Dear Winter,

Fuck you.

sincerely,

The Pizzaman

One of the weirder aspects of delivering pizza is that you get these brief glimpses into people's lives and you sort of get to know them or, at least, follow their lives. You can learn a lot from these glimpses, the kind of music Pizzalovers like, their favorite TV shows, Hell, even their personal lives are on display for me, The Pizzaman, to see.
Sometimes, it's like watching a soap opera play out while I stand on their doorstep with a pizza in my hand.

For example, I've watched one of my long time female regulars go from being married and childless, to being married with a kid, to being divorced with kid, to shacking up with another guy.
I started delivering to this woman in '99. She was married and seemed pretty happy, always had a smile on her face and a wisecrack for me when I arrived at her apartment. After a year or so, I noticed she was gaining weight and seemed tired and cranky. She told me she was pregnant. She started ordering more often, her belly got bigger, she started tipping less, she was irritable.
Then, one day I appeared at her apartment to find her holding an infant in her arms. She looked haggard, like she'd been up for days. This woman had been quite a looker, but now looked like she'd spent the last few weeks being dragged behind a semi truck bearing the "Pampers" logo. As the months went on, she ordered less than when she was pregnant, tipped poorly, but seemed happy, even though she was unable to lose the weight she'd gained over the course of her pregnancy.
Over the course of the next few years I watched that kid get bigger and bigger. Soon he was walking and talking. It was kind neat watching this kid grow up.
However, the woman seemed unhappy and one day she told me this would be the last time I would deliver to her at that address. I asked if she was moving and she replied "Yeah, I'm moving. Moving away from the jerk that I married". I was taken aback at this revelation, mostly because I couldn't believe she would tell me, her Pizzaman, such an intimate fact. After that, the orders quit coming from her address.
But, 6 months later, she started ordering again from her new apartment and for the next year or so, I got to watch that kid grow up some more. Eventually, she moved out of that apartment and into a house. She had met another guy and all three of them moved into the house and seemed happy for a year or so. By this time the kid was riding a bike and we could have a pretty good conversation. One time the kid came to the door, handed me the money and informed me that "Mommy and ("John") were fighting". I asked him if he was OK and he replied he was. Then he added "I just wish they wouldn't fight".
I left feeling bad for the kid and that was the last time I saw him.
The orders stopped and I noticed a few weeks later that the house was for sale.
I kind of miss that kid.

---

Recently, I've been delivering to a certain regular more often than usual. Now, I've been delivering to this dude and his wife for years and it's kind of a shitty delivery due to their poor tipping habits and their inability to get to the door in a timely manner. Every time I go to their house I have to wait for what seems like an eternity. I just stand their at their front door and stare at their names on the homemade paper sign they have below their doorbell.
It reads:
"Home of
("John")
and
("Jane")"
However, the worst part of the deal is that they would constantly be fighting. When I first started being their Pizzaman, I would hear the unhappy couple yelling at each other through the door, but as soon as the door opened, they would be all smiles, make the transaction, close the door and immediately go back to screaming at each other. As time went on, they couldn't even keep up the charade for the Pizzaman. They would fight openly in front of me. He would be in the midst of paying me and she would come down the stairs and just start bustin' his balls. Then he would respond in kind, totally yelling at her.
I remember one time she called him a "fucking asshole" and he called her a "fucking cunt" (Hey, way to drop the C-Bomb, dude. Classy, real classy)
Meanwhile I'm standing there like a dipshit, a pizza in my hand, watching this trainwreck.
Talk about uncomfortable.
The odd thing is, I've never taken sides. They're both equally terrible people from what behavior they've demonstrated.
I mean, it's bad enough that they tip poorly and waste a lot of my time, but the prospect of watching this showcase of domestic unhappiness makes me dread this delivery even more.
In the last couple months, I've been delivering to this address more often and I haven't seen the woman in weeks. The guy looks a little more frazzled than he usually does and he barely speaks when I arrive on his doorstep.
The other night I drove over to his house with an order. I walked up to his house and was about to ring the doorbell, when I noticed that the note had been ripped in half.
Now it just says "Home of John and".
When he finally answered the door, I noticed didn't have any furniture in his living room.
He handed over the money and I said "Thanks. Have good night".
He responded by saying "Never get married".

As a 35 year old with a dying car and a sagging career as a Pizzaman, I don't think I'll have to worry about getting married anytime soon.

"At a tombstone bar
In a juke-joint car he made a stop
Just long enough
To grab a handle off the top
Next stop Chi'town
Lido put the money down
Let her roll
He say, 'One more job oughta get it
One last shot before we quit it'

-Boz Skaggs
"Lido Shuffle"

Well, my Pizzacar has somehow managed to roll through another shift.
Unfortunately, another day means another problem with my ride.
Tonight, I started her up to take a few pies over to regular and the engine would only run on 3 cylinders.
It shakes when at a stop due to the uneven engine motion and has very little power off the line, but it still manages to go down the street.
Man, this car is a fighter! It's not going down without a fight!
Also, smoke has started to roll out from the engine compartment.
I guess you could say my car is a lot like "Smokin'" Joe Frazier - it's smokin' and it's a fighter.

Today I received a letter from a reader with a novel idea on how to solve my car problem:

"Got a PayPal account? I'd pay $10 to keep you slinging pizza tales, and I'm sure I'm not the only one in the Cities that feels that way. If it helps, think of it as karma car cash."

Unfortunately, I do not have a PayPal account.
However, if you drop a 10 dollar bill (or a 100 dollar bill or a $10,000 Denny Hecker gift certificate or Hell, even a box of Mac & Cheese) in an envelope and send it to City Pages, they'll make sure I get it.

OK people, I'm Audi.
I've got to get up early tomorrow to look for a car, plus exercise my right as a citizen and vote.

From Big Time Minneapolis...

The Pizzaman

"Driving's a gas
It ain't gonna last.
The lights above, oh yes.
I see the stars above"
-Big Star
"Big Black Car"

My car is dying.

As I mentioned before, I took it to the mechanic after I noticed it had started leaking oil.
Lots of oil.
The mechanic told me one of the front seals had blown and it would cost at least $1200 to fix it.
This is a death notice for a $900 car.
However, I really can't complain too much, since this car has served me rather well over the last 15 months. I had to put a hundred bucks into it for some belt-related work. But other than that, I haven't had to put any money into it except for gas and oil.
Now, that's not to say I haven't had any problems. I've had a string of issues with it from day one. The transmission hasn't been all that great, there's been a noise coming from the front differential for about a year and it never did get AM radio reception.
The oddest thing about this car has been it's ability to heal itself.
For example, there was a span of about a week where it wouldn't go into reverse very easily. I would shift to "R" and it wouldn't move at all, then after a few seconds it would start to move slowly. I would then have to put it into neutral then back into reverse and then it would start to move at a normal pace. But eventually, this problem went away. A few weeks, later the battery started acting up. It wouldn't start if it was too cold (I'm talking 10 degrees or less) and I'd have to pull the battery out and bring it inside.
But after awhile, this too fixed itself.
There's nothing better for a Pizzaman than a car that fixes itself.
But, I think this time my Pizzacar will not escape the hangman's noose and it seems to be aware of it.
Immediately after the death notice was given, a whole bunch of other shit started going wrong with it. One of the headlights has gone out (although intermittently - it works sometimes), the blower fan switch quit working (a problem that I could fix, but would cost $15 and a trip to the junkyard - I'm not sure if I want to go to the bother though , since this thing could die at any moment), and it's started running hot, although not overheating (although this could be due to the blown seal).

So basically, my life on the Streets of Pizza has become a deathwatch.

The mechanic told me that it should last awhile if I keep putting oil in it and that's exactly what I've been doing. I check the oil level every day and add a quart or two if needed, I keep an eye on the ever-increasing spot of oil that forms every time I park the car and I closely watch the heat gauge while I'm driving.
The mechanic said that the timing belt is most likely saturated with oil and will probably be the problem that ultimately will send this road weary chariot to it's final resting place.

Car problems are the worst for a Pizzaman.
If my car's screwed, then so am I, since I can't make any money without it.
And since I'm not exactly rolling in money, I have to quickly scrape together what money I can to get another car that will surely be the bane of my existence.
As it stands, I think I can get about $500 together for the purchase of a new rig.
The prospects look dim, for all the beaters I've looked at online have some kind of major flaw, like a blown head gasket or no brakes or no windshield etc.
So the search continues...

Another question that's been weighing heavily on my mind is where is my car going to break down. The best case scenario would be my car crapping out in front of a junkyard or maybe in front of my house.
But that's unlikely.
I'm just hoping that it takes it's final bow somewhere in a nice neighborhood. It would be a real drag if it died in the 'hood at night or in some precarious location, like a busy intersection at rush hour or a stretch of street that doesn't allow parking.
Plus, if it shits the bed in Swankwood, I could just abandon it there and bring down the property values in the neighborhood. That would be a nice silver lining, seeing a bunch of million dollar homes with my jalopitous wreck parked out front, leaking oil, smelling funny.
I can picture it now, a real estate agent pointing at my broken down beater and trying to convince a potential Swankwood resident that nobody is living in the car.

For now, my car is still rolling down the road, helping deliver the Hot & Fresh just like it has for the last 15 months.
But I know it isn't going to last, the end will come sooner rather than later.
Then the heat will be on to find another battered gem to shuttle my ass around while I do my life's work.

If you know of a $500 car that road worthy, give me a holler at Pizzaman@citypages.com or my myspace page.

Maybe I should get ahold of Mischke.
That dude usually drives a car that's worth $500 or less, so I'd
think that he's got a knack for sniffing out a winner.

If anyone sees him around, tell him I'm looking for a car and would appreciate his help.

That is all for tonight.

From Big Time Minneapolis...

The Pizzaman