The Drunkest Ever

It was around 9:30, the lull between the dinner rush and the late nighters.
The order was a single pie and the guy's name was vaguely familiar.
I hopped into my Pizzacar and flipped to a Mischke podcast.
I cruised down one of MPLS's main thoroughfares and got to the
Pizzalover's building with little hassle.

I ran up the stairs of the fourplex and rang the bell.
I waited.
And waited.
No answer.

I called the phone number on the pizza box.
While the phone was ringing a man came to the door.
"Pizza?" I asked him.
"Nope. Not me. What apartment number?"
"Number two"
He let me in the door and pointed at a door with a 2 on it.
I knocked and waited.
And waited

I grabbed my phone again and called.
I could hear the phone ringing on the other side of
the door and could hear some movement as well.

Finally, the door opened and before me stood the drunkest
person I've ever laid eyes on. He was in his early twenties, had
short blond hair and the blankest, most out of it stare I have ever
seen. His eyes were like two piss-holes in the snow.
The lights were on, but nobody was home.
The dude was hammered.
I mean, like, fucking blotto.

All was silent for a couple moments.
I looked at him. He wasn't looking back. He only stared at the wall.
"That'll be $18.80, please" I said.
The Pizzalover's expression didn't change, he didn't speak, he
didn't even look at me.

At this point, I knew that he wouldn't remember
anything, so I decided to fuck with him a little bit.

The neighbor who had let me in walked by.
"Hey man" I said "Look at this guy".
I took a step into the apartment and pointed at the drunkard,
my finger about 3 inches from his face.
He didn't even notice.
"Look at him! He's wasted! Have you ever seen someone
this drunk before? I said while pointing and waving my
finger so close to his blank face.
The Pizzalover didn't react in the slightest.
The neighbor guy poked his head in the door and addressed
the Pizzalover by name, failed to get a response, then left.
"Dude, you're pretty wasted aren't you? You're not going
remember anything about this are you?" I said, literally
thumbing my nose at him.

He stood and stared.

Finally, I looked at el drunko and asked if he wanted the pizza.

He started to sway, as if he might fall down, his head rolled around on
his shoulders, he looked in my general direction and said in a low,
slurred voice,
"What doooo you want, fine thurrr?"
"What I want is twenty bucks, dude".
He swayed a little more and for a second I thought he was going to puke.
"I... didn't... order" he slurred.
"The fuck you didn't, I just called your cel" I countered.
He looked at me, his eyes rolling around like the Cookie's Monster's.
He said nothing.
At this point I had had enough.
"Fuck this, man. I'm out of here"
I gave him the finger, again only inches from his face,
then I split.

I drove back to the shop and told my co-workers the story.

One of the cooks laughed and said "Man, you should've just
taken his money. Or walked in and stole his DVD player right in front
of him. He wasn't going to remember it anyway".

Ah yes, I probably should have.

Other words I considered using to describe the drunkest guy ever:

-crocked
-gassed
-glazed
-juiced
-plastered
-plowed
-sloshed
-sotted
-soused
-stewed
-tanked
-totaled
-zonked
-twisted
-juked
-jagged