April 27, 2008 - May 3, 2008

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The Short Money

Filed under: Horse Racing

From:
Jack K. Sparks
Hillbilly Number One
El Platano Blanco

To:
SGT Sparkes, Michael
FSC 1-327 IN REG
1ST ARMORED DIV
Somewhere Overseas

Cousin Mike,

Spring is breaking across Minnesota; however, we aren't experiencing it fully because the good Lord has seen fit to extend old Martinmas into damn near May. Unfortunately, Mother Nature's roulette wheel always lands on Black around this time of year as she ushers in all of Summer's shortsighted pursuits. Chief among these are man's search for sustenance from the feral fauna of the land, and, man's search for the big score from an endless procession of glue factory nags at Parimutuel windows from Santa Anita to Belmont.

This is where the story both begins and ends though, Michael, because these days are always fogged over with a green cloud called Demko. The world is full of bad ideas, and the Kentucky Derby has always been one of them. The Kentucky Derby at a track roughly 600+ miles North of Churchill Downs is borderline ridiculous.

The fact is, the REAL Kentucky Derby is full of the worst kind of people, from the very rich to the very stupid to the very rich and stupid. These people often have too much money and a warped sense of "the finish line." A bad day for them either consists of an hour not wearing silk, or an hour having not fired a shot in anger. Sobriety is a luxury.

Transpose this ill conceit to a wind torn suburb belched from a set of highways and roads designed and built by a colony of inbred chimps from a long forgotten Medeival zoo. Couples named George and Martha show up at this event in matching denim Mickey and Minnie Mouse varsity jackets bought ten years ago, "when the kids were little" on a terrible 4 day weekend in Orlando. They'd throw the jackets away, but in a crowd like this, it's good to mark yourself with something familiar. These strays are surrounded by slovenly drunks named Chip and Chaz who read one Hunter S. Thompson article in a Journalism 101 course and decided that a lot of alcohol in a public place is the functional equivalent of living the high life. These people are 50 kinds of dumb.

But I'm not going to plead immunity from prosecution. I have my own vaccuum of intelligence and it all begins with the 651 area code. This man calls me every year to begin the descent into evil...horses, strong drink, and money I don't have. Somewhere during the unholy abortion that is my friendship with one Paul J. Demko, he convinced me that it is possible for man to predict the performance of beast and profit from the enterprise. But this is folly. We are the beasts.

And then he goads me, annually, into this contest of words full of equine nonsense.

But we don't have time for this. James Scully had to wipe off his tip with his own dirty sock after watching Big Brown work out this morning, which is good for scumbags like Demko who will box him in an exacta with the field with money they stole from of a passed out drunk sleeping it off under the Cracker and Cheese table at Liquor Lyles the night before. This is money ill spent, because the returns will be even, and given his proclivity for strong drink, and misguided bets on Maiden Sprints featuring the local hippodrome, Demko will go home poor.

Between the rails, on the dirt, the Kentucky Derby rewards WINNERS. And there will only be one winner this Saturday, a great grandson of Seattle Slew named Pyro. This balls out bastard ran a semi-circle around the field at the Risen Star Stakes and then did it again at the Louisiana Derby a few weeks later. His poor showing on the Polytrack is a rope-a-dope, and the dopes are eating it like dessert.

But Big Brown can't be totally discounted. He'll have just enough gas to finish second, a half length ahead of a Sheila named Eight Belles, followed by Colonel John and Gayego or Monba. Yes, for the losers, this will be the Super Hi-5, a sucker bet that will build the latest, most depraved "executive suite" at Churchill Downs in less than a year. These are the crimes that never go reported, especially in states like Kentucky.

I weep for humanity Mike. Stay safe and sit on your helmet.

Ad astra per aspera.

Posted by Jack Sparks at April 29, 2008 10:37 PM | Comments (2)

 

The Demotion of Liriano

Filed under: MLB

There's no arguing with the numbers. Francisco Liriano's much-trumpeted return to the bigs ended with an unceremonious and ill-timed cymbal clash after he went just 2/3 of an inning and gave up 6 earned to the A's back on 4/24, bringing his 2008 totals to an unseemly 0-3, with an 11.32 ERA in three starts. Two days later, he was sent back to AAA Rochester.

Less than 30 games into this season, I've already devoted great space herein to "The Franchise," having said both that he'd need to win 25 for the club to be truly competitive, and that his return from Tommy John should initially be viewed as an exercise in form, rather than instant result.

And while the show is surely no place to go to school, not a training ground to learn on-the-job, I was somewhat surprised at the alacrity of the hook the Twins exercised, thinking that --despite the overt negativity of his numbers-- Liriano may have (and perhaps should have) been given at least 5 starts before a move was made. Furthermore, I was also surprised that no one in either the Twins ranks, nor within the pages of the Sports dailies, made any contrary reaction. It all felt so very accepted. And what has been reported, somewhat buried behind the blunt force of the crappy stats, is that Liriano could be gone for a lengthy period of time.

Maybe I'm still married to the 2006 image of Liriano in all his greatness and dominance. It's tough not to be. And so, I'll claim that as the onus for the following list of reasons why Liriano should have remained with the club for at least two or three more starts:

1. Alternatives: Neither right-handed relief pitcher Brian Bass (4.67 ERA in 7 appearances), nor recently-recalled Bobby Korecky are impact arms. Bass is a career journeyman who has made for a nice story but has shown that there's a reason why he has all those stickers on his suitcase. Korecky is a well-touted prospect (at age 28), although he's made his name as more of a closer. I think we have a guy there.

2. Youth Without Youth: To borrow the title of Coppola's latest, Liriano is no doubt young at the age of 24, but really not that young. In the A.L. alone, on Active, 25-man rosters, there are currently 19 pitchers who are younger than "The Franchise."

3. History: Liriano has some history with shitty starts. Looking back to 2005, when he started 4 games, going 1-2, giving up 14 runs and 7 walks in 21.2 innings.

4. AAA Track Record: While the 2007-2008 ascension of former Rochester starting hurlers Scott Baker, Nick Blackburn, Kevin Slowey and Boof Bonser shows promise, there is also a track record of starting arms coming via our AAA-affiliate that were not to be. Here is a brief list of those untoward chestnuts from days of yore:

2003- Mike Nakamura, Adam Johnson
2004- Brad Thomas, J.D. Durbin, Joe Beimel, Carlos Pulido, Seth Greisinger
2005- Travis Bowyer, Dave Gassner
2006- Willie Eyre, Matt Garza
2007- Julio DePaula

5. Thinking Man's Game: Invoking memories of fictional luminary Crash Davis, Gardy recently quoted Liriano as saying that, prior to his injury he "didn't think, I just threw." Let's hope this thing isn't mental. But should this be the (head) case, I've checked with both the Twins and Rochester and have learned that neither club employs a sports psychologist on-staff. Yet, should he still be in the Show, perhaps Liriano could consult Scott Baker's "performance coach," whom he has credited with providing him with "a change of perspective."

6. Timing: While it's far, far too early to count the club out of anything, the fact the it's not yet May means that some rocky starts aren't coming at a pivotal time. When he does come back later in the season, that's when the games will carry more weight.

Lastly,

7. Health: He's not hurt. There has been no mention of pain or discomfort.

Today, the Twins are 11-14, heading into a two-game home series with first place Chicago and all the attitude that comes with this rivalry. Tomorrow, Francisco Liriano is scheduled to go for Rochester against Pawtucket before 4,500 fans. Let's hope that his recall, and his confidence, return with all the celerity of that 2006 slider.

Posted by Judd Spicer at April 29, 2008 9:20 AM | Comments (13)

 

What, what, we got Booty!

Filed under: NFL

The NFL Draft is the annual two-day event where the 32 NFL teams choose former college football players and everyone is treated to Mel Kiper Jr.’s endless rants and impossible pompadour.

Only in America can a guy with no football playing, coaching, or scouting experience get a plush gig on national sports television making wild predictions about a player’s “raw athleticism”, “explosiveness”, and the curious ability to be “faster than the stop-watch suggests.”

I don't know about you, but I would rather hear about how a player does on the Twinkie Test than on the nebulous Wonderlic Test.

The Minnesota Vikings made they’re biggest splash the week before the draft when they sent their first round pick (no. 17 overall) and two third round picks to Kansas City for defensive end Jared Allen. A guy my brother-in-law pinned as a “someone very capable of saying some really outlandish things” after games. Indeed.

This guy should help drag the Vikes out of the cellar when it comes to pass defense.

A lot has been made of giving up so much for one player, not to mention the contract the Wilfs shelled out. But the draft is a crapshoot, getting a fifth year player before or at his peak, in a position the Vikes needed to address, is hard to put a price tag on.

With one move the team established the most feared defensive line in football. It makes me giddy thinking about opponent’s 3rd downs in the dome with the crowd on its feet with Allen coming hard off the corner and Kevin Williams busting up the middle.

Former QB Steve Young from ESPN pointed out that Jon Kitna may now be the best quarterback in the division. That's scary. But it also means that Minnesota should now be positioned to make a run at the crown. Chicago is a mess especially after the re-signing of Rex Grossman; enough said. Green Bay returns most of their team from a year ago with one glaring exception, the retirement of Brett Favre, which will at the very least will cause some growing pains that come with breaking in a new signal caller. As for Detroit, they’ll find some way of mucking it up, they always do. In addition, they lost their force in the middle Shaun Rogers to the Cleveland Browns.

For the Vikes, the passing game remains a big question mark. Will Tarvaris Jackson show marked improvement this year and connect with new wide receiver signee Bernard Berrian? It remains to be seen. Another looming area of concern is the offensive line. Center Matt Birk is in the last year of his contract and less than happy with the team’s attempts to resign him. Throw in Bryant McKinnie’s recent run-ins with the law, and the long-term health of this formidable unit is in jeopardy.

However, this fan is beyond optimistic for this season. With the reigning rookie of the year in Adrian Peterson and a defense that has only gotten stronger with multiple offseason moves by the front office, hopes and expectations are high.

Again, they have us right where they want us.

Posted by Eric Refsland at April 28, 2008 7:57 AM | Comments (7)

 

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