I have humiliated myself and my family long enough. LNW! will be no more. After disappointing porn surfers for three-plus years, it is time to pull the plug.

Future footy coverage will be in the previously soccer-free zone of Balls.

There's a smart piece by Robert Weintraub in Slate about the miserably sorry state of Italian soccer. He hits on many of the points that have convinced me to not waste my time watching Serie A--match fixing, corrupt referees, fascists. Weintraub's prescription for change is radical:

Soccer is as important a part of Italian culture as espresso or opera, so it's hard to imagine the fat lady singing for the sport of Zoff, Maldini, and Cannavaro. But an extraordinary intervention is needed. The domestic leagues should be shut down for at least the rest of this year, and Italian clubs should be banned from European competition. The clubs should be punished for the criminal actions of ultras representing them. There also needs to be a cleaving between politics and sport. Private ownership should be encouraged, foreign if necessary, so that the decision-making and direction of the clubs don't go through layers of people with nonsoccer agendas. Mostly, the Italian Football Association needs to understand how farcical their sport appears to outside eyes. Only then can Italy's favorite game restore some of its former luster. Or at least climb out of the gutter to the level of, say, Major League Soccer.

I'll forgive him the dig at MLS. Read the whole piece.

That's 13-0 to the gringos in the last eight contests.

Yet last night's monumental 2-0 victory garnered zero coverage in the daily fishwrap. Sold-out stadium, 62,000 fans, national coverage on ESPN2 and Univision--and readers of the Pi Press wouldn't know a damn thing about it. The geniuses who edit the sports section did manage, however, to include a breakdown of the recruiting class for the Gopher women's soccer program.

Misogynists.

I'd cancel my $154 annual subscription if I didn't have to read it out of professional obligation.

(Yes, that's the great Jimmy Conrad celebrating his first international goal.)

This fabulous film is playing at the Walker Art Center this weekend. Word is that the Friday night viewing is already sold out so get your tickets now. Minnesota Thunder season ticket holders get a $2 discount. I wrote a brief review for this week's CP, but can't seem to find it on the web site. So I'll post here:

Prior to headbutting his way to global infamy last summer in Germany, Zinedine Zidane was crafting an exquisite swan song to his career, leading his French side on an improbable run to the World Cup final. This absorbing film serves as a more fitting capstone to his redoubtable career. It captures an April, 2005 club match between Zidane's Real Madrid and Villareal at the renowned Bernabeu stadium. The directors, Philippe Parreno and Douglas Gordon, utilized 17 different cameras to document Zidane's inimitable ball skills throughout the 90-minute contest. The filmmakers aren't really interested in the outcome of the game. When the crowd rises in mass indignation midway through the first half viewers are left to speculate about the inspiration for their outrage because the camera continues to linger lovingly on the number five shirt far from the action. Nor is this a highlight real. More time is devoted to watching beads of sweat drip from Zidane's chin than on establishing his footballing pedigree. But the enigmatic protagonist does finally reward viewers with a mind-bending second half run that is all the more thrilling owing to the extended build up. Naturally he also displays the fiery temper that would subsequently get him tossed out of the final game of his international career. (Paul Demko)

Wednesday night marks the real return of the U.S. men's national team. Pasting Denmark 3-1 was good for the team's soul after last summer's debacle in Germany, but it was a meaningless game against suspect opposition (note that the Denmark squad couldn't beat El Salvador or Honduras either).

Of course the Mexico match is also officially meaningless, but this rivalry has developed to the point where there's no such thing as a "friendly." Just a look at the rosters proves this point. Both teams have called in substantial additions from Europe to bolster their squads. Tim Howard, Carlos Bocanegra, Bobby Convey, and Clinton Dempsey have flown in for the U.S., while Mexico counters with Rafa Marquez (who looked fully fit for Barcelona in Sunday's draw with Osasuna), and Ricardo Osorio. In addition, new coach Hugo Sanchez has brought in a number of older players (Jared Borgetti, Cuauhtemoc Blanco) who aren't expected to be key figures in Mexico's 2010 World Cup qualifying plans.

"Obviously I think it's a statement that they take this game very seriously," U.S. coach Bob Bradley said in a conference call with reporters this afternoon. "We will wait to see, obviously, the decision in terms of who they put on the field to start."

Of course the U.S. has owned Mexico recently, compiling a 7-2-1 record since 2000 and going unbeaten in seven straight contests at home. If Bob Bradley can break his maiden against our southern neighbors on his first attempt it will be a significant step towards removing the interim tag from his title.

Other highlights from this afternoon's conference call:

On the rivalry with Mexico:

I have an expression that I use with the players a lot. When you're in a camp, at the end of the camp when you have a match the spotlight comes on. The spotlight in those 90 minutes tells a lot about everything that went on in the camp. We certainly know that when we play Mexico at the University of Phoenix stadium with the crowd that's anticipated, that spotlight will come on very, very brightly. ... Bruce always made sure that those teams really went after Mexico, and I think that's an important thing for us to be thinking about for Wednesday.

On Claudio Reyna's retirement:

I think Claudio is gong to be a very, very difficult player to replace. He had the ability to control the tempo of the game. His pure skill on the ball allowed him at times to slow the game down and give the game some pause when it was necessary. That's something that we'll need time to develop. We all recognize that Claudio has been a very special player for our national team, and certainly replacing him is a big challenge.

On the enigmatic Eddie Johnson:

Eddie is still a young player who we feel we must invest some time in. I think, like many other young players, when there's some early success then at times that also creates pressure, and with it there are ups and downs. We are trying hard just to create a good understanding with Eddie on what we expect everyday, trying hard to challenge him in training, show him little things. We still feel that he has come into camp with a good attitude, a good mentality to learn, and we feel that all of that bodes well for the future.

On his Mexican counterpart Hugo Sanchez:

Like everyone else, I read some of the quotes that come out of the Mexican camp, and I certainly can say that the mentality of Hugo Sanchez is to erase some of the results. That shows his competitiveness, which has always marked his career.

On being an interim coach:

I have not allowed this interim thing to factor into any part of it. I feel good with the work that [assistant coaches] Peter Nowak and Mike Sorber and Zach Abdel and myself have done, and now we are anxious to put it out on the field in an important game.

Folks will be gathering locally Wednesday evening at Brit's Pub to watch the match. Television coverage on ESPN2 and Univision begins at 8 p.m. CST.

And don't miss this tremendous interview with the redoubtable proprietor of du nord.

I wrote this blurb about David Simon for CP's Artist of the Year issue, which is slated to come out on December 27. Unfortunately someone else had already penned a tribute to Ed Burns, so my piece got shitcanned. But I figured I'd post it in this long neglected space so as to further disappoint the porn-blog surfers of the world.

The Wire is not an easy show to watch. The sheer number of characters--some five dozen, ebbing and flowing in their importance across the seasons--can make it bewildering. The dialogue, often salted with vernacular unique to the streets of West Baltimore, can make closed captioning seem like an appealing option. And the dense tangle of plot strains, from politics to drug cartels to public schools, can initially be overwhelming. But anyone who takes the time to soak up the rhythms of David Simon's unflinching dissection of life on the streets of Baltimore will be profoundly rewarded. The fourth season, which concluded last month, focused in part on the lives of four public school students on the cusp of joining the corner life. While this scenario is fraught with the kinds of saccharine cliches associated with after school specials, the execution was sublime. When Randy, the babyfaced kid who gets tarred as a police snitch, realizes that nobody--not his doting foster mom, not the police--can protect him, the impact is devastating. When Michael, the brooding, resolute guardian of his little brother, crosses the line from minor hoodlum to hitman, it's shocking. The borders between criminal and clean are constantly blurring on The Wire. At times you have more sympathy for Omar, the gay stick up man who stalks the streets wielding a sawed off shotgun, than you do for Tommy Carcetti, the white politician whose reform agenda is trumped only by his ambition. To quote Prez, the idealistic cop-turned-teacher: "No one wins. One side just loses more slowly."

I was in Dallas this weekend for the MLS Cup. Here's what I learned:

1. MLS is entering a new era. The so-called Beckham rule will shake things up in a manner not seen since the league opted to euthanize the two Florida franchises in 2001. I think the time is right. First prediction: Figo to New York.

2. Brian Ching keeps getting better and better. The MLS Cup MVP used to be notable mainly for his size, a formidable hunk of flesh and bone for defenders to worry about on set pieces and crosses. But he's developed into the most dangerous forward in the league, capable of sniping goals from the smallest of openings. He's got to be big in the offensive mix for whomever becomes the next U.S. coach.

3. The Dynamo fans were fantastic. Sure it's easy to support a team that arrives in town built to contend for a title. But success has not always insured fan support (see Wizards, Kansas City) in this league. The orange-clad masses turned Pizza Hut Park into a pronounced home-field advantage. Even more impressive was the percentage of Hispanic supporters among the Dynamo faithful. No other team in the league can boast such backing from Spanish-speaking fans.

4. The North Dallas suburbs remain a soul-less, strip-malled hellhole.

5. New England deserved to win this rather flaccid affair. The insertion of Clint Dempsey into the side in the second half provided a major boost of creativity and energy. The Revolution was the better side throughout the final 75 minutes. Houston, by contrast, showed little interest in attacking. With the exception of Dwayne DeRosario they played dull, nervous soccer.

6. Who from these two squads will be playing in Europe next year? Dempsey, Shalrie Joseph and DeRosario seem likely. I wouldn't be surprised if Ching (and maybe Noonan?) also joins the exodus.

7. Cheese is definitely the national food of Texas. Mass quantities of it were consumed at Aparicio's Restaurante Mexicana & Tequila Bar and Ciquita's.

8. Dave Dir is a very, very funny man. He should have his own late night comedy show, but he should not be put in charge of Dallas again.

Last week Bruce and I sat down with Minnesota Thunder coach Amos Magee. The hour-long conversation was candid and freewheeling. The first year coach, whose team finished tied for last place in the 1st Division this year, was optimistic about the team's prospects moving forward. Read the interview at Blue Sky Soccer.

When you spend as much time watching and thinking about soccer as I do your mind becomes horribly warped. You can't believe that the overwhelming majority of people you meet have no idea who Jeff Cunningham is, let alone that he became the first player in MLS history to lead the league in scoring despite playing for a team that did not make the playoffs.

So it was this psychological dislocation--coupled with the knowledge that the Bears were on a bye week--that led me to believe that the Chicago Fire would pack Toyota Park for Sunday's playoff opener against New England. After all I (and three of my similarly afflicted compatriots) was willing to spend 15 hours cramped in a car over two days simply to take in this grand spectacle. And the team's last two regular season home games had attracted upwards of 38,000 fans. Surely the Fire faithful would be out in force.

How wrong I was. A piddly 10,217 was the announced attendance, but I'm guessing the actual count was closer to 8,000. Whole swaths of the beautiful new stadium went untainted by butt prints. Of course it didn't help that it was a bone-chilling 39 degrees at kickoff, with a stiff wind making it feel much colder.

But after checking out the attendance statistics at the other three playoff venues this weekend, it seems that weather isn't the primary issue. In fact, Chicago had the second best attendance of the four games. Chivas (sunny and 85 degrees) drew a lackluster 15,110, while New York (sunny and 57 degrees) attracted a paltry 8,630 (half of them undoubtedly D.C. fans), and Colorado (cloudy and 35 degrees) sold a monumentally pathetic 4,176 tickets.

What's completely bewildering about this paucity of tickets sales is that MLS had ended the season on a high note attendance-wise. The last two weeks of the season saw an average of roughly 20,000 tickets sold per game--or 5,000 more than the average for the entire season. Perhaps wrongly, I attributed this uptick to late-season drama. After all, with just two games left in the season only one team (Columbus) had been eliminated from the playoffs.

But why would casual fans show up to see if their local squad makes the playoffs, but not for the post-season games themselves? It makes no sense.