April 2004

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And A Little Birdie Tells Me That Charley Walters is Dating Janet Jackson

Filed under: Imported

Please contemplate this outstanding tidbit from today's "Shooter" column:

Oops: I got one wrong. A note in my column last week reported that pop singer Christina Aguilera is a girlfriend of Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets. My source had it wrong and I had it wrong. My apologies to all.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 27, 2004 12:29 PM

 

LNW! Tip Sheet

Filed under: Imported

I've got a pretty remarkable streak of futility going at the racetrack. In two years of betting--encompassing roughly ten visits to Canterbury Park--I've not won a single wager. If you figure I bet on an average of seven races during each visit, this means I've managed to wrongly predict roughly 70 races in a row.

Luckily for my (non-existent) bankroll, this gambling has largely been restricted to $2 wagers. The most I've expended on any one race is $10 on a quarterhorse after receiving a tip up in the Canterbury press box that this particular beast ran well in the mud. (I don't recall where that doomed horse finished, but it certainly wasn't first.) A nadir of sorts was reached near the end of the 2002 season when two of the thoroughbreds I bet on failed to even finish their races.

In order to subsidize my cursed betting habit, I've long contemplated becoming a tout. Unlike most track hucksters, however, my tip sheet would announce which horse, based on my predictive incompetence, is destined to lose each race. Granted this would not guarantee tip-sheet customers a sure thing, but it would at least narrow the field of possible winners. I would sell this valuable piece of information for a buck at each meet. In addition, I would offer to refund the purchase price if--by some miracle--one of my horses actually won. (Of course, like any good tout, I might be forced to make myself scarce if this scenario actually played out.)

To prepare for this new line of work, I've been reading Scarne's New Complete Guide to Gambling, generously given to me by Mosedale recently. It's a fascinating, boastful, absurdly authoritative guide to one of the world's oldest, grandest--and financially ruinous--pastimes. (It was originally published in 1961, but I'm reading the updated 1974 version.) Consider, to cite just one example, this little nugget:

As to the employment of FBI agents in tracking down bookies all over the country, I agree with my friend, the late J. Edgar Hoover, former Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, who said, "The FBI has much more important functions to accomplish than arresting gamblers all over the country."

I couldn't agree more!

As for touts, Scarne provides some sage counsel for would-be gamblers:

All touts follow the same rule: Never give a sucker an even break. What the sucker should ask himself and seldom does are these questions: Why, if this guy's selections are so good, doesn't he have a fat bankroll? Why is he trying to get money by giving me winners? Why doesn't he use his own money to bet on these surefire tips? The answer, of course, is that the tout doesn't really believe in his own selections.

The genius of my idea is that it renders all these quibbles irrelevant. Not only do I promise to bet on all my projected winners (admittedly you must take this pledge on good faith), but the buyer of my tip sheet will have been duly warned not to make the same mistake. I'm still working out the specifics. If anyone would like to suggest a name for this endeavor, please shoot me an email. (So far I'm leaning toward "Soon To Be Glue") 

For now, I will offer up, gratis, as a favor to faithful LNW! readers, my pick in this Saturday's 130th running of the Kentucky Derby. It's a highly volatile field, with a full slate of 20 horses expected and no consensus favorite. Right now, The Cliff's Edge looks to be the bookmakers' top choice. I've flirted with putting my money behind Castledale, surprise winner of the Santa Anita Derby. And I'm smitten with the massive racing neophyte Rock Hard Ten. But ultimately I've settled on Smarty Jones, winner of the Arkansas Derby. The insiders say he can't hold out for 1 1/4 miles, but I don't believe that hokum.

So you've been warned: "Soon To Be Glue" says Smarty Jones will win the Derby.

(For a more informed opinion, the dean of horseracing scribes, Andy Beyer, will be chatting live at the Daily Racing Form web site this Wednesday at 7:30 p.m. CST.)

I'm off to New Orleans for JazzFest. Unless possessed by some insatiable urge to blog during the next 24 hours, no posting for a week or so.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 26, 2004 10:11 PM

 

LNW! The (Anti) Tip Sheet

Filed under: Stories

I've got a pretty remarkable streak of futility going at the racetrack. In two years of betting--encompassing roughly ten visits to Canterbury Park--I've not won a single bet. If you figure I probably bet on an average of seven races during each visit, this means I've managed to wrongly predict roughly 70 races in a row.

Luckily for my (non-existent) bankroll, this gambling has largely been restricted to $2 wagers. The most I've expended on any one race is $10 on a quarterhorse after receiving a tip up in the Canterbury press box that this particularly beast ran well in the mud. (I don't recall where that doomed horse finished, but it certainly wasn't first.) A nadir of sorts was reached near the end of the 2002 season when two of the thoroughbreds I bet on failed to even finish their races.

In order to subsidize my cursed betting habit, I've long contemplated becoming a tout. Unlike most track hucksters, however, my tip sheet would announce which horse, based on my predictive incompetence, is destined to lose each race. Granted this would not guarantee tip-sheet customers a sure thing, but it would at least narrow the field of possible winners. I would sell this valuable piece of information for a buck at each meet. In addition, I would offer to refund the purchase price if--by some miracle--one of my horses actually wins. (Of course, like any good tout, I might be forced to make myself scarce if this scenario actually played out.)

To prepare for this new line of work, I've been reading Scarne's New Complete Guide to Gambling, generously given to me by Mosedale recently. It's a fascinating, boastful, absurdly authoritative guide to one of the world's oldest, grandest--and financially ruinous--pastimes. (It was originally published in 1961, but I'm reading the updated 1974 version.) Consider, to cite just one example, this little nugget:

As to the employment of FBI agents in tracking down bookies all over the country, I agree with my friend, the late J. Edgar Hoover, former Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, who said, "The FBI has much more important functions to accomplish than arresting gamblers all over the country."

I couldn't agree more!

As for touts, Scarne provides some sage counsel for would-be gamblers:

All touts follow the same rule: Never give a sucker an even break. What the sucker should ask himself and seldom does are these questions: Why, if this guy's selections are so good, doesn't he have a fat bankroll? Why is he trying to get money by giving me winners? Why doesn't he use his own money to bet on these surefire tips? The answer, of course, is that the tout doesn't really believe in his own selections.

The genius of my idea is that it renders all these quibbles irrelevant. Not only do I promise to bet on all my projected winners (admittedly you must take this pledge on good faith), but the buyer of my tip sheet will have been duly warned not to make the same mistake.

I'm still working out the specifics. If anyone would like to suggest a name for this endeavor, please shoot me an email. (So far I'm leaning toward "Soon to be Glue") 

For now, I will offer up, gratis, as a favor to faithful LNW! readers, my pick in this Saturday's 130th running of the Kentucky Derby. It's a highly volatile field, with a full slate of 20 horses likely and no consensus favorite. Right now, The Cliff's Edge looks to be the bookmakers' top choice. I've flirted with putting my money behind Castledale, surprise winner of the Santa Anita Derby. And I'm tempted by the massive racing neophyte Rock Hard Ten. But ultimately I've settled on Smarty Jones, winner of the Arkansas Derby. The insiders say he can't hold out for 1 1/4 miles, but I don't believe this hokum.

So you've been warned: "Soon to be Glue" says Smarty Jones will win the Derby.

(For a more informed opinion, the dean of horseracing writers, Andy Beyer, will be chatting live at the Daily Racing Form web site this Wednesday at 7:30 p.m. CST.)

I'm off to New Orleans for JazzFest. No posting for a week or so.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 26, 2004 9:17 PM

 

Geert? Lutz? Matteo!

Filed under: Imported

"I felt good," said [Jeff] Matteo, who played most of last season with Columbus of Major League Soccer. "It was a good start and a good crowd."

The announced attendance at yesterday's Thunder opener: 3,567.

Number of people actually in the stands: 17.

That might be something of an exaggeration, but the crowd seemed truly paltry in the vast confines of the Metrodome. (On the upside this made it quite easy to smuggle in cans of beer and drink them without fear of reprisal.)

Other than the dearth of fans, it was a promising start, particularly considering that the team was without midfielders Godfrey Tenoff and, most significantly, Marco Ferruzzi. Then again, their opposition was the rather pitiful Calgary Mustangs, who compiled an atrocious record of 4-21-3 last season and don't look to be much improved. The Thunder controlled play, outshot the opposition 11-6, and coasted to a 2-0 victory. (It should be noted that the Mustangs did excel at one facet of the game: they outfouled the Thunder by a margin of 19-11.) Minnesota's only tense moment came late in the first half when Mustang Geert Brusselers flopped in the box and was awarded a dubious penalty kick. But Thunder 'keeper Joe Warren restored justice by making a terrific diving save.

The match was a relatively stress-free way for Minnesota's overhauled roster (they started six new players) to dirty their cleats. Jeff Matteo was the real eye-opener. Just a few minutes into the match, the 23-year-old midfielder played a lovely ball over the top of the Calgary defense, freeing Marshall Morehead on the right flank. Unfortunately, Morehead completely skunked the opportunity, crossing the ball straight to a Calgary defender. Then in the 24th minute, Matteo set up Johnny Menyongar with a perfectly weighted through ball that the forward calmly deposited in the back of the net.

It was more Matteo after the break. A few minutes into the second half he took a free kick from just outside the penalty area and delivered a brilliant bending ball into the upper left-hand corner of the net. Mustang goalie Lutz Pfannenstiel could only watch it go by. Matteo exited a few minutes later to chants of his name (from at least five of us anyway).

The other newcomer who distinguished himself was defender Chris Brunt. The burly former Kansas City Wizard was a menace in the back, punishing the Mustang forwards each time they attempted to get past him. Brunt also proved surprisingly quick moving up the flank when the opportunity arose.

The Thunder play two road games before christening their new home, James Griffin Stadium in St. Paul on May 15th.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 26, 2004 3:55 PM

 

Ready Steady Stoned

Filed under: Imported

Sunday at 5 p.m. the Minnesota Thunder open their season at the Metrodome against the Calgary Mustangs. Here's what I wrote for this week's  A List in City Pages

For a team that advanced to the A League championship last year, the Minnesota Thunder have undergone a surprisingly radical overhaul. The most dynamic player during last year's playoff run, Johnny Torres, has defected to arch-nemesis Milwaukee. This means the offense will be even more reliant on diminutive speedster Johnny Menyongar for goals. The key playmaker in midfield will once again be cagey veteran Marco Ferruzzi, but he should get ample support from imports Godfrey Tenoff (South Africa) and Michael Wilson (New Zealand). Perhaps the biggest question mark is defense, where Dustin Branan, last year's surprise standout, will be joined by fellow youngsters Chris Brunt and Kevin Friedland. But the most momentous change for the Thunder has nothing to do with personnel: After today's opener at the Metrodome, the team will move to its new urban home, James Griffin Stadium in St. Paul.

A couple of other points worth noting:

1. Most significantly, Feruzzi is now on the shelf for Sunday's game. He sprained his knee yesterday while practicing at the Metrodome, the latest victim of the facility's new turf. I'm not familiar enough with this year's roster (which features 12 new players) yet to make a definitive assessment, but last season Feruzzi proved the one irreplaceable component of the team. His ability to hold the ball in the midfield, and his marvelous vision and distribution, are qualities not often found in A League players. Newcomers Jeff Mateo, Tenoff, and Wilson will have to step up.

2. Andy Wattenhofer and Bruce McGuire have created a fine new Thunder supporters site, Blue Sky Soccer. Hopefully I'll be contributing in some way as the season proceeds. 

3. Aforementioned soccer geeks, and others including myself, will be gathering pre-game Sunday to drink beverages possibly containing alcohol and eat food, a practice popularly known as "tailgating."

3. Despite the Thunder's move to St. Paul, the Pioneer Press still won't assign a beat writer to cover the team. This is ridiculous. I'd cancel my subscription, but nobody else at City Pages regularly reads the damn thing. Michael Rand will once again be covering the team for the Strib.

4. I just received the figgs' forthcoming album in the mail. It's brilliant. They're at the Triple Rock on the 30th. More on this later.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 23, 2004 3:29 PM

 

Hangdogs R.I.P.

Filed under: Imported

The Hangdogs, one of my favorite country-rock groups of recent years, have called it quits, at least temporarily. (The good news is that the bilious, hilarious Hangdoggerel newsletter will continue.)

I first became aware of the 'Dogs when I was an intern at New York Press in the mid-90's. The band's drummer, Kevin Baier, preceded me as an unpaid laborer at the paper and was then overseeing the personal ads. The Hangdogs had just self-released (or were about to anyway) their remarkable debut EP, Same Old Story and were gigging regularly at the Rodeo Bar and the Mercury Lounge.

In their decade or so of existence, the band released five albums and recorded at least two songs that will forever be on my personal permanent playlist. "Monopoly on the Blues" is the heartbreaking tale of the death of lead singer and chief songwriter Matthew Grimm's hometown of Stanwood, Iowa. The song's lyrics encapsulate the fate of so many small Midwestern towns with stark precision:

And the Legionaires come around Wednesday nights since the Legion Hall burnt down
And we hear about their wives and wars and buy em a couple rounds
And on Friday nights the farmer's sit and bitch about the drought
They been bitching here forever, now they're talkin 'bout selling out

"Hey, Janeane" is a different monster altogether. Ostensibly a peon to the actress (it opens with Garofolo cackling), it's really about grim disillusionment with the world--a omnipresent theme for the 'Dogs. This line pretty much sums up their world view: "Well I realized you were the girl of my dreams, or close enough, when I realized that neither of us had a dream left to speak of." Grimm delivers the vocals with sneering, nasally aplomb, while Baier and crackerjack guitarist Automatic Slim lay down a rollicking backdrop. 

In recent years, the Hangdogs have become more stridently political. (One of my favorite pieces of clothing is a Nader t-shirt emblazoned with the slogan "I lived through an era of 'unparalleled prosperity' and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" that the 'Dogs pedaled at shows during the 2000 campaign.) Their most recent album, Wallace '48, was named in honor of the late vice president and Progressive Party standard bearer. (I did a Q&A with Grimm last year when the album came out.)

Grimm has returned to Iowa to deal with "family issues." He's playing some solo shows locally and writing new material. In fact, when I emailed him to see if he had any plans to play the Twin Cities (for now, the answer is no) Grimm requested some advice on naming a recent song.

I just wrote a song whose refrain is

"We'll fuck fuck fuck till the dawn's early apocalypse"

do i call the song "Fuck Fuck Fuck" or "Dawn's Early Apocalypse"?

Posted by Paul Demko at April 21, 2004 8:24 PM

 

Is This Funny? Tragic? Prescient?

Filed under: Imported

I can no longer tell.

A few days later Chalabi called up in the middle of the night to say he had a present. His "Battalion 316," the covert Iraqi police unit John had had the agency guys train, had finally accomplished its mission. We drove out to an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Baghdad. Inside were the bodies of 20 Iraqi men, lined up side by side, all with bullet holes in their heads. They had monobrows and bushy mustaches, but they were all dressed in identical black and white Catholic habits. They looked suspiciously like the Shia workers we had supplied Chalabi to handle the domestic service duties in his mansion.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 20, 2004 4:02 PM

 

Landmark Theaters Press Release

Filed under: Stories

For Immediate Release

April 15, 2004

Contact: Chris Conry at (651) 451-6240 or chrisconry2000@hotmail.com.

United Food and Commercial Workers Union Local 789

Dan Schneidkraut at 612-870-3483 or xgraveviolatorx@yahoo.com.

Landmark Theatre's Uptown Theatre

Movie Theatre Workers file for Union election with UFCW Local 789.

Workers poised to take on Texas basketball mogul.

On Wednesday, April 14th the workers at all three of Landmark Theatre's Twin Cities movie theatres filed a petition for a Union election with the National Labor Relations Board. Employees of the popular "art-house" theatres, the Edina Cinema in Edina, MN and the Lagoon Cinema and the Uptown Theatre in Minneapolis, MN, have petitioned to join the United Food & Commercial Workers Union Local 789 of South St. Paul, MN. If successful, these workers will create the first unionized movie theatre in the State of Minnesota.

"We love our jobs. We love movies. We like the people we work with. We just want to be able keep our jobs, pay our rent, and be appreciated for what we contribute," Lagoon Cinema worker Emily Davis explained. Landmark Theatres doesn't offer full-time positions to any of its regular local employees. Recent cutbacks in hours and unpredictable scheduling have created problems for Landmark's workers, most of whom live in the City of Minneapolis. With a $6.80/hr wage cap at the Lagoon Cinema and Uptown Theatre, many workers hold two, sometimes three jobs in order to remain self-sufficient.

Nine-year employee, Sybil Smith explains, "I'm really proud of what we're building here. Sometimes workers like us are just invisible. We appreciate our customers. We like the same movies they do. We hope they'll support us as we try to protect our jobs." Landmark's workers and the UFCW Local 789 intend to take this case to the movie-going public throughout the organizing campaign.

"The issue here is that Landmark Theatres has changed. The independent art-house theatres are getting bought out by entertainment empires," Uptown Theatre worker Dan Schneidkraut explained, "the movies they show, the way they're managed, it's changed as theatre owners have gotten farther and farther away." In September of 2003 Landmark Theatres was purchase by 2929 Entertainment Company which is co-owned by Dallas Maverick's owner, Mark Cuban. Landmark Theatres Corporation was founded in 1974 and operates 57 theatres with 204 screens in 14 states across the U.S.

The UFCW Local 789 is part of the 1.4 million United Food and Commercial Workers International Union, AFL-CIO. Local 789 has 7500 members and represents workers in the grocery stores, drug stores, book stores, nursing homes, meat packing plants, and manufacturing and laundry facilities.

# # #

Posted by Paul Demko at April 15, 2004 6:17 PM

 

Landmark Labor Dispute

Filed under: Imported

Employees at the three Landmark movie theaters in Minneapolis (Edina, Lagoon, Uptown) are seeking to join United Food and Commercial Workers Local 789. The UFCW filed for an election today with the National Labor Relations Board looking to represent 40 employees of the chain, which has 57 theaters in 14 states. (NBA pooh-bah Mark Cuban is among the company's owners.) According to Local 789, three quarters of those workers have signed cards saying they wish to unionize.

Wages and scheduling are two of the chief complaints of employees. "What they don't like is coming to work and then being told to go home," says Local 789 organizer Bernie Hesse. He expects the company to vigorously fight the union drive. "This will get pretty dirty," Hesse says. "It's a big company. They want to squash anything they can."

An election will be held sometime in the next six weeks.

UPDATE: I've posted the press release from UFCW Local 789.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 14, 2004 5:34 PM

 

Gary Benchley Is Back

Filed under: Imported

Watching her cry, I knew Benchley had hit bottom. I had reached the mythical state of total anti-rock, which I call 'Train,' after the band. When the head of every drum is torn, and all guitars out of tune, when the microphone melts in your hand, that's Train, and I was in Train all the way up to my drops of Jupiter.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 14, 2004 11:04 AM

 

The Northern Alliance

Filed under: Imported

Minnesotans can be proud to know that some native sons are representing on right-wing talk radio. The Northern Alliance Radio Network has been running locally on The Patriot, AM-1280, for several weeks now on Saturday afternoons. I regret to admit that I've only caught snippets of it so far, being as they're up against the redoubtable Jack Sparks.

This afternoon (and again tomorrow), however, the cadre of conservative bloggers went national, guest-hosting the Hugh Hewitt show. (Lileks has long been a regular on the program.) For talk radio neophytes, they seem to be holding their own: foaming at the mouth about the Gorelick memo, ranting about the liberal media, and glorifying John Ashcroft.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 13, 2004 7:16 PM

 

Wally Wakefield Defense Fund

Filed under: Imported

Doug Grow details the latest on the saga of Wally Wakefield in today's Strib. Wakefield's the Maplewood Review reporter who has refused to reveal his sources and is now facing a court-imposed fine of $200 per day. It's an absurd, sad tale of one poor motherfucker standing up for his Constitutional rights so that the rest of us won't have to.

The Strib has started a relief fund. Make checks payable to the Wally Wakefield Defense Fund, and send to P.O. Box 8115, Minneapolis, MN 55408.

My chronically broke ass just wrote out a check for a paltry $20.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 13, 2004 3:02 PM

 

A Question for the Democrats

Filed under: Imported

Can you guys please do something with John Kerry? I realize that he's your candidate for president and everything, but does that mean we need to actually see him all the time? Team W. is doing a fine, fine job of imploding all on its own. Perhaps you could ship Kerry off to visit his cousin in France? Or perhaps you could arrange to have Clinton's memoir released just before the election? Anything to distract us from Kerry. Please.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 13, 2004 12:34 PM

 

More Ado About Adu

Filed under: Imported

I've consumed more Fredua Koranteng Adu content in the last 48 hours than is intellectually justifiable, and by far the best piece is this cautionary tale in The Guardian by Amy Lawrence, "The Next Pele, or the Next Nii Lamptey."

Posted by Paul Demko at April 4, 2004 5:36 PM

 

MLS Opener

Filed under: Imported

Adu, Adu, Adu, Adu, Adu--and the First XI

Posted by Paul Demko at April 3, 2004 12:11 PM

 

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