Answering the Goddamned phone

"Somebody called me on the phone
They said hey is Dee Dee home?"
-Johnny Thunders
"Chinese Rocks"

Aside from delivering hot and fresh pizza, one of my duties at BS Pizza is answering the phones. This is quite possibly the worst aspect of the job. The telephone seems to bring out the worst in people.
They often don't know where they are, what they want and rarely do they speak clearly or directly into the receiver. Sometimes I wonder if people aren't just sitting at home, watching TV, think "Pizza!' then grab the phone and call me without absolutely no forethought.
Or they're already eating something while on the phone...or they feel the need to have talk with their kids while on the phone with me...or they want me to read the entire menu to them...or they're drunk.

The Drunk:

PizzaMan "Hello, BS Pizza"
Drunk: "Ahhhh... errrr....hhmp,...umphhh...errr...pizza"
PM:"Pardon me?"
Drunk: "I... simppppconn...peppro... pizzzzza"
PM: "I have no idea what you're saying"
Drunk: "Sinnnco... recknbrick... peppro... pizzz"
PM: "C'mon buddy, you can do it!"
Drunk: "I mnkin... shzzbo... fuckn...pizzz... underneath"
PM: "Sorry, dude" (click)

The Teenage Girl:

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
Teenage Girl: (in a high whiny voice): "DO YOU DELIVER TO EDIIIIINA?"
PM: "Um, no we don't..."
Teenage Girl: "Fuck you!!" (click)

The Scammer:

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
Pizzalover: "Yeah, you take credit cards?"
PM: "Sure"
Scammer: "You deliver?"
PM: "Yes, we do. What's your address, please?"
Scammer: "I'm at 323 Ripoff Avenue"
PM: "OK. What would you like?"
Scammer: I'll have 2 larges with ground beef and double pepperoni"
PM: "OK"
Scammer: "And two with double onions, sausage and canadian bacon"
PM: "OK"
Scammer: "You got wings?"
PM: "Sure"
Scammer: "I'll take 4 pounds of wings and a twelve pack of grape pop"
PM: "Alright. Anything else?"
Scammer: "Yeah. I want some chocolate cake. You got cake?"
PM: "Sure"
Scammer: "OK. I want some cake. The whole cake"
PM: "Um, OK"
Scammer: "You got steaks?"
PM: "No"
Scammer: "Cheeseburgers?"
PM: "No"
Scammer: "Ah-ite, that's it. You take credit cards, right?"
PM: "Sure. We'll just need to see your card and your ID"
Scammer: "You gotta see the card?"
PM: "Yeah"
Scammer: "Uhhh... "(click)

The Mumbler:

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
Mumbler: "Mhpherbler phumbbleyr humpfferbrglr?"
PM: "Excuse Me?"
Mumbler: "Mhpherbler phumbbleyr humpfferbrgr?"
PM: "I can't understand what you're saying, sir"
Mumbler: "MHPHERBLER PHUMBBLEYR HUMPFFERBRGR!!"
PM: "I can hear you, I just can't understand what you're saying, sir"
Mumbler (clear as a bell): "Fuck you" (click)

The Mommy:

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
Mommy: "I'd like to order a pizza"
PM: "OK, can I get your phone number please?"
Mommy: "Yeah, it's 612-- Billy, put that down. Put that down. DOWN!"
PM: "What was that number, ma'am?"
Mommy: "I said, it's 612-- Billy? Oh. That's a good boy. You're a good boy. I'm ordering us pizza. You love pizza. What's that? Yes, he can have some too. I don't know what he eats. How was your day? Did you paint again?"
PM: "Can I get your phone number, ma'am?"
Mommy: "Ooohhhh, that's exciting! Show me what else you did"
PM: "Can I get your phone number, ma'am?"
Mommy: "You did that all by yourself?"
PM: "Can I get your phone number, ma'am?"
Mommy: "Oh...um.. yes"

She gives me her phone number and address.

PM: "What would you like?"
Mommy: "Um... let's see here-- BILLY! I TOLD YOU A MILLON TIMES! OUT OF THERE! NO-NO! NO! COME HERE! HERE!"
PM: "What would you like?"
Mommy: "BILLY! OK, that's a good boy. You're a good boy."
PM: "OK, Ma'am? What would you like?"
Mommy: "OK, Billy, what do you want on your Pizza?!"
PM: "Alright, I've got to put you on hold"

As I reach for the "hold" button I can hear her saying, "No, no, no!"
I don't if she was talking to me or Billy.

Mr Mall of America:

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
Mr MOA (obviously drunk): "You deliver out by Mall of America?"
PM: "I'm sorry, we don't"
Mr MOA: "You don't?"
PM: "Nope. Sorry"
Mr MOA: "I'll give you a hundred dollars if you deliver a pizza to Mall of Mmmmerica"
PM: "No you won't. You're going to pass out long before we could ever deliver a pizza to the Mall.
Mr MOA: "I guess you're right..." (click)

And finally, the worst phone call any PizzaMan can answer.
This happens every single night:
(and keep in mind this is the abridged version)

PizzaMan: "Hello, BS Pizza"
PizzaLover: "You deliver?"
PM: "Yes, we deliver. I'll need your phone number"
PizzaLover (over his shoulder): "Dude... dude... dude, what's your number? Dude... " then he starts talking into the phone "OK, it's 612... no.. no... 651... no... yeah... it's 651... dude... dude...555-1212"
PM: "OK, what's your address?"
PizzaLover (over his shoulder): "Dude. Dude... dude... what's your... dude. What's your address? Hey dude. dude, what's your address?" (Into the phone) "It's 123 Dipshit Avenue... no, no that's MY address. Hold on... it's 321 Dumbass Street. Yeah."
PM: "OK, what would you like?"
PizzaLover: (over his shoulder) "OK, what do you guys want?"
PM: "Why don't you figure out what you want, then call back, huh?"
PizzaLover: "We know what we want!"
PM: "OK. What can I get you?"
PizzaLover: "Hey...Hey... what do you guys want?"
PM: "OK, that's enough" (click)