Secretary of Agriculture: Livan Hernandez

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Filed under: MLB

This is likely not the first place you're visiting on the site for political news and notions. However, this is of course an election year. And given the formidable relationship between sports and culture, I'd be remiss not to include the occasional nod (or at least the illusion thereof) toward what may prove to be the most critical election year of our lifetimes.

That said: Now back to sports! Every 25-games or so, I'll be appointing a member of our favorite club to the Minnesota Twins Cabinet. The process will be both rigorous and exhausting--lots of paperwork, stamps, filing, Notaryies, approvals, vetoes, gin, filibusters, quills, Red Bull, and probably some parchment paper in there somewhere.

Without further pause, the first appointment of the 2008 campaign is:

Livan Hernandez- Secretary of Agriculture

While due consideration of this appointment was given to Livan's paunch and neck fat, the stamp of approval was ultimately punched because above all else, Livan is eating a lot of innings for the Twins. Entering Monday night's nationally televised showdown with Boston, Livan has logged an impressive 51.2 innings in his first eight starts, placing him 10th in the A.L. in innings consumed. A mere 12 outs separates him for 3rd in this category.

In his eight starts, Hernandez, at 5-1, has a victory for each neck roll, and it should be readily noted that the Twins are 7-1 in those games. Toss out his April 27th performance against Texas (2 2/3 innings), and the guy has gone at least 6 innings in every start. His last was a complete game victory against the White Sox on May 7th.

At his present pace, Livan would finished the season with roughly 228 innings pitched, which would be tied for the fourth most innings labored by a Twins pitcher since the millennium.

And while many a local bard has wanted to compare Livan to Twins' stop-gaps of yore such as Sidney Ponson, Ramon Ortiz, Terry Mulholland, Rick Reed, and Sean Bergman, the 13-year veteran Hernandez is pacing to win half the games in a lone season as those chestnuts did for the Twins in their combined tenures.

Lastly: Don't look for Livan to slow. Of his 139 career victories, 55 have come in the months of July and August. And out of his 2422.2 innings pitched, 844.2 have come in those same summer months, with 18 career complete July/August games to boot.

Livan has proven more rubber-arm than rubber-chicken since the Twins inked him to a deserved $5 million contract in the off-season. For anchoring the rotation with moxie, manhood, and veteran mechanics, Livan Hernandez is hereby appointed the Secretary of Agriculture for the 2008 Minnesota Twins Cabinet.

Posted by Judd Spicer at May 12, 2008 5:32 AM

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Comments

love the cabinate concept. although i like gomez as the secretary of agriculture as he can Graze over lots of land, but i like the idea of an inning eater. Can't wait to see who is next.
keep up the interesting ideas.

Posted by: duke at May 12, 2008 10:03 AM

I would have tagged him with Secretary of Labor or possibly Veterans Affairs. I have now filled 14 Twins cabinet positions in my head and am interested to see if your picks agree. Nice work.

Posted by: Wonderful Monds at May 12, 2008 1:27 PM

Here! Here!

I love it - I also love his neck rolls a la ex-Gopher Courtney James.

As Elton John so aptly put:
'Livan, Livan likes his money
He makes a lot they say
Spend his days counting
On a pitching mound by the big Foshay

'He was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas day
When the New York Times said God is dead
And the war's begun
Senor Hernandez has a son today

'And he shall be Livan
And he shall be a good man
And he shall be Livan
In tradition with the Twins plan
And he shall be Livan
And he shall be a good man
He shall be Livan'

Posted by: Ryan Malone at May 12, 2008 5:49 PM

Yes, this is baseball, and this is fun!! Clever and informative. Turkey neck (now, that's corny!!)keep on mowing 'em down! Spicer, you can be Pres.!

Posted by: Chad at May 12, 2008 8:26 PM

I though the jinx was on in the first again the Sox....but the SOA worked through it for another quality start, and more importantly, another important win for out 1st place Twins!!!!

Posted by: Twins Fan at May 13, 2008 9:58 AM

I love Livan...always have...just nice to see the journeyman win a few games in a Twins jersey and not follow in the footsteps off all those other jokers back in the days with say, Joe Niekro.

Posted by: Court Paper Guy at May 13, 2008 12:13 PM

Wonderful Monds- Great suggestions both. I was thinking Labor as well, but we'll save that one for someone who has proven both their work-ethic and durability through, say, at least 125 games.

Ryan- Love the lyrics. I think you owe Elton John $8. By the way: Who the hell is Alvin Tostig? I tried to find out once, but ultimatley came up empty.

Twins Fan- Good call. I thought about that jinx, but ultimately the guy again showed some awesome veteran savvy after a dour first. Nice point on the quality start.

Court Paper-Couldn't you find someone alive to rip on? Joe Niekro: 11/7/44-10/27/06. R.I.P.

Posted by: Judd at May 13, 2008 2:51 PM

Yeah, Court Paper - sheez...
Joe Niekro - passed away at 61
Phil Niekro - just celebrated number 69
Oddly enough, the brothers' Niekro never pitched a pitch out of that range - 61~69 mph...

Posted by: Ryan Malone at May 13, 2008 3:15 PM

Love the Twins and I can't believe they are in first this deep into the season. Who would have known that with an ace like Livan we would be ahead of the Tigers. My concern is depth. We've been running through pitchers like crazy. Is the well going to dry up or is there enough on the farm to sustain us through the drought?

Posted by: Keefer at May 13, 2008 4:03 PM

WoW...my deepest apologies to the Niekro's...just been too busy serving papers to keep up with the obituaries...

Posted by: Court Paper Guy at May 16, 2008 1:07 PM

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