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Does anyone remember the name of the dude that Tonya Harding hired to bust up Nancy Kerrigan? I think we should utilize his services to render Josh Wolff medically ineligible for the World Cup

The poor Indomitable Drinky Crows have been outscored 13-2 in our first three games of the outdoor season. Pure misery. Unfortunately I am undoubtedly a large part of the problem. But as team manager I can not be ousted. I'm sure that the rest of the team will be relieved when I depart for Germany. This is, in part, the missive that I sent out to the other Drinky Crows this afternoon:

Comrades,

We suck. This will not be tolerated anymore. If things don't improve contracts will be terminated. Appendages may be removed. We have long admired the personnel practices of Uday Hussein (or was that Qusay?) while in charge of the Iraqi national team.

To try and right matters we have hired an "advisor" from Cote D'Ivoire, Bakari Gbagbo. He will be visting each of your homes in the coming days and suggesting ways in which you might improve your pre-match preparations. For instance, he may advise that you take a bath in water treated with various potions, and then invite you to make a wish in the ear of a pigeon. This proved extremely successful for Cote D'Ivoire during the 1984 African Nations Cup. At Mr. Gbagbo's behest we have already buried one chicken behind each goal at Fort Snelling. We appreciate your cooperation.

Posted by Paul Demko at May 31, 2006 5:02 PM

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