Thoughts on voting and the 2006 Country Music Association Awards

A little over 63 million votes were cast for the American Idol final, and a little over 110 million votes were cast for the Presidency of the United States in 2004. That doesn't say a whole lot, no matter how political or a-political you are. What does say a lot is that what "you" were voting for, when you voted for Taylor Hicks, was a Ford commercial. You see, American Idol has never been about finding a music star; it has ALWAYS been about finding someone who can sell rubber dildos during the evening news and make them look like pot holders. Taylor's next big hit will feature him awkwardly dancing in front of a Play Station® at BestBuy® singing something subliminal like "fuck the postman."

The central idea that Nashville can't grasp is that Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver, is a better country singer than Kenny Chesney. His voice and songwriting embody a more honest and authentic American spirit and search for rural hope among urban lies.

The central idea that Nashville can't grasp is that "Sober," by Tool, with it's alternately tuned Low E to a D guitar, howls of booze-soaked regret, and screaming distorted six string solo that's just this side of being a pedal steel wail, is an infinitely better Country Song than the god (little G) awful "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy."

What scared the shit out of Nashville was that, in 1981, when the Commodores released Love Songs, and the single, "Sail On," a black singer songwriter had captured the soul of country more crisply and cleanly than any of the bullshit they had in the pipe with Alabama and the mountain of garbage that was about to follow.

From : Country Music Association
Sent : Wednesday, June 28, 2006 11:40 AM
To :
Subject : Official 2006 CMA Awards Nomination Ballot

Dear Jack Sparks:

This is your official notification for the 2006 CMA Awards Nomination Ballot. Polls are now open and you may submit your ballot using the secure Internet voting system. Ballots are encrypted immediately upon receipt and your vote will be completely confidential.

To vote:
1. Have your CMA Member Number ready. (This was e-mailed to you yesterday. If you have misplaced your Member Number, you may call the CMA Office at 555-555-5555.)
2. Your unique PIN Number is XXXXXXXXXX
3. Click on this link: https://www.bullshitandcrap.com and enter your CMA Member Number and the PIN Number provided above.

If the link above does not automatically connect you to the voting site, open your web browser, then copy and paste this link into the address line https://www.escargotisreallysnails.com/2006. If you have any problems, please contact Election Services Corporation at someaddress@crooksrus.com or by phone at (866) 555-5555. (International callers dial 516-555-5555.)

Please remember that you, and only you, will be entitled to vote. If this email is forwarded to someone else, your PIN will not be reactivated. Voting Regulations are listed on the voting website. Failure to follow these rules can result in disqualification of your entire ballot.

Polls will close precisely at 5:00 PM/CDT on July 14, 2006

And the nominees are...

ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR
Alejandro Escovedo--The guy's got a crap liver and he's been to the cities twice in the last year. On top of everything else, when he's on his game, and he has purposefully put himself back on his game for these performances, he'll break your fucking heart. If you hear him do "I was drunk," live, you finally get it that he never actually calls out "her" name during the song. It's a very poignant moment in live performance that I've rarely witnessed. Gives me the chills.

FEMALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR
Tie - Tift Merritt and Jenny Lewis--Tift released an album's worth of live performances of her latest best songs. Jenny Lewis and her band released a record called Rabbit Fur Coat. They're the female co-vocalists of the year for different reasons: Tift for the uplifting quality of her record, Jenny for the dark murder of hers.

MALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR
Ryan Adams--This is a no brainer for me. See below.

HORIZON AWARD
Charlie Parr--Who knows who's the best "new" thing out there? Why not pick somebody from my own backyard? Charlie's record, Rooster on Eclectone Records is deep fried in chicken fat, salted with cigarette ash, and washed down with the Hamm's from dirty taps in an old St. Paul bar. You want to get some grease on your fingers and some fear in your soul? Go get a copy.

VOCAL GROUP OF THE YEAR
The Little Willies--I listened to their self-titled record once all the way through, then I went back and played the song "Roll On" over and over again about 50 times. You see, she's Ravi Shankar's daughter, and she likes to hang out with Willie Nelson. It all makes sense. Their rendition of "Nightlife" proves that it's a song about fucking sung by people who like to fuck, for people who like to fuck.

VOCAL DUO OF THE YEAR
Brooks & Dunn, they're going to win it anyway...Wham! always wins. I think it bears repeating that Nashville is full of duos where one guy wears a cowboy hat, and the other is kinda "kooky." Typically, one of them is a good singer, and the other is a passable musician of some sort. One smiles all the time, and the other broods. Blah blah blah. If they loaded all of these acts on an old milk cart and shoved it off of a very high cliff, NONE of us would be worse off. Was "Boot Scootin' Boogie" really central to our way of life in this country?

SINGLE OF THE YEAR
(Award goes to artist and producer) This assumes radio airplay, which is as phoney as the $3 bills Mick Anselmo hands out at Utica on Christmas Eve.

MUSICIAN OF THE YEAR
Jerry Douglas the Dobro Player in Union Station. Just accept it. He's better than everybody at everything.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Jacksonville City Nights--Eat shit Nashville. Look, the guy's got a lot of baggage, but this whole disk is a non-steroidal musical homerun. He coulda, shoulda, and woulda been the Wunderkind of Country if he gave a shit. Some might say he was ripping off Gram Parsons right after he ripped off Paul Westerberg; but, for me at least, that's exactly what he SHOULD have done. Because where Country IS, and where it oughta BE right now is somewhere between Westerberg and Parsons, and far far away from Honky Tonk fuckin' Badonkadonk.

MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR
(Award goes to artist and director) Who cares? Videos are what screwed everything up in the first place. Kenny Chesney is 5'2" tall and bald, but music videos make him look like he's the 6 foot tall big dicked regular on the fist fuck all star team. I'll go out on a limb and say whoever wins this category is the phoniest of the phoney bastards in Nashville today.

MUSICAL EVENT OF THE YEAR
Ryan Adams and Norah Jones on "Dear John" on Jacksonville City Nights--If you don't get the creeps listening to this song, you can't get the creeps.

SONG OF THE YEAR
(Award goes to songwriter and primary publisher) Tie, Roll On--The Little Willies, Cowgirl Hall of Fame--Joe West
My gal and her friends constantly talk about their no penalty star sandwich. The two celebrities you get to roll around with in a 3some with no penalties if the situation presents itself to you. My musical metaphorical star sandwich consists of Norah Jones and Kelly Willis singing "Roll On" and "They're Blind" while running their fingers through my hair on a warm summer day. If you need to excuse yourself to throw up now, be my guest. I'm just sayin.
If you don't have a copy of The Human Cannonball, by Joe West, you probably don't live in the extreme southwest corner of Colorado somewhere, eating spit roasted rabbits stuffed with homegrown jalapeno peppers. "Cowgirl Hall of Fame," should have been the theme song to the movie Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, even though there's a song of the same title sung by everybody including EmmyLou Harris.

I swear to God the Top 100 is coming. I'm mulling a revolutionary theory on where country went right now, and I gotta let it simmer in the sweltering heat a little bit. Chew on this in the meantime.