April 2006

The Biggest Asshole of the 21st Century (so far)

I walked out of an apartment building the other day after delivering
a Greasy-Wheel and while lighting a cigarette, I noticed a wheelchair
bound man on the corner waiting for the light to turn green so he
could cross the street. The man was in his 20's and decked out in some
hip-hop gear. It was one of those moments where I was pretty damn
grateful to have two working legs. While I puffed on my ciggie, I
imagined what a drag it must be for that dude to get around, how tough
it must be for that guy to get up in the morning knowing damn well that his day would be a series of major inconveniences. I felt sorry for the guy, but more so, I felt a sense of respect and admiration for him. While watching the wheelchair guy, I also noticed a Toyota Camry across the street waiting for the same light to change. The Camry sat there waiting to go South across the street, while the wheelchair dude sat kitty-corner from him waiting to go North.
Finally, the light turned green and the wheelchair guy started across
the street, pumping his arms furiously. As the wheelchair man got
half-way across the intersection, the Camry suddenly leapt out and
started turning left, with no indication from his signal lights.
The Camry hit his brakes, stopping a couple feet short of the wheelchair guy.
"Shit" I thought "That car nearly hit the wheelchair guy. Man, that would suck to be either one of those guys. I mean, who would want to be the guy that ran over some dude in a wheelchair. And alternately, it would suck to be in a wheelchair in the first place, but to be hit by a car while in a wheelchair, that would be adding insult to injury". Or injury to injury, as the case was.

As the Camry stopped, so did the wheelchair guy.
As they both sat still for a second, I figured the Camry would yield
to the wheelchair and everybody would go on their way.
But no, the guy in the Camry pulled one of the biggest asshole moves
I've ever witnessed.

While stopped, the guy in the Camry laid on his horn. And not just a
beep, but a full-on, three second (one Mississippi, two Mississippi,
three Mississippi) blast that startled the wheelchair guy. After giving him the horn, he proceeded with his left turn, cutting the wheelchair guy off and barely missing him in the process.

After the Camry sped down the street, the wheelchair man proceeded
across the street, up onto the sidewalk and on his way.

Now, I've been cruising the Streets of Pizza for 6 years and I've
seen a lot of bad behavior by motorists, but this really took the cake. I mean, the Camry didn't signal his turn, he failed to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk, there was no one else at the intersection
(the Camry would have had to wait, what, an extra 5 seconds for the
wheelchair guy to pass) and on top of it all he was an asshole about it.

For this, I crown the Camry driver
"Biggest Asshole of the 21st Century (so far)"

I can only hope the driver of the Camry is hit by a cement truck,
injured, confined to a wheelchair and then hit by the same cement
truck again. Hopefully, I will bear witness to this, so I can piss
all over the Camry driver's soulless body.

Posted by The Pizza Man at April 27, 2006 3:09 PM

Slices of Life on The Streets of Pizza

"And I've seen it all, I've seen it all
Through the yellow windows of the evening train..."
-Tom Waits
"9th & Hennepin"

File Under : Rearview love gone bad

While waiting at a red light, I watched the couple in the car behind me in my
rearview mirror. The woman was in her early twenties with straight blonde
hair and the guy was about the same age with short, gelled, black hair and
wrap-around sunglasses. She was yelling and pointing her finger at him.
I mean, this girl was going ballistic on his ass, while he just sat there wincing
and nodding his head. When the light turned green and I pulled away,
they didn't move and faded from my rear view.

Several blocks later, at another red light, they pulled up behind me.
This time the guy seemed to be trying to talk his way out of whatever mess
he'd gotten himself into. Looking at her, he had his hands clasped and
was leaning in. He looked as though he might have been pleading.
She was looking straight ahead, dead-eyed, having none of it.

Man, he must have really fucked up.

File Under: Get a belt, dude

Just before Midnight and right after delivering some Hot & Fresh, I got back
into my car, started it and turned on the headlights. I could see I could see
something in the intersection that I was parked near. It turned out to be
some gangsta looking dude with braids running while simultaneously trying
to pull up his pants. His jeans were nearly to his knees and he wasn't
making much time. This was unfortunate for him, because the next thing
I saw was a fat-assed cop running this guy down and tackling him.
Then another cop appeared on foot and joined the fracas. A minute later,
another squad car arrived.
I decided it was a good time to get the fuck out of there.

I felt sorry for Mr Droopy Pants, mainly because he was run down by such
a fat-boy. I mean, christ, my Grandma could have outrun that cop.

File Under: Street Meat

After exiting an apartment building, I was approached by two middle aged
men who looked as though they'd seen better days.
"Wanna buy some steaks? Ribeyes. Five bucks. They're twenty in the
store." one said to me.
They each started pulling packages of meat out of their coats. They
had, like, six steaks apiece.
"Ah... no thanks, man".

I walked back to my car wondering if they had stolen the meat or if they
were undercover agents from the USDA.

File under: Women fighting, Men watching

I was delivering to a duplex on one of MPLS' main thoroughfares and
while walking up the sidewalk, I could hear two women screaming at
each other. I couldn't make out what exactly what they were saying,
but their tone didn't seem friendly.
The delivery was for apartment two, so I walked through the outside
door, up to the second floor and made the transaction. When I came
back out, I spotted the women across the street in a yard. Not only
were they still yelling, but they had started fighting as well. I mean,
rolling around, wrestling and shit. I watched for a couple of seconds,
these two grown women going at it. Then I noticed two men standing
near the women, about twenty feet from each other.
They were both pointing at the women and yelling at each other.
I could hear them clearly.
"Control your woman!"
"Shut the fuck up!"
"Control your woman!"
"Shut the fuck up!"
They made no attempt to approach each other or the fighting women.

I then spotted a Police car coming down the street at a pretty good clip.
They slowed briefly, but then kept on their way.

Posted by The Pizza Man at April 4, 2006 2:37 AM

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