April 2006

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My new least favorite player in MLS is Dario Sala, goalkeeper for FC Dallas. And it's not because he's old and incompetent--although he certainly is both of those things.

No, Sala earns this elite honor for his theatrical gifts. Did you catch his performance on Sunday against Kansas City? After Dallas managed a one-goal lead, Sala did everything short of defecate on the field to waste time.

Particularly disgraceful in this regard was his mock injury when Josh Wolf inadvertently nicked him while charging in on goal. The contact was exceedingly minimal, the kind of thing a three-year-old could brush off without shedding a tear. But Sala flopped around on the ground like he'd been beaten by the LAPD.

Now I realize that these kinds of shenanigans are an accepted part of play throughout most of the world. But that doesn't mean I have to accept it. I find Italian league matches--despite the incredible skill on display--almost unbearable to watch. The shameless prima donnas and spineless referees make for an excruciating mix. If the refs actually attempted to accurately tabulate the amount of time wasted during "injuries" each game would have at least 15 minutes of added time.

This is one aspect of the game that the U.S. doesn't need to import. If soccer players don't want to be perceived as pansies (as they are by so much of the U.S. sports media), then they shouldn't act like pansies.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 26, 2006 4:19 PM

 

I shot these photos at practice on Wednesday

Dustin Branan

Freddy Juarez

Amos Magee directing his charges

Dustin on the ball

Melvin Tarley

Posted by Paul Demko at April 21, 2006 2:50 PM

 

I aspire to be the male Meg White

There are a lot of unanswered questions about this year's Minnesota Thunder squad. Rookie coach in Amos Magee. Heavily re-vamped roster. Here's my take:

1. Dustin Branan is back. After a one-year hiatus riding the pine in Kansas City, he will anchor the revamped four-man back line. Last year the squad sorely missed his tenacity, vocal leadership, and aerial dominance. His presence makes the defense instantly better. He'll be joined in the center by younger brother Brett, with Zafer Kilickan and Kevin Friedland on the flanks. Add in veteran goalkeeper Joe Warren and this squad will be extremely difficult to break down. (Alfredo Esteves and Chad Dombrowski will eventually fit into the mix defensively as well.)

2. Johnny, Jay, and Jeff. The team lost three of its most dynamic attacking players during the offseason. Johnny Menyongar (51 goals in six seasons with the club), as explosive on the ball as any forward in the league, decamped to Rochester. Jay Alberts, the team's tireless outside midfielder who scored a couple of incredible long-range goals last year, will be suiting up for Vancouver. And Jeff Matteo, the team's only credible threat on set pieces, has landed in Charleston (along with former Thunder defender Chris Brunt).

3. Can anyone on this team pass? Nobody on this roster could legitimately be deemed a creative playmaker. Godfrey Tenoff is probably best suited to this role, but he's stuck in South Africa and will miss the opener. Even with Tenoff in the mix, this team will struggle to keep possession and set up the attack.

4. Who will handle set pieces? Matteo was, by far, the best free kick sniper on the team last year. Whatever his flaws (defensively indifferent, tendency to fight with his own teammates), Matteo could be counted on to strike a couple of dazzling balls into the back of the net each season. When he was out of the lineup last year, the team was terrible on free kicks. Kilickan, despite being roughly 87 years old, might be one decent option.

5. Speed, speed, speed. This team could be dangerous up top. Nate "Pickles" Knox didn't show much offensive spark last year, but he's a credible target forward with superb ball skills. If he can hold the ball and pick out speedsters Melvin Tarley and Aaron Paye, this team will score some goals. After a disappointing stint in MLS, Tarley should be poised for a huge year. When motivated, his combination of speed, strength, and grit is unmatched in the 1st Division.

6. What will Nate Winkel bring to the squad? After a five year hiatus, and a stint playing professionally in Sweden, Winkel returns to his hometown team. The midfield could use some additional spark. He's been hobbled by a groin injury in the pre-season.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 21, 2006 10:20 AM

 

Does anyone know a good place to purchase some kazoos?

Sunday is the Minnesota Thunder's home opener. 3 p.m. at The Jimmy. They play the Seattle Sounders, 1st Division defending champions, but better known in these parts for being the team of facekicker Roger Levesque. The jackassery envisioned is on a scale seldom witnessed. A few things to note:

1. There will be FREE BEER at the tailgate. I've pledged two cases of alcohol towards this noble endeavor. (Do you think I can write this off on my taxes as a charitable contribution?) Festivities begin at noon in the Central High School parking lot.

2. Admission to the game is free.

3. Rookie coach Amos Magee will be on the P.A. & Dubay show tomorrow morning at 9:20 a.m.

4. Recent interviews that I've conducted with Magee, defender Dustin Branan, and midfielder Freddy Juarez are posted at Blue Sky Soccer.

5. I'll post my initial assesment of this year's squad here tomorrow, along with some photos I snapped at yesterday's practice.

5. Again: FREE BEER

Posted by Paul Demko at April 20, 2006 3:23 PM

 

Your authoritative source for Togo futbol news

The Dirty South was my least favorite Drive-By Truckers' album. It felt like they were trying too hard to solidify their newly minted position as standard-bearers for the Revival of Southern Rock. With the exception of a few songs ("Puttin' People on the Moon," "Carl Perkins' Cadillac," and especially "God Damn Lonely Love") it didn't grab hold of me the way their previous albums--even the raw, early stuff--had. Patterson Hood's trilogy of songs about Alabama and Buford Pusser, in particular, I found uninteresting.

A Blessing and a Curse, which hit stores today, is a very different album. The epic narratives and political undercurrents of its predecessor are nowhere to be found. The songs are grim, personal, intimate--and often gorgeous. Sonically the album's much more wide open, taking its cues from Big Star more than Lynyrd Skynyrd.

There are a lot of things to like here: Jason Isbell's eloquent piano fills on "Goodbye"; this Hood line from "Wednesday": "They say every man's house should be his palace/but his castle stank of cat shit and alone"; Isbell's soulful falsetto on the devastating "Daylight"; even Mike Cooley's poignantly awkward vocals on "Space City."

But my favorite song is the title track. A simple, thumping drum beat leads the way. A crunching guitar line follows, soon joined by another. And then another. Finally, more than a minute in, Hood howls his way into the song. It's about money and dreams come true and unintended consequences. The protagonist is a wealthy fuck up. He might be a rock star. I'm not really sure. And don't particularly care. Here's my favorite verse:

Is this how you're gonna write your story?

Down in your time as a high-flying flame out

Sucking what's left of your trust fund?

Sucking on the end of a shot gun

Buy it. As an added bonus, if you purchase the album at the Electric Fetus (or other select stores), you get a four-track bonus disc.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 18, 2006 4:28 PM

 

The new Drive-By Truckers album will be in stores tomorrow

Tonight Anderson and I are being awarded the Frank Premack Memorial Award. This honor is being bestowed upon us for our article "The Hit Parade Revisited."

Unfortunately the fine folks who are putting together the awards dinner failed to inform me about it until last Thursday. And I have a serious conflict: my fantasy baseball draft! So I'm going to miss the rubber chicken dinner. Hopefully I'll get there in time for our acceptance speech. I plan to plug Sunday's Thunder home opener.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 17, 2006 3:36 PM

 

This post brought to you by Zatarain's rice and beans

1. What the hell is going on with New England? I felt confident that they would come blazing out of the gate and be the best team in MLS. The only real questions in my mind were whether they could hold things together during the World Cup without several key players and whether the tougher competition in the Eastern Division would deny them the MLS Supporters' Shield. The Revolution's results so far: 1-1-1. But more bewildering is the fact that they've managed to score just one goal in those three contests. With a nucleus of attacking players who have been playing together for several years now (Taylor Twellman, Pat Noonan, Clint Dempsey, Steve Ralston, Andy Dorman, Shalrie Joseph), this team should be lighting up the scoreboard. But they looked utterly anemic against K.C. on Saturday. If not for Matt Reis's goalkeeping heroics, it could've easily been 3-0. Taylor Twellman, in particular has shown nothing this season. Usually one of the most active forwards in the league, against K.C. I don't think he touched the ball in the first 30 minutes of the game. And when Twellman finally did manage to get the ball at his feet he proceeded to trip over it. Not what you want to see from a guy who is almost certain to be on the U.S. roster for the World Cup.

2. I pity Clarence Goodson. He's a good defender. Goofy and a bit hamfisted at times, but also young and talented. He had a comically horrible game for Dallas Saturday night against Colorado. First, he inexplicably threw a hand in the way of a not particularly dangerous ball into the box, leaving referee Michael Kennedy no choice but to award a penalty kick. Then he scored a goal for the wrong team, bungling the ball into his own net. Finally, Goodson seemed to redeem himself a few minutes later, poking a ball into the appropriate net in a gutsy effort. But the goal was then disallowed on what seemed to be an extremely dubious offsides call. The highlight of this match, though, had nothing to do with Goodson. It came in the second half when Dallas midfielder Mark Wilson, after being rebuffed in his effort to shake hands and make nice with Kyle Beckerman, responded by flipping him the bird. Right in front of the referee! (On a side note, what a pitiful crowd in Colorado. It looked, at times, like they were playing in a completely empty stadium. They might give K.C. a run for crappiest support in the league.)

3. The best job in the world has got to be playing striker for the L.A. Galaxy. You just kind of hang around in the offensive third and wait for Landon Donovan to set you up with goal-scoring opportunities that Sigi Schmid couldn't bungle. Last year Hercules Gomez was the recipient of all these gifts. This year it looks to be Cornell Glen.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 16, 2006 3:33 PM

 

Does anyone need a toner cartridge for a Hewlett Packard printer? I found one in my yard yesterday. It appears to be brand new

I went to Kansas City last weekend for the MLS opener with three other jackasses. We listened to a lot of Van Halen and Grand Funk Railroad. We learned that Missouri has not (contrary to all the rumors circulating on the internets) run out of ice. We ate BBQ at the legendary Arthur Bryant's. (Unfortunately my brisket was cold and kind of nasty. The ribs were excellent, though, as were the pickles.) We drank orange-flavored Mad Dog and tall boys of Miller High Life in the Arrowhead Stadium parking lot. We sang the old chestnut "Do You Want a Pickle?" to Sigi Schmid. We assembled the historical narrative of Bunky County FC. And we watched a lot of soccer.

What did I learn from the opening weekend of MLS?

Motel 6 is now sponsoring the league, which excites me for reasons that I don't fully understand. (Probably some kind of repressed homo love for Tom Bodett)

Colorado can't possibly be as bad as last week's game would seem to indicate. Given that Clint Mathis and Dedi Ben-Dayan both went down with injuries in the first half, they probably aren't quite that dreadful. By mid-season expect to see the same dull, semi-competent side that we've grown to ignore over the last several years.

It might, however, be a truly miserable seven months for the Columbus Crew. I was excited to see the team's new Chilean midfielder, Sebastian Rozental, figuring he might be the key to a young team piecing together a decent season. But he was atrocious against K.C. Fat, lazy, indifferent. Like a balding Carlos Valderrama--minus the wizardry on the ball.

Without Landon Donovan, L.A. is a bad team. With him, they're probably capable of duplicating last year's .500 record.

Here's the only advice I can come up with for Real Salt Lake: scrap that ridiculous name, shred all evidence that the franchise ever existed, and start from scratch. One new name possibility: the Sandy Pirates. Is Nikolas Besagno ever going to play?

Puta madre Chivas USA! I have no idea what that means, but Chivas might prove to be the best side in the league. For all the flare the team displayed last week in thumping the Sandy Pirates (and that was without John O'Brien!), the most important addition is probably the steady presence of Claudio Suarez at the back. Let's see what happens when they play a real team in D.C. this weekend.

And the most exciting news of the weekend: no more in-game commercials! Let's pray this wasn't a week-one aberration.

Posted by Paul Demko at April 7, 2006 1:20 PM

 

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