September 2006

Who's More Retarded?

A) The Kid.
I pulled up to a stop sign and while waiting for a car to cross,
I spotted this kid standing on the corner across the street.
I would guess he was about 14 years old, wearing a white t-shirt,
shorts and had headphones on.
He was playing air guitar.
I thought this was kind of funny, this kid rocking out on the corner,
but as I crossed the street I realized that the kid was retarded,
as in Down's Syndrome.
When I got closer, the kid saw me looking at him.
He quit playing air guitar, smiled and gave me the finger

B) Me.
I am now on myspace.

Posted by The Pizza Man at September 28, 2006 3:34 PM

A Man in White who opened for Cheap Trick and his nearly naked lady friend

It was a dark and stormy night... OK, it was a dark and drizzly night. You know, one of those cold-ass, kind-of rainy nights where everybody stays in. Now, on most nights like this, people order a lot of pizza, but on this particular night, there wasn't jack-shit going on. In fact, business was so bad that, in between deliveries, I had managed to:
-Do my grocery shopping
-Stop by my house and play a couple games of Ping-Pong with my roommates.
-Throw some laundry in the wash.

So when I got a call to deliver a pie to a house in MPLS' ritzy Swankwood neighborhood, I was all over it, for it would give me a chance to stop at home and throw my laundry in the dryer.

As I rounded the lake near Swankwood, the only concern I had was if I had any Bounce dryer sheets. But this concern waned when I pulled up to the given address. It was a big house built in the 70's I'd guess from the architectural design and there wasn't a light on anywhere. No porch light, no interior light, Hell, even the street light was out. This is never a good sign. Now, most of the time, if lights are out, I just walk up to the house and start banging on the door, because at this point in the night most of my customers are watching TV with the lights off or drunk and can't find the light switch or have already passed out. But since I was in Swankwood, I decided I'd better call and confirm the address, since a dirtbag like me walking around in the dark peering at addresses in Swankwood is a surefire way to be hassled by the MPLS police.

So I dialed the number on the pizza box.

A man answered after a few rings. I asked him if the address I had was correct. He confirmed it was and I told him that I was out front and would be at the door shortly.
As I walked up the sidewalk, I wondered who would be on the other side of the door. A rich Captain of Industry working through the night to save his corporation? An elderly man with trouble sleeping? A pantsless Dino Ciccarelli? Fuck man, I had no idea. But I was sure of one thing, it was gonna be weird, I could just feel it.

I was right.

I got to the door and knocked.
No answer.
I waited about a minute, then knocked again, this time harder.
Finally, the door flew open and in front of me, backlit by a dozen candles was a dude in his 20's dressed head-to-toe in white. A white suit, white shoes with several white scarves hanging from his neck.
He looked like Steven Tyler crossed with Jay Gatsby.
I briefly thought about scolding him for wearing white shoes/pants after Labor Day, but then I realized I knew this dude from somewhere. I went through my mental Rodex. Some guy from the neighborhood? A promoter I had met back in Rock 'n' Roll days? An aspiring model I had met at a party?
The Pizzalover stood in front of me for a few seconds while I tried to figure where I'd seen him before.

Then it hit me.

As soon as the realization popped into my head, it simultaneously came out of my mouth.
"Dude, I saw your band open for Cheap Trick!"
It was true, I had attended a show headlined by Cheap Trick and this dude's band had been the opener. In fact, the dude was wearing the exact same outfit that he'd worn onstage.

In the faint candlelight I could see a smile form on his face.
"Oh yeah? You like my band?"
"Uh... Yeah, you were alright" I said in a "too-cool guy" kind of way in hopes that I would cover up the fact that I was totally lying. (his band was kind of weak)
The Man in White started to get excited.
"That's great, that's great. Glad to hear from one of our fans"
(I guess mumbling "you were alright" constitutes being a "fan")
He went off on some monologue about his band and my mind wandered.
"Blah, blah blah... my band... blah, blah... record deal... blah, blah, blah"
There's nothing I hate worse than having to hear about some douchebag's band. I've heard the same damn thing from hundreds of band dudes since coming to MPLS, where everybody is in a band.
I think it was sometime after the guy said something about his drummer that I first noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I glanced over to see a woman's face peering around the corner and into the living room where I was enduring this dude's speech. The first time I looked over, it was just her head peeking out. The second, half of her body. I didn't pay too much attention to her, since I just wanted the man in white to shut up about his band and pay me for the pizza. After all. I had laundry in the wash that needed to be put in the dryer.
As the guy droned on, I took a third look over in the girl's direction. It was on this third glance that I realized she was only clad in a sheer neglige that went down to belly button. Upon becoming aware that this chick was nearly naked, I took a good long look at her, just to make sure what I was seeing was in fact real.
The man in white noticed that I was no longer looking at him and no longer listening to what he was saying.
He spun around and looked at the girl.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" he yelled at her.
The girl shrugged her shoulders and giggled.
From the tone of her voice I could tell that the Man in White was pissed.
The three of us stood there for a moment.
I got the feeling that something awful was about to happen, so I decided to break the silence.
"She's brightening the Pizzaman's day, THAT'S what she's doing"
The girl giggled.
Whitey turned back to face me, with a look of anger on his face.
I switched gears.
"What were you saying about your band?" I asked.
His mood instantly changed.
He smiled.
"Oh yeah... we're going to get this record deal...".
The girl giggled and fled around the corner.

After the Man in White finished blathering on about his band, he handed me the cash and I left.
He tipped $1.25, pretty lame for a soon-to-be Rockstar living in Swankwood, don't you think?

I returned to my car, drove away and went home.
I placed my laundry in the dryer, sans dryer sheets.
On my way out of the laundry room, I spotted a box of Bounce on the floor.
There was exactly one left.
I tossed it in the dryer.

Must've been my lucky day.

Posted by The Pizza Man at September 20, 2006 11:07 PM

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