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"Someone's always stealing my underwear and my toothpaste."

Filed under: Imported

At first I assumed that this bit of personal information was not intended for my consumption. But when I looked up from Richard Price's highly entertaining blackout diary in today's New York Times, it became clear that I was the only person in the coffee shop that could possibly absorb this hygiene dilemma.

The woman staring at me was wearing a blue t-shirt and matching gym shorts, both soaked through with sweat. Her face was flushed pink, undoubtedly owing to alcohol as much as the sun. "Those things are important because I'm homeless," she continued.

I tried to nod sympathetically, but really wanted to return to Price's tale of watching stranded Hamptons-bound Manhattanites flagging down gypsy cabs in Queens and ordering them to Southampton. She was not deterred, however, by my lack of interaction. Apparently, for reasons that were not explained, the same "sex offender" has been stealing her underwear, toothpaste and other personal items for years. This man, according to her, was also responsible for numerous Twin Cities bank heists, convenience-store robberies, rapes, murders, and even last year's mysterious Hudson, Wisconsin funeral-home deaths. "I've got three restraining orders against him," she said. "I'd like to cut his head off."

At this she proceeded to the restroom. I contemplated making a run for the exit before she could return, but decided to stay put. Upon exiting the bathroom (where she presumably did not brush her teeth) the monologue continued.

"It's because they've emptied out all the liquor stores and the pornography stores," she proclaimed. "It's a free-for-all bullshit trip and half the women end up dead."

She then departed.

Posted by Paul Demko at August 19, 2003 6:07 PM

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