Or as most of my female friends would cry, "Anything but the face!"

The event of Torii Hunter's second cranial beaning of 2007 seems an appropriate time to reflect on the ridiculous season he's had so far.

Before taking a fastball off the teeth from anxious Royals pitcher Zach Greinke, Hunter was on a 12-game hitting streak, had a .315 average, hit four homers and stole just as many bases, knocked in a MLB-high 13 doubles, and had a .658 slugging percentage, the seventh highest in baseball.

All of which means he was the best centerfielder in baseball this month, so it's no surprise he's been taking some high heat. Here's hoping our favorite contract-year Twin won't be too uncomfortable in the batter's box when he returns this weekend.

I love this summary, from La Velle E. Neal's column at the Star Tribune online (could be in the hard copy; I'll never know):

"After watching Torii Hunter get hit in the face, the Twins snapped their four-game losing streak in the 11th inning."

That's rich. Torii gets hit in the second inning and it only takes us nine more fucking innings to score a measly run against what remains the worst team in the American League? Boy, that must have riled up the troops! (One thing: the above quote wasn't in the article, but was the summary on the 'front page' of the Strib.)

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The mighty Minnesota Thunder hit the road last weekend to open the season and returned with two points. The squad secured ties against the Charleston Battery (0-0) and the Carolina Railhawks (1-1).

Considering that the squad was seriously undermanned on defense, it was a more than decent start to the season. Two of the team's primary defenders, Kevin Taylor and Alfredo Esteves, were out with injuries. A third, Jonathan Greenfield, was finishing up his indoor season with the Detroit Ignition. (They lost in the championship match 13-8 to the Philadelphia Kixx.)

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This afternoon I took a stroll through The 2006 Baseball Prospectus. Those guys pretty much dismissed last year's Detroit Tigers, stating flatly that, in order to compete, the "pitchers need to become stars." We now know that they did just that. Last season, our very own Morneau and Mauer hit that big-time, too, joining Johan Santana in the spotlight. I get the feeling we're going to need more than a three-star constellation to make a go of it this year.More >>

I tried to cheer for Milan. The thought of an all English final makes me ill. All those insufferable Anglophiles at The Local and Brit's is too much to contemplate. I splurged on a $7 bottle of chianti, heated up some delicious Chef Boyardee Cheesy Nacho Twistaroni, and watched highlight footage of the great Gilardino on the internets.

And thanks to their brilliant, waifish Brazilian Kaka (that second goal!), the diving wankers did me proud in the first half, outplaying Manchester and jumping to a 2-1 lead. But then in typical Italian fashion they proceeded to shit all over the second half of the game. Didn't bother trying to score. Just hunkered down and prayed that the Pope would erase the final 45 minutes from the clock.

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For the third game in a row, the Twins proceeded to take another very human pitcher and make him appear like future Cy Young winner. I don't know if this is a part of some kind of program to restore the self-esteem of opposing pitchers, but it seems to work wonders on these guys. Tonight the papier mache hero was one Fausto Carmona. Considering his first name, one might assume that he sold his soul for tonight's 5-3 victory, were this not becoming a regular occurrence.More >>

God, is there anything more depressing in professional sports than that one lone guy booing in the twelfth inning of a losing game? That one soul who's still trying to rouse the six people left in his section, maybe trying to rally himself for the long drive home, maybe a dedicated follower of primal scream therapy. By the time Joe Nathan walked Cleveland's Jhonny Peralta to load the bases in the twelfth, probably five thousand long-suffering (and now utterly sober) fans were left scratching the scruff on their chins and wondering why they were still glued to their seats. Yeah, the home team gets its at-bat, sure. But then Shin-Soo Choo, who'd gone 0-4 over the last four hours, squeaked a hit past Nathan's outstretched glove and drove in two more. What had been a barely reachable 5-3 contest became a 7-3 blowout. If a miracle was going to occur, it certainly wouldn't have many witnesses.

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Against a backdrop of empty seats, seemingly undistracted by the ignominy of hot dog wrappers tumbling at his feet, the Royals' Jorge De La Rosa shut down the Twins through eight strong innings, giving up but one run against five hits. This young wayfarer is no stranger to baseball, having come up from Monterrey (home of the Mexican Baseball Hall of Fame) and spending time in the Diamondbacks and Red Sox organizations before trudging through three seasons with two woebegone Midwestern clubs, the Milwaukee Brewers and now the Royals (he came to Kansas City last season). Already this year he's shut down the Tigers once, and might be sitting on a gaudy 4-0 record if the offensive half of his team would get the job done once in awhile (he gave up four runs in a loss and a no-decision to the Blue Jays and Tigers, respectively). Today, the Royals hitters were just good enough, in the Twins 3-1 loss.

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The big news out of Kentucky this week is that Queen Elizabeth is coming to the Kentucky Derby in two weeks. People everywhere with no sense of reality are all abuzz because this highly inbred woman with no real appreciable skills at anything has decided to use a portion of her enormous wealth derived from centuries of abuse of normal people like you and me, to come to America for 6 days and waltz around for photographers. I once read a story about her that said as a girl, she was given cookies if she could space out her bowel movements such that she only took one when she awoke, and one before she went to bed. Indeed. Royalty. There's nothing more useless on earth than someone who claims to be or is actually certified as "royalty." When some idiot points out their charitable works, it really chaps my ass, because the money wasn't theirs to begin with, so they should be giving it back. The entire royal family of Great Britain should be thrown out into the streets and required to make down payments and take out mortgages on their castles and servants. What a fucking joke.

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Yesterday, the Metropolitan Sports Facilities Commission (MSFC) reviewed plans for redeveloping the site of the Metrodome as a multi-use, retractable-roof behemoth for the Minnesota Vikings. The ROMA Design Group unveiled a $954 million facility that would supposedly anchor a mixed-use redevelopment of the eastern edge of downtown, and would include a light rail train station, a plaza, and streetscapes connecting downtown to the river. In a story posted at Vikings.com, Roy Terwilliger, Chairman of the MSFC, declared, "Today, we saw a vision for what can be next—a world-class, retractable-roof stadium that can make Minnesota a year-round host to major events—and a driver for development that enhances our quality of life. We have the opportunity to secure the benefits of an NFL franchise and those of a year-round, multi-use facility for the next 30 years."

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