January 2007

And now, a word from the Possum

Q: What do you think about the state of country music today?

JONES: They say they're upgrading country music. I tell them they need to find a new title and let us have back our traditional country music. They've stolen our identity. I don't feel like the real thing will be back for quite a while. I'd like to see new artists recording traditional country music. Not for me. I just hate to see it not heard. I hate to see the new country artists not doing their thing because they're told what to do nowadays.

Kenny Chesney, Mick Anselmo, and Gregg Swedberg,
When George Jones gave that response in that interview he was talking about you, Mainstream Country radio, and the Nashville record companies. You're all still guilty. I just wanted to point it out one more time. Thanks for reading.

Posted by Jack Sparks at January 25, 2007 9:59 AM

Cash fuckin only

I'm through fucking around. Tomorrow and Saturday nights, The Cabooze will be doing it's annual Cash Only gig. Both nights, local bands will take the stage and play a theme or twist on the Johnny Cash legend for approximately a half hour or 45 minute sets.

Look, if you listen to K102 and spend your money on We Fest tickets, you're a fucking moron. That's not Country. That's a bunch of fucking peacocks and peahens faking it to rake in your dough. You're a fucking sucker. The only people getting paid on that shit are Kenny Chesney, Mick Anselmo and Greg Swedberg. And the three of them don't deserve to lick the sweat off of Johnny's dead balls.

Tomorrow night, a bunch of sad sack sweaty drunk fucks with guitars cobbled together with duct tape and bailing wire are going to pour their hearts into songs written 40 to 50 years ago, and they're going to try to imagine why those songs are relevant in a world with iPods and iToilets and the whole convuluted circle is going to strain with the weight of itself.

But you know what? It will be real people really celebrating the real Johnny Cash.

So, for the 7,564th time, fuck everyone who has anything to do with Mainstream Country Music. Please don't go to the Cabooze Friday or Saturday night. And if you do, try not to embarrass yourself by singing along with songs you have no idea of which the lyrics are (is that English?) This is two nights where we don't want you around. We want to labor under our assumptions of music as art, as substance, as a part of our heritage...and you can take that P1 demographic and shove it up your asses.

Posted by Jack Sparks at January 18, 2007 11:23 PM

What the Buck?

Buck Owens died in his sleep of an apparent heart attack on March 25, 2006, only hours after performing at his Crystal Palace restaurant, club and museum in Bakersfield. He had successfully recovered from oral cancer in the early 1990s, but had additional health problems near the end of the 1990s and the beginning of the 21st century, including pneumonia and a minor stroke suffered in 2004. These health problems had forced him to curtail his regular weekly performances with the Buckaroos at his Crystal Palace.

The Los Angeles Times interviewed longtime Owens spokesman (and Buckaroos keyboard player) Jim Shaw, who said Owens "had come to the club early and had a chicken-fried steak dinner and bragged that it's his favorite meal." Afterwards, Owens told band members that he wasn't feeling well and was going to skip that night's performance. Shaw said a group of fans introduced themselves while Owens was preparing to drive home; when they told him that they had traveled from Oregon to hear him perform, Owens changed his mind and took the stage, anyway.

Shaw recalled Owens telling the audience, "'If somebody's come all that way, I'm gonna do the show and give it my best shot. I might groan and squeak, but I'll see what I can do.'" Shaw added, "So, he had his favorite meal, played a show and died in his sleep. We thought, that's not too bad."[4]

Okay, so I took that off of Wikipedia. But, I've been out on the ice a few days this Winter, and all that time spent on a bucket, jigging over a hole really releases the synapses of my brain and lets things bubble to the surface.

Something has been bugging me since the Country Music Association Awards. I wasn't sure what it was at the time. It was just a gnawing feeling that I missed something that night...that I missed an opportunity to take my metaphorical Sawz-All to Nashville's knees one more time. The 40th Annual CMA's were as dumbed down and awful as they were any other given year. But what was it? What was bothering me?

Then it hit me. Where was the tribute to Buck Owens? Why wouldn't they carve 5 to 10 minutes out of the bullshit and bad jokes awkwardly delivered by the Country Wham, and have 3 to 5 singers or groups do a quick medley of Buck Owens tunes?

Let me put this into persepctive...Buck had a lot of #1 songs in the 60's all the way up until the time he took over on Hee Haw. You know who had more #1's? THE FUCKING BEATLES!

This can only be described as a calculated slap in the face to the legacy of a man who purposefully avoided Nasvhille until they drove a dump truck full of money up to his house and ruined his career with that Hee Haw bullshit. Aside from that, they never got their claws on him, and he simply overran them and their asinine machinations of America's music. There was not a single person in that building that night who deserved to polish the shit off of Buck's boots, and they should all be ashamed of taking part in a ceremony that so cowardly and hamfistedly ignored his importance to what they all are now.

This is just reason number 3,568 why Nashville can kiss my ass. There's not a single thing going on in that town that's worth a shit.

Posted by Jack Sparks at January 10, 2007 10:13 AM

Deck the Halls...

Throw out the 18 games he played as a September call-up in 1986, and Mark McGwire played 15 seasons. Be honest with yourself, and say, worried about his future after missing most of two seasons, and only playing 104 games in a third, he began to use something in 1996, and was on it for the 1996 through 1999 seasons, when he hit 52, 58, 70, and 65 homers, respectively. Throw out those four seasons, and the two where he was hurt (93 and 94), and add up the homers...317. Three hundred Seventeen, divided by 9 seasons equals 35 homers and change. Now, multiply those 35 homers by 15 fictional seasons, and you get 525 home runs.

What does this mean? You can Sabremetricize him into the Hall based on an adjusted average of his numbers, 500 homers is an automatic ticket. However, use that fictional 35 HR average again, and subtract the differences during his 4 astonishing seasons; if you give him his 35 homers a year through those years and subtract the rest, you take 105 dingers off of his 583 total, leaving him with 478 for his career. The Crime Dog, Fred McGriff, is the only other retired player with that many homers who's not in the Hall yet. But, that number is right about the spot in the order where the Hall tickets drop off, 500 really being a magic number of sorts.

I'm splitting hairs, but the numbers for me are 9 and 22. I don't think there's any doubt he cheated to get 9 extra homeruns in a season for the record, and 22 extra homeruns for 500 in a career. Without that now surpassed record, and that 500 plateau, we probably would be haggling over whether he belonged in the Hall, but it would be more along the lines of how folks are haggling over Blyleven right now, trying to work numbers to prove he was a dominant player of some sort. Without the juice, I think McGwire was a feared hitter to an extent, and, he was part of some great teams. But in my own tortured analysis of the situation, I just don't think he belongs in the Hall.

Posted by Jack Sparks at January 10, 2007 8:54 AM

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