Your next Gopher football coach: Jeff Severns Guntzel

Have you heard about the booster trying to bribe the University of Washington to fire Ty Willingham? He offered $100,000 to the university if they'd fire the former Stanford coach (and another 100 large if Athletic Director Todd Turner, who later resigned anyway, was shown the door).

Gophers coach Tim Brewster has had only one year, and is regarded as a top recruiter. He's obtained dozens of commitments, many from highly-rated players. But, upon hearing this revelation, he has to go.

He has to make way for our own Jeff Severns Guntzel.

The implications of this booster's zeal have thus far been ignored. Most everyone is focusing on the hubris of Ed Hansen, the millionaire who is trying to bully his alma mater. This misses the point: this is the ultimate shakedown opportunity.

Despite Brewster's acknowledged coaching skills, he finished a disastrous one-win season. This looked bad.

But are people going to pay to have him fired? No.

In this time of minimal funding for state colleges and universities, more robust revenue streams are necessary. Public higher education needs our help. The only answer is to hire a coach so ill-versed in the spread option, the cover two defense and linebacker gap coverage that aggrieved alumni will pony up with the quickness.

Enter Jeff Severns Guntzel, a bright and affable fellow with intellectual interests that range from Middle East policy to rock n' roll drumming. A gentleman. A raconteur. A man whose worldly pursuits are many and varied.

A person who, when I asked, "who among you knows the least about college football"? shot up his hand like a rocket.

Think about it. This Hansen guy's willing to kick down hundreds of thousands of dollars in donations just to get Ty Willingham out of there -- and Willingham's actually a quality football coach. So why doesn't U of M hire the worst possible coach, someone who couldn't know or care less about college sports, someone whose flummoxed appearance on the sidelines would have fat-pocketed donors reaching for their checkbooks with every fumbled snap?

If the alumni weren't screaming for mercy during the first game, they would be after the initial press conference. "Just do it for funding of public higher education!" I'd implore Guntzel, and he'd put on the furrowed brow look of a man in over his head. Before long, the U of M would be rolling like Mitt Romney.

Naturally, any money raised would probably just go to help Tubby raze the Barn. Let's just keep that between us until Coach Severns Guntzel is installed, shall we?