December 2004

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2004: What A Year!

Filed under: Imported

I wish I could remember the details.

Thanks to everyone for your help with the cute, diseased puppies story. I was overwhelmed by the response. It's wonderful that so many people take time during this busy holiday season to help these poor, lovable creatures. Who knew that Jimmy Gaines has done so much for cute, diseased puppies?

Even though I have vanquished the cute, diseased puppies story, this blog will remain dormant through the new year. That's because I'm off to Delaware and then London. The latter leg of this trip will likely be the more enjoyable.

My brother and I have tickets for Fulham v. Birmingham City at Craven Cottage on the 28th. I am quite excited. Even though I pretend to be an enlightened footy geek I've never been to a match in England. Hopefully we'll catch another game on New Year's Day. It looks like Charlton v. Arsenal, Queens Park Rangers v. Brighton, and Leyton Orient v. Kidderminster are all possibilities.

Merry Christmas! 

Posted by Paul Demko at December 23, 2004 4:11 PM

 

Urgently Needed: Stories About Adopted Puppies!

Filed under: Imported

It's been brought to my attention that this blog has not been updated for some 10 days. I apologize, but there's a good reason for this lack of content: I've been deep in the weeds on a cover story about cute, diseased puppies and the kind people who adopt them from the pound during the holiday season.

Unfortunately I have been unable to locate any cute, diseased puppies or people who have adopted cute, diseased puppies. I'm afraid that my journalistic training may have insufficiently prepared me for this assignment.

Have you, dedicated reader of LNW!, recently adopted a cute, diseased puppy? Or do you know of anyone who has recently adopted a cute, diseased puppy? If so please contact me ASAP! 

Posted by Paul Demko at December 21, 2004 2:58 PM

 

Misc. Debris

Filed under: Imported

1. I wrote a story about bank robbers for this week's CP. It sucks by comparison to this masterful profile of redoubtable bank robber, prison escape artist, and jailhouse litigator Larry Caldwell.

2. The Oxford American has (yet again) resurfaced. The magazine's fourth incarnation under founding editor Marc Smirnoff will be published quarterly. This time around they're banking on a relationship with the University of Central Arkansas and nonprofit status to keep the publication financially solvent. I received the first issue in the mail yesterday and it's typically wonderful. In particular I enjoyed John T. Edge's profile of Piggly Wiggly founder Clarence Saunders and Matt Dellinger's take on the proposed Great River Bridge connecting the Arkansas Delta to the Mississippi Delta.

3. The B-Dalton bookstore in Golden Valley is going out of business at the end of the year. All merchandise is currently 30 percent off. Their inventory is somewhat crappy--leaning heavily towards thrillers and romance novels--but as of yesterday it was still fairly well stocked. I found a couple of novels by my favorite hardboiled crime writer, George Pelecanos, selling for about $5.

                                            

Posted by Paul Demko at December 11, 2004 11:10 AM

 

Breaking News: LNW! Boycott of Palm Desert National Bank Called Off!

Filed under: Imported

They're giving back my $80.

I rescind all that stuff about them being "thieving corporate fucks."

Posted by Paul Demko at December 10, 2004 4:15 PM

 

LNW! Boycott of Palm Desert National Bank

Filed under: Imported

Apparently I overestimated the power of this blog to wreak economic havoc. Three days into the boycott there appears to have been little detrimental impact on Palm Desert National Bank. 

In fact I can not even get the nefarious financial institution to return a phone call. Each of the last three days I've left a voicemail message for one Bobbie Raymer (sp?), whom I'm told is the person to handle my grievance. But Ms. Raymer has so far studiously ignored these messages. Tomorrow I'm upping the ante: phone calls every hour.

Posted by Paul Demko at December 9, 2004 5:31 PM

 

Uncle Phil and Aunt Phyllis in the Month After the Election

Filed under: Imported

On Saturday night at the 400 Bar Patterson Hood read a funny little story that he'd written about a long-married couple driven to despising each other owing to divergent political views. He's now posted it online (along with a slew of DBTs news). Here's a taste:

On Election Day eve, Phyllis made Phil his favorite casserole, laced with enough Xanax to leave him comatose for at least three days. Phil however was suspicious and fed most of it to their cats, rendering them all unconscious for a week and a half. He retaliated by hiding her dentures and rearranging the wires to the distributor cap on Aunt Phyllis' Taurus. He left for the polling station at the crack of dawn, leaving her still snoring on the Tempurpedic.

(Cribbed from largehearted boy)

Posted by Paul Demko at December 8, 2004 5:00 PM

 

Jeb Bush in '08

Filed under: Imported

Anyone know where I can get a bumper sticker emblazoned with this slogan for my automobile?

Posted by Paul Demko at December 8, 2004 4:29 PM

 

Breaking News: LNW! Calls for Boycott of Palm Desert National Bank

Filed under: Imported

Back in October, as I was about to board a plane at JFK airport in New York, I stopped to get some cash from an ATM. It was one of those obnoxious machines that gouges you $2 in order to dispense money, but there didn't appear to be any other options.

I requested $100. The machine gave me $20. The receipt, however, indicated that $100 had been removed from my account. At the time, I was (as usual) broke. It was a real bummer.

When I got home I contacted Wells Fargo. They told me that they would take up the issue with the company that owned the machine. In the meantime they credited my account for the $80. I assumed that would be the end of the matter.

Yesterday, however, I received a letter from Wells Fargo informing me that my claim for $80 had been rejected. According to the company that owns the pertinent ATM, an outfit called Palm Desert National Bank, the machine properly dispensed $100. The letter further informed me that within five business days Wells Fargo will be removing the $80 from my checking account that I'd been credited.

These thieving corporate fucks are trying to steal my money.

Today I called Wells Fargo and bitched at the gentleman who conducted the investigation. He faxed me the transaction log from the ATM. Sure enough it indicates that $100 was dispensed to me. 

Now I've got no choice but to take this up with Palm Desert National Bank. I've got a call out to them but haven't heard back. I'm not sure what I can do though. It's basically my word against this stupid machine. Who do you think they'll believe? I am powerless.

All I have is this blog.

Loyal readers, I implore you: Stop surfing for porn and join this righteous crusade. Henceforth do no conduct any businesss with Palm Desert National Bank. Do not borrow money from them or store your savings with them or engage in any other form of economic transaction with them. We will financially cripple this nefarious financial institution. We will bring them to their knees.

I want my $80.

Posted by Paul Demko at December 7, 2004 5:37 PM

 

Footyball

Filed under: Imported

1. Excellent piece in Slate today by Daniel Gross detailing Malcolm Glazer's ham-fisted attempt to buy Manchester United.

2. Jack Bell has an interesting, and somewhat perplexing, story in today's Times (second item) on the fate of Canadian striker Olivier Occean. The Southern Connecticut State grad was originally drafted by MLS club the MetroStars, but when the team dawdled in signing him Occean inked a three-year deal with a Norwegian club. Now he's expected to be sold for more than $1 million. It's this kind of buffoonery from MLS that will keep the league from becoming financially solvent.

3. The Minnesota Thunder have created a new supporters section for the 2005 season at The Jimmy. The area behind the visiting team's bench will be set aside for morons like myself so that we can heap abuse on the opposing team without offending other patrons. Season ticket packages for the section start at just $79.

Posted by Paul Demko at December 7, 2004 4:58 PM

 

Patterson

Filed under: Imported

Patterson Hood was getting over a cold last night at the 400 Bar. Even on a good night, the DBTs frontman's voice is a raspy howl. This was something different. Hood declared it his Tom Waits set, which is about right.

Despite his depleted vocal chords, Hood plowed gamely on. Equipped with just a guitar and numerous liquids (bottled water, Jack Daniels, Heineken), he delivered 90 minutes of stripped down rock n' roll.

It was a modest, but enthusiastic crowd, perhaps 60 folks. Hood's a ragged, enthusiastic guitar player, not quite in the same league as his bandmates Mike Cooley and Jason Isbell, but amusing to watch.

The highlights came as much from his early DBTs songs as from his new solo album. Early on he kicked out a sneering version of "Margo and Harold," as well as a fabulous stripped down, laconic rendering of "Sinkhole." This was followed by his heart-rending take on Tom T. Hall's tale of an alcoholic housewife, "Pay No Attention To Alice." (As Sparks noted, this was worth the $12 alone.)

The songs off the new album didn't play as well. Neither "Phil's Transplant" or "Uncle Disney" (a song I love) did much for me last night. By mid-show Hood seemed a little weary of the whole exercise, perhaps wondering why he'd dragged his sick ass to Minnesota in December to play two measly shows.

But after another shot of Jack Daniels he closed the show out with a couple of knee-buckling numbers. I'd never seen him play "The Night G.G. Allin Came to Town" (that I can remember anyway), a great song about boredom and alienation from Pizza Deliverance. It contains this immortal line: "Punk rockers paid $12 to be shit on!"

For an encore, with his vocals pretty much shot, Hood somehow howled his way through "The Living Bubba." He's done this song every time I've seen the DBTs. It's the sad, inspiring tale of Gregory Dean Smalley, a Georgia rocker who died of AIDS. Hood played it with the fervor of recent discovery.

He'll be back at the 400 Bar tonight. Hopefully his voice will be in better shape.

On another note, I'll be joining Sparks on The Mighty 1220 from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. this afternoon for "The Other Side of Country."

 

Posted by Paul Demko at December 4, 2004 1:05 PM

 

Death to the Fornicators!

Filed under: Imported

This story in the Washington Post about federally funded abstinence-only programs in schools is truly astounding.

It's quite amusing that kids are being told they risk unwanted pregnancy by engaging in mutual masturbation.

More disturbing is the assertion that half of all gay male teenagers have tested positive for the AIDS virus. 

But the most nefarious statistic being pedaled to kids is that condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse. This is such an outrageously irresponsible lie that you can only reach one conclusion: these folks want kids who have pre-marital sex to die.

UPDATE: Here's the congressional report that the Post story is based on.

Posted by Paul Demko at December 2, 2004 9:50 AM

 

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