Conversations Real & Imagined: Let the Old Jokes Suffice

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After the third out in the sixth, with the Twins trailing 5-0: "Well, Ortiz's got a perfect game going... except for the first and fifth innings. Still, four perfect innings, two five-run innings. If we could actually score on their new pitcher--or any pitcher, on any team--Ortiz wouldn't have the loss. And we wouldn't have the loss. And maybe we'd be in first. And not watching another season go up and down and up and down. Jesus, I'm depressing myself."

...


"How many lousy pitchers have to look awesome when they play us? God, everyone who's in a slump comes to the Metrodome to shut down the MVP and the reigning batting champ. OK, so Mauer's not here... but this goofball Danks gets his first win here? Figures. Good thing we're not letting Garza cut his teeth against guys like this. Better to let Ortiz suffer through another mediocre season..."


...


In the press box, when Torii Hunter "extended" his 22-game hitting streak with an errant throw that, if it had been on target, would have nailed him by a three long feet: "Watch, it'll be a hit." Indeed, a hit is announced by the scorekeeper. "I wonder how many of those they gave DiMaggio or Rose. I wonder if Hunter cares that they fudged that one. I'd sure care."


...


Section 215 (Family Section), a kid brandishing not only his finger puppet but a piranha t-shirt, and gazing at a scorecard. "The piranhas were only 2 for 16. But they scored all our runs! Do you think they might get the MVP this year?"


...


An old grumpus, arms crossed, shuffling out after the game. "In 87, I thought they weren't as good as the '65 team. In '91 I said they couldn't shake a stick at the '65 or the '87 team. Well, lately I've been saying these guys ain't as good as none of those other ones. For once I seem to be right..."


...


Another reporter on Ozzie Guillen's profanity. "Well, at least he's not ogling the teenage girls. I think they've got him on a short leash now. But Jesus, before it was pretty disturbing. Now it's just fuck this and fuck that piss on this and that. I'm trying to remember the last time I heard that guy talk about baseball. Maybe I don't spend enough time with him. Which is fine with me."


...


From an irritable vendor arching his aching back outside section 118: "Man, we're certainly giving those motherfuckers a fight for third place! Oh, yeah, this is going to be one hell of a third place team, you can bet your ass on that. I'm certainly going to sell tons of beer during these White Sox games. Fuck me, man, fuck me..."


...


A scalper by the light rail tracks: "I don't want it to be like last year. You know, that first half killed me, and the second half surge didn't make people go crazy until almost September. God damn it all, how are we supposed to make some dough if they don't get a bat? This isn't Kansas City, after all...


...


One of the bauble vendors laughing with another about some joke at the Twins expense. "That's funny, but it's already old. May and we've already heard all the lousy jokes! It'll be a long season..."



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