Dear Readers of The Streets of Pizza,
I, the hard-driving, service industry slave/alternative weekly blogger have a problem and I am asking for your help.
It seems as though BS Pizza, for some unknown reason, has issued "Employee Self Assessment" questionnaires to their delivery drivers.
I have never, ever had to fill out one of these things and I am totally dreading doing so.
Fuck man, one of the reasons I have this menial job is so I don't have to deal with shit like this. But now, I am now faced with the tedious and baffling task of filling this sumbitch out, even though I find it unnecessary and frankly, ridiculous . The Man is breathing down my neck, expecting me to answer asinine questions like "What would you like to accomplish at BS Pizza?". I would like to answer "I would like to get through each shift without being killed in a car wreck or held up at gunpoint". or "I've been working at this joint for 6+ years. You should know me by now". But alas, I feel this is no time for honesty, boat-rocking or airing of my grievances. This is not what the managerial wonks want to hear.
On top of that, I would (rightfully) be classified as a wise-ass.
This is definitely a problem for me.
Now, I know a lot of you work straight jobs and are probably saying "What's the big deal? I fill out this kind of crap all the time" and that is exactly why I'm reaching out to you, dear reader, for your assistance in completing this task, for I know absofuckinlutely nothing about this crap.
Below you will find the five questions that appear on the form.
If you would be so kind as to email some answers to these questions, I'd be much obliged.
Orwellian Corporatespeak is encouraged, as is any true/untrue comments pertaining to my stellar job performance.
Please send your suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org
Winning suggestions will appear in a future edition of The Streets of Pizza.
"Accomplishments: What do you feel you have excelled at during your time at (BS Pizza)?"
"Growth: What would you like to improve on in your own job performance?"
"Developmental Needs: What do need to assist you in improving your performance?" (sic)
(I don't even know what the fuck they're even asking me here "What do need to assist"? WTF? With all the heat they're blowing concerning the supposed importance of this questionnaire, you'd think they'd take the time to proof read the damn thing)
"Goals: What would you like to accomplish at (BS Pizza)?"
"Supervisor Help: What can I do to improve my performance and assist you?"
Alright people have at 'er.
I know you'll come through for me.