December 2006

Thank You Friends

"Thank you, friends
Wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you
I'm so grateful for all the things you helped me do"
-Big Star
"Thank You Friends"

I'd like to thank a few friends for their support during my recent travails with the Pizzacar:

Miss Lake Calhoun
MLC not only lent me her car while she was on vacation and drove my sorry ass up to Forest Lake to pick up the new rattletrap when she returned, but she also gave me a buck when I came up one dollar short during the purchase.

Miss Rock
A long-time friend and regular pizza customer, Miss Rock gave me a whopping $10 tip when she heard of my car problems. She only asked that I "speak highly of her."
I cannot speak highly enough.

Amy of MPLS
I received an email from CP headquarters saying I had an envelope waiting for me. I went down to CP HQ, opened the envelope to discover some cash and a nice note:

"Hoping I'm amongst many other fans, along with the paypal guy, that don't want ou to go! Here's for your car- or simply a tribute long overdue. Thanks for keepin' our eyes open to all the shit that really goes on day to day on the streets of our city.
Thanks for keepin' it real.
-Amy
MPLS

That was pretty damn sweet.
Upon opening the envelope and discovering the money it contained, I showed it to Paul Demko. Demko immediately suggested we spend it on beer at Cuzzy's.
I resisted Demko's suggestion, put the money towards the car and taped the note to my computer.
Thanks Amy.

Also, thanks to all the letters writers, book binders, Bible belters, money changers, spoon benders and my pizza-loving regulars.

-The Pizzaman

Posted by The Pizza Man at December 21, 2006 1:12 PM

Brand New Used Car

"Now, the neighbors come from near and far
As we pull up in our brand new used car"
-Bruce Springsteen
"Used Cars"

Well, the search is over.
I am the proud owner of a new used car.
After scouring craigslist, cars.com and carsoup.com, I discovered a little gem up in Forest Lake that looked like a winner.
It has a little rust on it, but only 110,000 miles (which isn't bad for a 1989 model) so I took it for a test drive. It drove fine, seemed tight and didn't smoke, sputter or catch fire, so I put some money down on it.
A few days later I picked it up, paying with a stack of 20 dollar bills.
This new rig of mine ran great on the highway, but once I got it on the Mean Streets I could hear some noise from the front end. A CV joint maybe? Shit, I don't know.
But what I do know is that a car of this vintage will surely be draining my pocketbook in the future. Hopefully this will occur later rather than sooner. Actually, it's a pretty good car considering what I paid for it.

One great thing about my new ride is that it gets AM radio.
Now, this may sound like a minor detail, but my last three cars didn't get AM radio and as a fan of talk radio, this really bummed me out.
But now I can catch the ass end of Don Shelby's show at the begining of my shift and this sure does my heart good.

Alright people, I'm off to wipe down the dashboard and try to figure out what the Hell I've gotten myself into.

Posted by The Pizza Man at December 19, 2006 8:55 PM

Answering the Goddamned phone

"Somebody called me on the phone
They said hey is Dee Dee home?"
-Johnny Thunders
"Chinese Rocks"

Aside from delivering hot and fresh pizza, one of my duties at BS Pizza is answering the phones. This is quite possibly the worst aspect of the job. The telephone seems to bring out the worst in people.
They often don't know where they are, what they want and rarely do they speak clearly or directly into the receiver. Sometimes I wonder if people aren't just sitting at home, watching TV, think "Pizza!' then grab the phone and call me without absolutely no forethought.
Or they're already eating something while on the phone...or they feel the need to have talk with their kids while on the phone with me...or they want me to read the entire menu to them...or they're drunk.

The Drunk:

PizzaMan "Hello, BS Pizza"
Drunk: "Ahhhh... errrr....hhmp,...umphhh...errr...pizza"
PM:"Pardon me?"
Drunk: "I... simppppconn...peppro... pizzzzza"
PM: "I have no idea what you're saying"
Drunk: "Sinnnco... recknbrick... peppro... pizzz"
PM: "C'mon buddy, you can do it!"
Drunk: "I mnkin... shzzbo... fuckn...pizzz... underneath"
PM: "Sorry, dude" (click)

The Teenage Girl:

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
Teenage Girl: (in a high whiny voice): "DO YOU DELIVER TO EDIIIIINA?"
PM: "Um, no we don't..."
Teenage Girl: "Fuck you!!" (click)

The Scammer:

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
Pizzalover: "Yeah, you take credit cards?"
PM: "Sure"
Scammer: "You deliver?"
PM: "Yes, we do. What's your address, please?"
Scammer: "I'm at 323 Ripoff Avenue"
PM: "OK. What would you like?"
Scammer: I'll have 2 larges with ground beef and double pepperoni"
PM: "OK"
Scammer: "And two with double onions, sausage and canadian bacon"
PM: "OK"
Scammer: "You got wings?"
PM: "Sure"
Scammer: "I'll take 4 pounds of wings and a twelve pack of grape pop"
PM: "Alright. Anything else?"
Scammer: "Yeah. I want some chocolate cake. You got cake?"
PM: "Sure"
Scammer: "OK. I want some cake. The whole cake"
PM: "Um, OK"
Scammer: "You got steaks?"
PM: "No"
Scammer: "Cheeseburgers?"
PM: "No"
Scammer: "Ah-ite, that's it. You take credit cards, right?"
PM: "Sure. We'll just need to see your card and your ID"
Scammer: "You gotta see the card?"
PM: "Yeah"
Scammer: "Uhhh... "(click)

The Mumbler:

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
Mumbler: "Mhpherbler phumbbleyr humpfferbrglr?"
PM: "Excuse Me?"
Mumbler: "Mhpherbler phumbbleyr humpfferbrgr?"
PM: "I can't understand what you're saying, sir"
Mumbler: "MHPHERBLER PHUMBBLEYR HUMPFFERBRGR!!"
PM: "I can hear you, I just can't understand what you're saying, sir"
Mumbler (clear as a bell): "Fuck you" (click)

The Mommy:

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
Mommy: "I'd like to order a pizza"
PM: "OK, can I get your phone number please?"
Mommy: "Yeah, it's 612-- Billy, put that down. Put that down. DOWN!"
PM: "What was that number, ma'am?"
Mommy: "I said, it's 612-- Billy? Oh. That's a good boy. You're a good boy. I'm ordering us pizza. You love pizza. What's that? Yes, he can have some too. I don't know what he eats. How was your day? Did you paint again?"
PM: "Can I get your phone number, ma'am?"
Mommy: "Ooohhhh, that's exciting! Show me what else you did"
PM: "Can I get your phone number, ma'am?"
Mommy: "You did that all by yourself?"
PM: "Can I get your phone number, ma'am?"
Mommy: "Oh...um.. yes"

She gives me her phone number and address.

PM: "What would you like?"
Mommy: "Um... let's see here-- BILLY! I TOLD YOU A MILLON TIMES! OUT OF THERE! NO-NO! NO! COME HERE! HERE!"
PM: "What would you like?"
Mommy: "BILLY! OK, that's a good boy. You're a good boy."
PM: "OK, Ma'am? What would you like?"
Mommy: "OK, Billy, what do you want on your Pizza?!"
PM: "Alright, I've got to put you on hold"

As I reach for the "hold" button I can hear her saying, "No, no, no!"
I don't if she was talking to me or Billy.

Mr Mall of America:

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
Mr MOA (obviously drunk): "You deliver out by Mall of America?"
PM: "I'm sorry, we don't"
Mr MOA: "You don't?"
PM: "Nope. Sorry"
Mr MOA: "I'll give you a hundred dollars if you deliver a pizza to Mall of Mmmmerica"
PM: "No you won't. You're going to pass out long before we could ever deliver a pizza to the Mall.
Mr MOA: "I guess you're right..." (click)

And finally, the worst phone call any PizzaMan can answer.
This happens every single night:
(and keep in mind this is the abridged version)

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
PizzaLover: "You deliver?"
PM: "Yes, we deliver. I'll need your phone number"
PizzaLover (over his shoulder): "Dude... dude... dude, what's your number? Dude... " then he starts talking into the phone "OK, it's 612... no.. no... 651... no... yeah... it's 651... dude... dude...555-1212"
PM: "OK, what's your address?"
PizzaLover (over his shoulder): "Dude. Dude... dude... what's your... dude. What's your address? Hey dude. dude, what's your address?" (Into the phone) "It's 123 Dipshit Avenue... no, no that's MY address. Hold on... it's 321 Dumbass Street. Yeah."
PM: "OK, what would you like?"
PizzaLover: (over his shoulder) "OK, what do you guys want?"
PM: "Why don't you figure out what you want, then call back, huh?"
PizzaLover: "We know what we want!"
PM: "OK. What can I get you?"
PizzaLover: "Hey...Hey... what do you guys want?"
PM: "OK, that's enough" (click)

Posted by The Pizza Man at December 7, 2006 3:52 PM

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