Love on the Streets of Pizza

I came across this posting yesterday in the Rants & Raves section of Craigslist:

I have a crush on my pizza delivery guy. The problem is I don't know what to say to him. Do I just come right out and ask him out for coffee? I don't even know his name and sometimes when I order some other boy shows up. Last weekend I ordered when I wasn't even hungry in hopes of seeing my pizza boy but when the pizza came it was delivered by some bald guy.

What to do?

The readers of Craigslist responded with some crackerjack advice, ranging from "fuck the bald guy right there the next time he delivers" to "Ask him out for pizza"  to "drop your towel and answer the door in a provocative pose". (and this post, which insinuates that the eco-friendly Pizzaheroes at Galactic are less-than-heterosexual)

Now, contrary to popular belief, (and more than a few porn movies) the Pizzaman doesn't see a lot of love action on the Streets. Oh sure I see female Pizzalovers in some revealing clothes once in a Blue Moon, but their boyfriends are usually hanging around or they make the payment then immediately slam the door or they're strippers and indifferent (although strippers almost always tip very, very well).

When I first got into this racket, I figured I'd be seeing plenty of scantily clad women who would invite me in for a Brandy and... But, so far, it hasn't panned out.

However, I have made a few deliveries where love has entered into the equation:

Recently, I delivered to a girl who wrote out a check, handed it to me and said "My phone number is on there, call me". I looked at the check. She had tipped me a lousy $1.50, so I replied "Uhhh... I've got a girlfriend", which was a lie. The girl had a face like a chewed rubber boot, so I wouldn't have called anyway, but the fact that she tipped so poorly was a definite dealbreaker. No cheapskate girlfriends for the Pizzaman.

And, of course, there's the tale that I shared with Mike Mosedale for the City Pages story "The Pizzaman Always Rings Twice": I once took a delivery to a place on Emerson Avenue. The girl who ordered specifically asked for me to make the delivery. So I pounded on the door, and it turns out it was this girl who I had delivered pizza to a half-dozen times at about four different addresses. I also used to see her at rock shows. One time I got her into a show for free. I never knew her name, but somehow she knew mine. Anyway, she had a towel on, like she had been in the shower. She was super cute, and I'm thinking, "Oh, my God, this is it, this is it." You know the part, when the porn music comes on. Gung-ch-ch, gung-ch-ch. Then I looked at the shower, and I see this dude step out--big naked hairy hippie dude with his crank hanging out. And then I was like, "Oh, I see what's going on here." He came to the door, and said, "What's up?"

But, for the most part, the ladies on the Streets of Pizza don't seem to love the Pizzaman like they should (or at least the way I think they should). They're usually indifferent, they just want some pizza. I don't think I even register on their radar.

So, to the lovelorn Pizzalover on Craigslist, I would offer the following advice:

• Tip generously
• Muster up some courage and just ask him out
• Slip him a note (I've found that we, even as adults, have never really gotten past the fourth grade, as far as matters of the heart are concerned)
• If all else fails, get naked.

Guaranteed.

Send your stories, comments and naked photos to: Pizzaman@citypages.com