking their heads. You heard it hear first. This is just like the scene from deliverance: "What ya wanna go down there fuckin' with that river for?" "Cuz it's there."
Chicago +3 at Detroit
Run away from this stupid game. Two days before the movie comes out, CBS is going to run a Johnny Cash tribute show where Joaquin Phoenix plays guitar while Norah Jones sings "Home of the Blues." Dennis Quaid played Jerry Lee Lewis back in the day, and spent the next umpteen years trying to get some love for his "music" and his "band." What does any of this have to do with the Bears/Lions game? Well, everybody is a professional here, so we're pretty sure they don't want to embarrass themselves, but they've either created, or put themselves into an environment where it's almost a guaranteed certainty that someone is going to fall woefully short. This game might be too ugly to watch, and it's certainly too ugly to bet your kids' milk money on.
Minnesota +7 1/2 at Carolina
If someone walks up to you and says, "I'm taking the Vikings, give me 20 1/2 points," oblige them. Further down this list, Ben Roethlisberger has basically never lost; comparatively, this bunch of Vikings have never won on the road, outdoors, on grass. In that situation, they play like Kenny Chesney sings whenever he's making a cameo or not the only star onstage: off key, off beat, and barely audible.
Oakland Pick'em at Tennessee
If they had played this game at Oakland, you would have seen what it really means to celebrate Halloween. Until you've spent Halloween within a hundred miles of either Oakland, California or Detroit, Michigan, you don't know shit about Halloween. This game is going to feature cartoonish speed and violence, with occasional fun-house mirror images of the terminally ill Kerry Collins and Steve McNair. Don't let your children watch this.
Arizona +8 1/2 at Dallas
If you know somebody from Dallas--or for that matter, that one buddy of yours who roots for the Yankees, Cowboys, Lakers, and Notre Dame football--take pity on them, because they believe this is the year, all over again. The lastest scuttlebutt is that the next band to do that lead singer replacment, music idol type contest is going to be Van Halen. The whole Parcells/Bledsoe relationship has a sort of Van Halen feel to it. I loved the late 70's and early 80's like any kid, but hey, maybe they oughta hang it up. There should be a quarter page ad in CityPages today that says, "Appearing Halloween at Myth Night Club, Janie Lane of Warrant, Steven Pearcy of Ratt, and Don Dokken...and oh by the way, Drew Bledsoe is starting at Quarterback for Bill Parcells in Dallas." That show is an acoustic version of their gasoline powered metal hits, and Dallas' offense is the same goddamned thing. This line is too high.
Cleveland +2 at Houston
Houston is favored in this game? Really?
Miami +2 1/2 at New Orleans (Baton Rouge)
Let me get this straight...St. Louis didn't have its Head Coach, starting quarterback, its two best wide recievers, and its two best defensive linemen...and the Saints still lost that game? Are you saying that Miami isn't better than the Rams' B Team? I'm confused.
Jacksonville Pick'em at St. Louis
See above. The Jags aren't the Saints.
Kansas City +6 at San Diego
Apparently Vegas still believes in Shittenheimer, no matter what happened in Philadelphia last week. When Lamar Hunt gets all cut down on Old Granddad bourbon, he slurs the name "Shittenheimer" into the PA system out at Arrowhead in the middle of the night. And why not? It's his joint, and he had to put up with nearly ten years of the worst kind of failure. LaDainlian Tomlinson might get 200 yards on Sunday, but the Chiefs will win this game, probably by at least two touchdowns.
Tampa Bay -11 1/2 at San Francisco
No one who lives within 100 miles of San Francisco calls it "San Fran" or "Frisco." If you do that, stop it, it marks you as a rube, and to anyone who lives out there, both names are like fingernails on a chalkboard. San Francisco is simply known as "The City" to the locals, or buy its fully qualified domain name, San Francisco. Tampa Bay is going to destroy the Niners.
Philadelphia +3 1/2 at Denver
Denver this, Denver that. Mike Shanahan is still shitting blood over that Eli Manning gut punch last week. He's going to do everything in his power to prevent that from happening this week, instead of focusing his team on proactively winning this game. Eagles in a walk.
Buffalo +8 1/2 at New England
I'm bored with the Patriots without actively hating them. Kind of like how I feel about Brad Paisley. Buffalo is the food in this game...you know those info-mercials with kitchen gadgets that have razor sharp blades that go through cement-hard foods like turnips, like they aren't even there? Right.
Baltimore +10 at Pittsburgh
Until he loses, betting against him is a fool's errand, especially with Ray Lewis hurt.